Sunday, August 30, 2009

He loves us.

God has been huge in my transition to college, tonight as a night of reflection I am beginning to see new relationships form and restoration. I am amazed by the power and greatness that God has placed in my life. I feel so incredibly blessed I don't know how else it can be put. I am a student. I am a student in a college I didn't believe I had a chance in and now I can see Gods fingerprints everywhere I go around here.

Tonight I went to foot of the cross an incredible worship service that is student lead. I began listening intently to the lyrics of the songs and I realized that God's love is so great and so awesome and complete. It is such a great blessing to be in a country that we are not condemned for our love for our saviour, to know that our Lord is God and be able to worship so freely. I listened to this song to think God is jealous of our love, do we love things or other people too much and not spend enough time reflecting in his presence?

I look back to my past- the things that came before Roberts and some images continue to haunt my mind. One being this photo:

I see the concern in my mothers eyes the concern only a mother can provide, but I know that my heavenly father loves me so much more, wishing so much more and being able to provide such a greater gift and presence. It amazes me to see this plan he has laid before me. Being able to go to college was something I never dreamed of when I looked into nurses' eyes with fear and fright. Now I go boldly into this world this new transition. I cannot believe that I will be starting college tomorrow- something different a new path to unfold and I feel that in some ways- I am almost not content with my situation.

I feel as though we go so boldly and so confidently we forget to realize just how great our God really is. To give us a saviour and to give us a life of which we are given free will and still provides for us even when we fall short of the glory of God. I realized tonight that in order to discover God fully and understand what his will is, I must not only seek it with my full heart and being but I also have to be willing to surrender everything to him including the things that may be difficult. It has been hard for me to be gone away from home and my comfort zone- however I also am struggling with my relationships getting here. Being able to trust everyone and being able to meet new people and be relaxed. I am an outgoing person however I also fear that I will be hurt and ripped apart in some way trusting too much into someone else. In this I realized the only thing that will give me no disappointment is being able to surrender to God even in the slightest bit and giving everything over to Him. To a greater glory and purpose beyond my own personal understanding. So with this I surrender.

I will update more later about my dorm, and things of that nature but I encourage you to take some time to reflect in the things that God has provided the greatness he has given us. For it is to Him we must direct our praise and glory. I give thanks. Thanks for all that I am given in such a broken and undeserving life. Click the links to see youtube videos with the music that we sang tonight at foot of the cross.

Friday, August 21, 2009

As you may have noticed...

Slowly this blog, is getting less and less sickness related and more and more related with the new things consuming my life. I am planning on recording a testimony to share soon, about the last few years of my life and how awesome God's faithfulness has been.

As I venture off into this I see so many new opportunities but I see lots of doors closing. Although I cannot dwell at such things I do see friends that have been awesome and amazing. There is an old adage that says you don't know what you've got until it's gone and as I look at my small town up-bringing over the years and how friends have stuck together and become people in society. It scares me to see the world that's in pain and hurts so deeply.

It was nothing to lend a helping hand and get paid back in ten-fold. When I was sick I saw kids from elementary school band together to support me. As I get ready to leave I am going to something more of a city than where I have lived, although it's not big it's not small town. I am nervous of the people I have yet to meet and the emotions and everything that goes into relationships. I am a soft girl with tender feelings, someone who is genuine with friendship and works for all she can... I have began to wonder at 18, are there still people to respect that- to be really goofy and jump around and dance- but be serious and genuine too? I don't know what to expect of college- I think of it as cliff jumping. Something I have longed to do all summer yet have not. In just a week I will be hitting the water so to speak and that cold rush will hit my face that exhilaration that moment. Pure and of it's own.

Now I stand at the edge, to jump- or not to. In this instance no matter how hard I crash on the breaks I will still end up jumping off the cliff. I am so scared and nervous and even though tons of people have done this ahead of me. My individual instance will be different than all of the rest. Each person's will be individualistic and of their own. So will I take a full force jump? Or will I just slip and slide and resist until alas I get pushed off the rock. Right now it seems like I am stuck on slime at the top and sliding around not really ready- but there and looking over the edge. Is the water going to be cold and painful to the land? Or will it be just the right amount of refreshing? Only time will tell.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I was thinking of the days when I was small and things like my bunny blanket were all that mattered. Tattered and torn that thing wiped up tears and connected with me on the deepest level.

There was also during that time it didn't matter if you were a boy or girl you were just friends that is all. Less complexity and distraction you could call anyone to play with you and in your eyes the only difference was the length of hair and the colors you liked. It was simple you see. I don't know why life has gotten so complex.

Some use the excuse that you are able to rationalize as you age and this is why you have to judge things and figure things out. However I feel that sometimes I withdraw and don't say things mainly in thought I will be judged. They will see me differently. Days are passing much too quickly- things seem to hurt me deeply and I feel pain and love so magnificently.

It's a tender age, 18.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Since college is coming quite quickly it seems my life has been taken over with appointments and I have been run over by a fine toothed comb. Any changes are being monitored very closely and we are watching to see what the future holds. I was talking with a friend recently and I explained my fear of going off to college, not only because I will be away but also because I still have my IV and I still have so much that is different than say 95% of the students on campus. I have been realizing that leaving is going to be a lot different but it will all be good change. It is also where I know God wants me to be.

I think about the past few months and how April 1st, was the national deadline for decision making. Up until around May 28th I had no idea where I was going to college- and what college I wanted to go to. Yet it was as though one morning I woke up and it was just like it was something I had known all along. God has provided for me in so many ways and I look to my college experience to just be another way to honor him. This is a big step and one that probably wouldn't have been predicted say my Junior year of High School. As I reflect I see many years with some awesome people and relationships that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone through what I have.

It's exciting, it's scary, it's a little different, but it's life!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Coldplay - Fix You

something about this song just hits me each time I listen to it. things have been a little crazy lately.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hello World!

To the wonderful photographers of models who fit in size two. I would like you to know you're doing us all a disservice. As I have started to feel healthier I have noticed I have gained weight, upon heading to my specialist today I sat eating lunch and all of a sudden realized I would be weighed soon and was very full very fast. I have been gaining weight. This is excellent! I would be thrilled and totally cool with my body. If I hadn't seen the many girls who were so skinny and wonderful looking.

What's the deal? Ah well, I look healthy and I am okay with that. It's just another learning bump I must overcome. For now summer dresses are as close as I am willing to get to shorts. I do love summer dresses!

Friday, August 7, 2009


Somewhere in the world you might find that the life you are living is no longer okay to type about to whomever you feel you would like. All of a sudden like a tornado has flown up into your small pristine world you have cows flying into you and windows shattering. Life can change in an instant, and there is nothing we can do.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Today I was getting on my computer and the wireless Internet said it could not be connected. Bummer, so I clicked on view available wireless networks and got a list of three different options, clicked on our home connection and bam! It says I am connected once again.

As I clicked OK I realized that sometimes that's how my faith is. It's there- and God is sitting there among a list of other things. He sits and waits and waits and once in awhile we get off track and maybe it's from shutting our bodies down at night and just not refocusing in the morning, but all of a sudden another "preferred wireless connection route is available." Sometimes I take it. I forget to do the simple things like re-connecting with God. Making sure our connection isn't faulty and he has excellent connection into my heart.

Over the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed and nervous about a lot of things. Things I cannot control, but wish I could. Other things that I wish I knew more about but don't. Or just trying to get into the focus of the things that are truly important in life. It's difficult to do but when I reflect on my life I can see moments when a pop-up about when I lost connection and didn't go re-start the router box for myself or even notice it was a big problem. Why? because I was busy with everything else. My faith became a back-burner thing.

I have been deeply considering un-plugging and going back to the basics. Taking time to quit using things that plug in like my laptop and my cell phone and other things that distract me and moving back to things that are really important. Spend time with God, because in a few short weeks I will not be able to focus so carefully and clearly as I can now.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

stop motion

There are these moments every once in awhile that seem to stop time. I guess I find these moments to be eye opening. Tonight I have stared at my computer screen listening to the deafening noise of nothing fill the air. It's silent and it's so incredibly loud. It seems the patterns of the world are yelling in every direction and it's incredibly overwhelming for me. I don't want to grow up yet, but everyone says you must. I see the constant change and now, I see an ultimate change. I have saved my money since I was a child. I have placed this money in a bank account- the money always being frozen in suspense once entering this said account. Now all of a sudden the some day account is taking on a new shape, a shape of books and bills and necessities. It has been saved for a time such as this.

My eyes well up with tears feeling myself travel past this moment in time. As I plan to move away part of me holds this moment forever. Some have cried right along, I have cried a few times but tonight it hit me. I am overwhelmed. I am desperately searching for answers and plans and everything in some sort of stone. Crazy how life happens when you're not looking. I am holding onto these moments. These moments when I can still curl up with my mother the moments I can still listen to her heartbeat when I am sad and even crawl into her bed at night just because I am a little scared. There is something special about the way a mother smells and the way she shows compassion. It's something no one could offer other than a mother, a gentle touch and a kind word offers so much.

My life has been unique and as I have reflected upon all of that, from moments of despair to moments of rejoicing. Things that maybe not every teen can relate to but a distinct group of them can and for this I am thankful, thankful I can share such things with them. Thankful I can be part of a group no matter how small a group of women, and men alike who have had courage to work to get good care and find companionship among each other.

As I see this door close I see another open, however I am hoping to stay in touch. For those of you I haven't heard from in awhile, I miss you. I miss you very much.