Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One Word.

Today as I was sitting here doing some homework I found myself back on my blog reviewing the old posts. Remdinding myself how far I have come. Sometimes just a moment of reflection is all I need to realize that things aren't as bad as they seem and the small hurdle I am facing is nothing compared to what the past has been.

In my reflection I was brought to this post. As I read the post I saw my word for the year is relax. Since college has started and things have gotten busy and hurdles have been placed in the way and there has been this or that to tend with. It has been difficult to even reflect on life let alone relax. However as I read my post over again I realized it was realistic. It wasn't some crazy thing that was something I really have to work with yet just need to fall into sync with.

It should be something that needs no reminder, to relax with the Lord to focus on his love and not so much on my own understanding. I find that so often I cannot focus on God because I am really just trying to figure everything out on my own. I am trying to sort my life out or fix it because that's what I want. However in the end, it's always God's will and it would be so much easier to just relax.

So especially with this upcoming week: I am going to relax.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Love

The last few days my mind has been consumed with this potent word.

I am finding myself wondering of the feelings emotionally and then comparing it to what I have seen the culture around me understand it as.
The feeling mystifies me and is something I cannot completely grasp nor understand. I look into the bible to see these descriptions of love yet not from the heart but stemming from deep within the gut. From your inner and center being.
Love from your stomach, who knew?

I find this to be an interesting but complex concept for one to understand because somehow all of a sudden love, becomes something not so Hollywood and all of a sudden something that is a true emotion and feeling. Coming from the core and not necessarily from your mind or some souped up heart. I believe that with this understanding love can personally be defined as loving someone fully with all of their best interest in mind. This means loving the person fully through failure and disappointment just as much as one can love them through all of their highest points and when they work for hours to prepare for a moment in time. It is loving that person equally no matter what, finding a sense of agape love.

I find this to be something that is impossible to achieve in a human realm however with God it can become somewhat more clear or possible. It encourages me to know that God has this sense of love this sense of adoration that I long for and he fills my heart with it. Fills me with that sense of wonder and that need for love and peace. The more I pray about love and knowing that sense of feeling full and complete the more I feel that I am able to fix things and overcome things from my personal past and heal in a way that is being fully restored in God.

So in this inner struggle with love and discontent with the Hollywood love that has been placed across what seems to be the whole world. I realize that in this God has placed this sense of wonder this sense of great adoration for this word, this concept of love. I believe that it is truly the most beautiful thing being loved by ones savior and having that personal and side by side relationship with him. I think my personal goal by the end of my freshmen year above all of the goals within each of my classes and developing more discipline within my studies... Is to become closer in my relationship with God. To become closer with him and grow in my faith. Through that growing with my self image.

He loves us, it's true and I think the hardest part of my faith walk is accepting that.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

weak

These past few days have been crazy with work and excitement and ever growing friendship.

Although now I must admit that I have been weak in many ways and physically my body takes a beating going to class each day and getting back. I personally must admit that I have found myself envious of my classmates not feeling the existence of constant physical pain and carrying around what seems like a large load of being tired and feeling out the constant physical effects. I had finally seen a light at the end of the tunnel over the past few months and things had been picking up and within the last few weeks and even days it has been difficult to find myself full of energy and life when my body is screaming to rest.

It has been difficult to come and to even try to understand who I am in this transition I want to shed that extra layer of skin, the label of everything and lately I just feel constant symptoms and tonight I just feel frustrated. Frustrated with how my body works in comparison to all of the other bodies but even in the midst of frustration I am thankful to be here today.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I will rise

Today as I was in church we sang this song and it made me think...

To think of a world of no more sorrow and no more pain. Some days the pain is so great and it just really hit me hard. To be able to rise to our father and see the light in all that we have experienced on earth. I feel truly blessed to know of a future of hope.

They Say Sharing is Caring....

Then let me sneeze, cough, wipe my boog... Maybe sharing isn't caring!
This may seem totally juvenile but today I was thinking about how our parents have always held out their hand whenever we have been sick and how no one else is willing to share like a parent to child. This weekend I have been ill with a cold and I have noticed no matter how many times I wash my hands we're all a little leery on my floor about the direction of the coughs, touching door knobs, sneezes pretty much any mucus membrane!

I don't think this whole H1N1 is helping the cause any more than anything else could be at this point.

I have spent this weekend wiping down my keyboard, door handle, and flat surfaces in my room with disinfectant wipes. I think the next thing will be to wash my sheets.

The transition moves on and college is still going excellent! I just find that blogger is only used when I am procrastinating doing work like reading chapters out of a textbook. Hope you're all staying healthy!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

hungry.

Sometimes even in the midst of a huge campus it seems as though you're all alone.

Last night in bio lab we went from the outer space and zoomed into an atom in a sugar maple leaf cell. Let's just say that I was incredibly in awe of how small you could zoom in but how easily even the smallest thing that is naked to the human eye could become singled out. You don't see these things on the every day and usually they blend in with the rest of the leaf but it was just incredible. To think that something so small could be so large on a screen projected from a computer in a class room and be all alone.

I guess that over the past few days it has been interesting to say the least, lonely at times and extremely exciting at others. I look at our race and how we look at others and it makes me wonder the stories of the other people on campus- the stories of others that haven't been told or were seen as average. Just the unique plans and wonders that are all around me God's grace falling on them. I sometimes look at others and wonder if they too are struggling with completely understanding why they are here. If they are being faithful or if this was an equal with God... I just want to talk and listen and I so badly want to understand.

I am just hungry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLz36m8Mw2g

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Proverbs 3:3

"I shall be saying this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken"

Everyone said that one day I would feel more liberated and more free to release and become my own person to finally become me. Getting to college has been a huge step for me and one that I have had a difficult time with. Abandoning a comfort zone to be one with God's will and finding his passion placed within my heart.

Tonight I found myself in a state of reflection and grace of God's forever mercy and love for our race, his image. Tonight, I wthe video I created tears poured from my eyes as I realized God truly, honestly has had his hand in my life from my infancy and his great plan is able to reflect as I am joyful and able to praise him in many ways.I just watched my first horror film with a group of kids from the campus and as I watched the film- I am not certain my heart was filled with a great amount of fear or a great amount of love, love from God- making me realize that I am truly blessed for what I have. I am so blessed that my family has not gone missing like so many others that may be able to say they can relate to that statement. Nor has anything been robbed of me to the extent that God cannot renew me in him. I have spent a lot of time reflecting the emotions and raw feelings that I feel and why I feel the way I do and one thing I always come back to especially is prayer.

Tonight, I found myself in a circle feeling left out, alone, and overwhelmed. I felt like for once my wounds were opened and in some places I was having salt poured over them but yet within the pain I felt the great amount of refreshment of having everything cleansed and released. I have met a wonderful group of people and God has truly blessed me with a campus that fits the image and situations that I have sincerely needed not only personally, but physically and spiritually. I have never felt so supported and uplifted as I have tonight. I can only bring thanks. I also am leaving with a video. A video of transition, just another ordinary miracle.

video