Friday, November 19, 2010

Mom hugs and Doctor's appointments...

Well, this weekend I have found myself in the familiar setting of doctor’s offices... I got more blood work done and a possible diagnosis of lupus, and Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome.

They want to get the results of another series of tests before confirming... It was so obscure being back into the hands of the medical field... Friends at college have been saying to me lately do you even still go here? It's almost a twinge of pain that comes along with the question as I remember the long months in the hospital through High School. I trust in the Lord that the pain doesn't last forever... The light at the end of the tunnel is coming and it's just a matter of when. Until then I continue to wait on His faithfulness.

Then tonight, as my mom was getting ready to go to bed she told me to come over and give her a hug, with much reluctance I got up and gave her a hug. She sat there and embraced my body close to hers... She hugged me like she has for the past nineteen years holding my body and just embracing the moment. She told me how when I was younger I used to sit on her lap and pretend she was my chair. We laughed as I used to be called the family "lopper" and I used to love to snuggle...

I got teary as I thought, mom hugs are a finite resource. You cannot get unlimited supply of these wonderful embraces and her love is truly sacrificial toward our family. She is truly incredible... Tonight I can go to bed knowing that my mother loves me, there is so much unknown but there is the known also and that's what I am holding onto tonight. I have an eternal perspective and I am holding onto the fact that my mom's hugs are only a glimpse of those my eternal father will be able to yield.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. Maya Angelou

Home for a few days!

Top Chef- Desserts only Quads edition.

This would be the winner of the pie category of the Top Chef competition made by yours truly, it was an awesome competition... My RA convinced me to enter and boy am I glad I did! Three other girls on the floor and myself added recipes with everything from chocolate chip cookies to Oreo truffles. It was a really neat experience adorned with descriptions fit for the menu at a cafe.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Que Sera Sera

I thought this was a fitting video for my post today. As I have grown, everyone always asks me what I want to be when I grow up... I wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to help babies.. The list goes on and on.

When I got to High School we did a "Life Map" We posed our future as we would like to see it unfold and one of my goals was to write a book... We have always had a whatever will be, will be, attitude in our family. Letting the future unfold with God's plans for our lives. Well, as of Sunday my manuscript will be finding it's way to the publishing house. I am finding myself one step closer to having a dream of mine unfold... As for the rest of my life: Que Sera Sera!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

He sought to conquer the physical limitations placed upon him by a three-dimensional world (and if Time is the fourth dimension, that too was his province).- John L. Parker

Things have changed quite a bit... I continue to work at life with all I have got but sometimes: even that, doesn't seem like enough. I have been trying to find how I can do all that I can and become a better person.

The past two days I have found myself back into the routine that I find most comfort in: being able to go out and run in the afternoons. There is something about coming back from a run that is feeling accomplished, knowing that there is something more and being able to feel like I can go out and achieve it. I started running again on Monday and I am feeling pretty good... I would like to really just ease into training and train through indoor track.

Right now: I am just taking things moment by moment, and day by day. Trying to get caught up in school work and mentally trying to keep myself sane. It's in the moments of doing core in your room, all alone, and really striving to get better: even if no one else experiences it, but yourself: that I am finding my greatest happiness and fulfillment.

It has been cool seeing my body recover and feeling totally restored. I have found that I absolutely love running and pushing myself to it's limits... Running, unlike anything I have ever come in contact with is something where you can experience your best days and your worst days and still go back for more. I have found that it's the closest thing I can get to how I felt when I was sick, in the sense that it's delayed gratification, steady constant commitment, and a true love for something larger than yourself. I am so excited to be running again.

We will see where it takes me! Continue to pray as I am still working hard at getting caught up with lots of other things...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Disconnect... To Connect.

Maybe instead of being extremely productive and getting things done to a point of over efficiency... We should really focus on where we are connecting our time and how we can connect with those around us! Really neat simple commercial that speaks volumes.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Longing for Friendship

The devotional I just recently got in my e-mail made me think... And made me realize maybe the feeling of loss of friendship isn't that crazy after all...

A Recipe for Relationships

10 Nov 2010

Micca Monda Campbell
"Because he loved him as he loved himself." 1 Samuel 20:17b (NIV)
So many people today are looking for meaningful relationships, yet so few actually find them. My mother use to tell me to count myself lucky if I had just one "close friend." That's because close life-long relationships are hard to come by. Since we are becoming an increasingly private society, it seems that fewer people than ever actually have life-long intimate friends. Still, the desire for this kind of relationship is not only sought after, but necessary.
Women are naturally drawn to other women. In fact, a girl's first experience with heartache may have been over a lost "best friend" rather than a "boyfriend." Women value friendships. When they are lost, we grieve; not just over the friendship itself, but also for the secrets shared, the trust given and the acceptance enjoyed. If betrayed, the pain runs deep causing us to wonder if intimate friendships are really possible.

When I think of a biblical example of real friendship, the story of David and Jonathan, found in 1 Samuel 19, always comes to mind.
Jonathan, son of King Saul, was David's closest friend. The King despised David because he was growing in popularity and because God had anointed David to be king. These facts enraged King Saul, and he commanded his aids and Jonathan to assassinate David. But Jonathan loved David; therefore he would not betray David.
Love isn't the only fruit of true friendship. A real relationship consists of sacrifice too.
We discover in this story that Jonathan stripped himself of the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his armor, his sword, his bow, and his belt. Jonathan was the potential heir to his father's throne, but we see him sacrificing his future for David as he literally gives David his place as king.
You and I learn from this action that true friendship means a willingness to sacrifice for each other in love. It's the ability to put another's needs, desires, and wishes above those of our own.
Loyalty is also a mark of true friendship. We're told that Jonathan went to his father and spoke well of David. Jonathan also stood up to his dad and said, "Dad, you're wrong about David. He hasn't done anything against you, in fact, everything he's done has helped you." A true friend is a loyal defense before others; one who won't talk about you when you're not around. True friends stick up for each other and are ready to defend when others attack.
Finally, intimate friends give each other complete freedom to be themselves. In an intimate friendship, you don't have to explain why you do what you do. You're just free to do it.
When Jonathan gave David the sign that t hings were not okay in the palace and that his dad was going to kill David, the two were forced to say goodbye. The text tells us they wept together.
When your heart is broken, you can bleed all over a friend like this and she'll understand. She won't try to comfort you in your misery or tell you to straighten up. Intimate friends let each other hurt and they weep together. If your friend needs to complain, you will listen. Intimate friends don't bale, they stay. They allow you to be yourself no matter what 'self' looks like.

If you're looking for a Godly recipe for relationships, look no further. Mix together love, sacrifice, loyalty, and freedom and you can create an intimate friendship that lasts a lifetime.
Dear Lord, help me to be a friend like Jonathan. Then, bless me with the same. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Not really sure what to write...

I found myself praying and thinking the past few days and I guess, I have set up a lot of thoughts about my future. When I graduated from High School: I felt invincible. I really wanted to live my life completely apart from everything else I had known before. I didn't want to be sick and I didn't want anyone to know that I was sick or that there was anything different about me. I was sick of having people know me.

Upon going to college I knew people knew about my sickness and stuff but they didn't know it all... And that was great for me... People heard words without context and they found themselves okay with dealing with me because it hadn't effected the immediate presence.

Then: I found myself in a new place slowly it seems like everything has crept up into the playing field, people know me with the seizures, they have grown apprehensive and slowly I had my labels back... Defeat never hit me so hard, until I wasn't able to run on the XC team any longer after training in the Spring and Summer, and then a good portion of the season this fall... I felt like I had really grown passionate about something and finally I had something back into my life and it was helping me cope a little... I still felt lonely, and I still knew there was a lot to work out but it helped a lot being able to go out and run and face things with God.

When the most recent seizures occurred, I found myself off the team, alone a majority of the time... And well, just plain feeling crappy. I wasn't sure what to do with my time, I was exhausted from the stuff I had gone through physically, and life had most certainly changed as I had known it.

For the first time in my life: I have been faced with something that I couldn't just attach to a situation and find a good thing and pull myself up and over it... Slowly the silver linings of clouds were just smeared into the mess of everything else that was going on. I guess now more than ever I am finding that I am growing with God again, and I am waiting on Him... Was the three year plan really because maybe, I wouldn't be able to make it through this year? So I will actually just be getting done with everyone else? Is there something more to my life than what I will ever be able to imagine? I don't know...

Lately, there has been a lot of questioning... Not in my faith, but what next what now? And how much longer? It is going on six years of having adversity in my life on a grand scale like it has been... And in that six year stretch... I have really found a lot of highs and a lot of lows... But I question the low today and wonder if it's the lowest I have ever been... If you're out there and reading: I would ask that you pray for me as I begin to sort things out with my medical situation and everything else...

I apologize for the "depressing" post... I hope that in the end, if you have felt this way, or do feel this way: you can find the comfort in knowing, it's okay to wonder why... Wonder how much longer... And know that walking by faith sometimes is not walking blindly totally but just talking with God. I mean look at the Psalms!

I close with this:

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the LORD

and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed is the one

who trusts in the LORD,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]

5 Many, LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

but my ears you have opened[c]—

burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require.

7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.[e]

8 I desire to do your will, my God;

your law is within my heart.”

9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, LORD,

as you know.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.

I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness

from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;

may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head,

and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased to save me, LORD;

come quickly, LORD, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life

be put to shame and confusion;

may all who desire my ruin

be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”

be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who long for your saving help always say,

“The LORD is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

you are my God, do not delay.