I believe

I believe we are the authors of our life story; there is no other that can write it and I can honestly say- it’s one of the few that no one truly knows the ending until it happens. We can think we understand why each thing is happening at the moment or as they pass us by but we don’t definitively know what is truly taking place. Our life story is something of which we can’t plan out or else it becomes moments that are planned and not life at all but a series of things we expect to happen and want to happen and we don’t even see the reality until much later.

A year ago a lot of things were going on at this time of the year but also they were hitting me at tons of different angles. Through my friends, through my family- twinges of pain and trying to understand. I want you to see some excerpts of this- going from October of 2007 to recent months to around exactly a year ago.

October:
friend:
We had practice that night. She was sick and I was worried. She was getting worse and I couldn’t focus on what I was supposed to be doing. I don’t think the fact that the night was extremely stressful helped the situation at all…

Rehearsal ended. She was in a daze.

We got to the area in front of the senior cafeteria. I told her she needed to sit down, but instead she was leaning on me and all of a sudden all of her weight was on me.

I kept saying, “Vic… Victoria…”
No response.
She started to shake… She was having a seizure.

Oh, my God… Oh shit… Oh SHIT!... Get her down on the ground… be careful – don’t let her slam her head on the ground… Holy shit…

My mom’s yelling at me from across the cafeteria, “What’s going on?! What are you doing?!”
With wide eyes and through clenched teeth I told her, “She’s having a seizure!... Somebody needs to call an ambulance…”

I’d never felt so useless in my life. For a while I was kneeling next to her, stroking her hair or rubbing her arms. What else could I do? Once one of the band moms came over to check some things on her, I started pacing. I felt useless. There was nothing else I could do.

Hang in there, Vic.
You’re strong.
You can do this.
I’m here for you.

I’d stop and look on – this was too real. Never had I imagined…
More pacing.
Band moms were coming over and asking me if I was okay. They kept reassuring me: She’ll be okay, you know. They were worried about me as well.

I kept pacing. I just kept nodding my head.

Well I KNOW she’ll be okay – but at the moment, she’s kinda NOT.
YES, I’m okay… I think…

But I felt tears welling up, threatening to escape.

You can’t cry. You can be strong for this. Everything will be okay. It may not

seem okay now, but it will be, and you know it. Don’t cry. You’re not the

one who needs the attention right now. She does. You can’t cry.

She’s the one who needs the help… not you. You don’t need the attention

right now. She does. You can’t cry.

And I didn’t… at least until she left in the ambulance. Once she left, I guess no one could believe how calm I was through the whole thing. While me and my mom started walking toward the car, I couldn’t do anything else. It call came out. I was such a wreck that night. I cried. A lot.

At that point, I didn’t need a message sent to me the next day telling me what happened the night before. I was there. I was right there.

Photos are always intense. I have not done a photo slide show in awhile but as we reached a year of my port being placed and a year of my gall bladder removed some photos stood out looking through the file.

February:

Sometimes silence is golden, other times silence can be used as torture. The silence I think of is not silence at all but the whooshing and whirring of machines working their job. Sometimes people say that silence can be peaceful but I almost wish some noise tonight.

March:

Dear Mom,

These last few years have been extremely tough on you and the whole family as we try to understand what this horrible disease is and what I have in store for me. You've been a simply amazing mother, friend, provider, and spouse to Megan, dad and I. I am touched by how much you care about me and how selfless you are when it comes to the care you have to provide for me or get for me.

As I grow older I not only learn more about you and your character but I am also able to discern more about life and myself in general. You have absolute acceptance of me and you're one of the few that are able to look past the many complications that this disease has handed me. You have also shown me what it takes to love a family unconditionally and how selfless a mother must be when others are in need. Whether it is towards myself or another person that you have come in contact with. Over time you have taught me that giving to others is the best gift of all and that you shouldn’t condemn others of their shortcomings but listen to them and help them become a better person.

Thank you foremost for not only being my mother but also for the people that you have brought into my life through having you in my life. You have most definitely blessed my life in an immeasurable way and helped mold me to become the person I am today. Without you blessing my life I know that I would not be nearly as good of a person and I would probably be less confident and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate as much. When people say I am a good person I have a few people to thank for getting me to the place I am today and for giving me the insight and knowledge that I have and you are most definitely one of those people. I think the thing that I admire most about you is your ability to offer kindness to every person that walks into your life and that you can go out of your way to help someone even if you’re running late or have other plans to do that day. I will never forget the day that you stopped to take a lady from church to the mall from the bank even though we ourselves were running late to a doctor’s appointment. Your selfless approach on life is definitely something that I feel you should be noticed for and should be given acknowledgement for. Thank you so much for gracing my life with your presence and loving me unconditionally.

I want to say I love you. I can only hope that I have imparted a fraction of the love, warmth and camaraderie you have extended to me. A mere “thank you” doesn’t cut it, but thank you anyway.

Love,

Victoria

Almost exactly a year ago to date:

The fear of a child is felt by all and the joy and content of a child is considered by all. If you could remove the pain of a hurting child you would do it instantly, sometimes however it takes a few Popsicles to make the pain a little less tender. A scared little girl with removed IV can quickly turn into a chick watching TV. :)

Today:
Today I think back to these moments I am amazed with how far I have come. I am faced with new things new thoughts and new obstacles but nothing too hard to overcome. I am looking head on to a moving train getting ready to step aside and hop on. Not let this ride pass me by because sometimes baby you gotta do the locomotion! C'mon baby do the loco-motion. I don't think you'll like it, we just have to chance it. I don't want my baby sister doin' it with ease... Getting of the ride now. So C'mon C'mon lets swing these tests and rock these tracks and see if we can't get home with ease. C'mon C'mon the ride will stop now.

Prom.

Tomorrow is my senior prom and all of my friends are finding their way there.
Dresses all over and make-up and beauty are all at their door, or so it seems...
Once in awhile I would sit and think of the worst thing that could happen, never believing it to be true. Thinking of things like missing prom or even graduation to sit in the hospital instead.
Tonight is the night before my senior prom, I had a dress all picked out and everything seemed ready.
Now just days ago, things changed a little and look where this has landed me. here. stuck. cornered.

With tears streaming down my face I feel defeated once again. Defeated by a disease that shouldn't have such control but also by friends that I have held so tight.

I always thought if they were in my shoes I would do anything for them to make them feel better because I don't want them to feel how I do. Yet tonight I feel a little sad if any of them do show up because they have their lives too. Last year I made time to come to the hospital just before prom, not for me but for the nurses and the elderly ladies up on the floor I used to volunteer on. Not because it was convenient but because I had come a long way from having a catheter in me and an IV bag hanging and tubes everywhere. I wanted them to see the person I was not the person I am temporarily. I did it for them.

Sometimes I wish that life came with a little instruction booklet of how to feel. I wish I knew how to feel about my best friend who is too stressed. I want to support her yet I wish she knew how much 3 minutes mean to me. I want to be able to see things from her eyes yet I can't. Most of all I want to feel better so I could just go and be with her. Tears just pour from my eyes because I know no one will see both sides of the fence but I wish for a moment I could just get a glimpse of the feeling of being the pretty, smart, fun, healthy girl who landed prom queen and everything else. Tonight my heart most of all longs for just fitting into a healthy lifestyle no strings attached. What happened to those days?

Still in the hospital and filling a pitcher with tears,

Victoria

Chronic illness aka Q&A edition 2.

Okay, well I told Amy B. she could ask some questions because she didn't know I was back in blog land. She is the only exception because I have a huge soft spot in my heart for her son Philip. So here are her two answers.
Amy asks:
As a young adult the same age as my Philip... How do you make it through the harder days when you just wanna feel like WHY ME? Or What if?

Honestly, this might sound cliche- however my hard days are gone through with either reflecting on worse days or worship music. I love worship music with all of my heart and soul. When those don't work I have a select few people that I can go to and cry or talk to. There are actually two girls I know of off the top of my head and one guy that I have called and they have listened to me cry for far too long. I feel really bad about that sometimes, however that's how I get through those moments. I love them forever, I wish I could tell them about how much I love them. The What if days... Those are far and few between for me, but it seems like when they hit the idea doesn't leave fast. It scares me sometimes especially when I know there is something off. Even something slight, I am on my toes and scared. I wish people knew what it was like to have a stabbing pain and within two days have surgery. I think after getting my gal-bladder out last year I realized that things could get serious fast and that scares me sometimes. Although being with Jesus is going to be awesome I can only imagine.

"Philip rarely has those days but when he does they are so hard for me as his mom...I would love to know better how to help him."

I feel like the best way to help, is to listen. Support him even if it is screaming right along with him, there is no promise for tomorrow for anyone, that's the truth. However the days we are here should be spent loving each other. Show him love and let it be known he is loved.

Do you have any idea how special of a young lady I think you are? I just am so glad you are back. I have worried about you when you left a while back.

Honestly- with two people saying this now. I really don't know if I do know how special people see me. I don't think I will ever know because I have learned when God is in the picture, somehow the unthinkable always happens.

This Question and Answer time has gotten me to notice how people feel and what they wonder when they look at me. If you have other questions even if they are trivial. Leave them around, I might do another answer time with them if there are enough. I really wonder sometimes what people think when they're looking at a teen that's really sick. However I look at them now and I feel like it seems more normal to me. There are a lot of very sick, very hurting teens and I mean physically hurting not mentally but mentally hurting too. Okay so both. I feel like it's something that is actually pretended to be little but I know quite a few.

I feel that the dealing with a Chronic illness isn't talked about a lot. I also feel like when you're a teen it's an awkward time to be sick. Right now I feel like I am trying to figure out who I am as a person like every other teenager that is going through this period in their life. They experiment with things they go crazy they sneak out they, well- they do a lot of things. I see my peers do things a lot and I think wow that's awesome or I am glad I am not doing that. However at the same time I am taking on the responsibility of calling doctors and making decisions. Decisions that could quite possibly affect me in major ways the rest of my life. No, I don't mean college. So for those things it's stressful. I also think that sometimes those things are ignored among my friends and sometimes adults that I associate with. I think I overreact to little things because I feel like one day I am going to wake up and that person might be gone. Yes that is a real fear I have.

This article made me feel a little more normal about some things. Although I don't agree with some of the topics on the list and could bring it down to like 30 some of them really hit the nail on the head.

The two below hit me personally because in the last few weeks I feel like both have happened and I feel really bad about it now. I am praying about a certain situation because I feel at peace about it now, but it felt like a huge deal a few days ago.

Always ask before touching or hugging and never give them a power handshake or a friendly biff on the shoulder. Many people with chronic illnesses are in a lot of pain, particularly if they have symptoms like that of Fibromyalgia, where every touch signal can be magnified into significant pain. This changes all the time, so don’t stop hugging them, just check first and be gentle.

Recognise that pain and extreme tiredness can make anyone irritable (have you never snapped at someone when you’re sick with flu?) and that various medications can affect behaviour. If your friend does or says something rude or hurtful, give them the benefit of the doubt. They may well be horrified afterwards.

This is The End of my Question and Answer and Answer time! Hope you enjoyed.

Question & Answer

Your homework is in: Here are the questions with Answers of course.

From BoufMom9

How old were you when you were diagnosed?

It was the summer of 2005, so I was 14 years-old.

Were you relieved or upset to have a name for your illness?

When I was first diagnosed I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what Lyme disease was, and I was just like "oh". I wanted it to be treated soon and I figured within the next month I would be fine. I never really knew much about Lyme disease until like last year. I didn't know about anyone elses stories really anyways. I just kept in my personal life with what was going on with me. I did know it stunk though. I remember Halloween my Freshman or Sophomore year, I went with my friend Melissa... We came back early and I got home and had a break down and cried and told my mom how sick I felt all the time and how horrible it was. She was so confused... We both were. I am sad now that I have been sick this long, however I have met some amazing people and for that I wouldn't trade it.


Finally, do you have any idea what an inspiration you are to others?

This is something I hear from people a lot. However personally, I have a pretty low self-esteem. I don't feel how I take what is handed me is any different than it should be taken. It is nothing special and I am not trying to be a big deal. It is just how I have to get through my life. Everyone has a story behind their skin, some just aren't as open as I have been with mine.

Melody asks:

What sort of activities/hobbies do you enjoy that help you cope with being chronically ill?

Well a. I am having trouble believing this is chronic because I fully believe God will heal me one day. So therefore I don't think I will be sick forever. Even if that's what the doctors say... Things that help me through the day are painting, and art, ah there are a few things. Well I love to paint and I love artwork. I have taken a liking onto making this book, it's kinda cool, just me experimenting pretty much. I also am a chronic dreamer so that is an activity in itself. I love to dream about things like jumping in mud muddles, laughing till my stomach hurts or twirling in dresses. If you know me in person and have known me for awhile- you know I will daze off once in awhile, I swear I am off in an awesome dreamland. I love to help others as well. If I could do anything in the world for the rest of my life it would be give back to the community. If everyone did that we would be free of a lot of un-happy people. OH and good mail. I LOVE MAIL. Giving and receiving. It's the best stuff in the world. It literally can make me SO happy. I think it's the best. I like to send packages too. Lots of them. So, some of these don't seem like they could make me happy- or deal well but hearing about the joy things bring others makes me feel like I count for something, as selfish as that sounds and sometimes remembering that makes me remember that being sick doesn't have that big of a strong hold on me. Oh, and I love to talk to my grandparents. It's something new I am enjoying that helps me remember I am still young and they give me advice, especially on college. My grandpa has had some really interesting points of view on it. I am thankful for family the most.

Ladies, Since you're the ONLY two people who responded to my post I have a little surprise for you, some good mail! Please e-mail me with an address to send it to! :)

See? Maybe if you responded to my posts you would be getting good mail too!!

Life through a shot glass

Shot Glasses to me are nothing special- however I asked some people what they thought of shot glasses.

To some they're a collectors item just as a special coin or a t-shirt they travel with them from place to place getting un-packed and packed as they move from house to house.

Others they are symbolically for drinking and they think of the amount of liquid they can consume in short periods of time.

Do I live my life through a shot glass? The moments spent with them are quick but for some the re-occurring to want to spend more time with this given shot glass are longer and longer. The shot glass soon isn't adequate for the person and isn't large enough to give them enough. I think this applies in a lot of senses I think we tend to be shot glass people. We're short in our actions and we have no intention- we could say a harsh blow or be a thick liquid before you know it they're gone but the lasting effects of what we let fill us lasts for awhile. Sometimes forever.

A shot glass to me is a symbol of Apple Cider Vinegar that I have to drink in order to keep my liver in check. The sting of the drink is horrible and it really is gross but the effect of that can help me potentially, forever. The other day I was taking my swig of Apple Cider Vinegar when I thought of how for some that little shot glass wasn't enough. If you were in the desert, and it was the only cup of water it would feel like so much. Yet, if it were filled with pennies, it might be invaluable. If the shot glass were filled with a high proof of alcohol it might be potent, however if it were filled with air it would be nothing. If the glass was made of gold it would be seen as more valuable than the glass made of plastic. Shot glasses are really not that large but when filled with the right item, or made of something special- they become so much more.

I don't know why but sometimes I wonder if I fill my life with the right things 100% of the time or if I am just another shot-glass to dust and put on the shelf.

Prizes thoughts and more.

I found this site pretty interesting and thought I would share



This lady seems pretty amazing and the whole site has an awesome feel. I am impressed and she's giving away some pretty sweet prizes to sweeten the awesome blog she is starting. For kids with disabilities!

I also have been thinking. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a shot glass? I want to hear from you! :) Let me know.

Birthday.

Today I am turning 18. So in honor of my 18th year of life I would like to put 18 random facts about myself up because it seems that this is a popular thing to do.

- God is top priority in my life and my drive is given a lot by the force of my faith. I love God with all of my heart and I can't see it any other way. My faith has gotten a lot stronger over the past few years and I have gotten so I can't stand missing church.

- In most of my childhood photos I am dressed up as something either dressing to look like a certain era, or just dressed up and being a ham. I have lots of photos from when I am younger and in all of them I am doing something abnormal. I kind of wonder if I have any that I just smile normal in.

- I absolutely hate starting a new doctor. I hate going there and I hate having them not know anything about me. It stresses me out because I always feel like I am forgetting something.

- Turing 18 is the first age I have felt stressed about turning. I don't want to be 18 for a number of reasons but one being that I won't be a real kid anymore and the bank already sent me a letter saying I was eligible for a new type of bank account.

- I used to be obsessed with keeping my room clean now, I lack motivation to clean my room...

- Painting is my biggest relaxation technique and it calms me down. I haven't found anything else I enjoy doing more- however writing is a close second.

- I absolutely hate crumbs in my bed and will do anything to avoid them even if it means demanding foot washing or changing my sheets at midnight. I need things to be in order.

- Traveling is an awesome thing to do, as long as you're not going to doctors appointments. I hate doctors appointment traveling however I have been out of the country twice to Taiwan and Ireland and I loved it. I hope to go back to Europe again some day. It was beautiful. Taiwan however, not so much but who knows what the future holds.

- I like order and schedule. I would rather have mapped out days and such than a bunch of chaos. I like to know what I am doing in a week advance if it's possible, although many plans don't stick or they fall through last minute.

- Watching the snow fall is one of my favorite activities and I would do it all day if I could, color and watch the snow fall. It's a silent act that's really mesmerizing, thus why I am worried about driving in winter weather.

- When I was younger I used to tell everyone I was going to be a baby doctor. I loved babies and I still do. I find small children to be an amazing thing since we all start as a single cell. The complexity of our minds and everything baffles me. Now at least 14 years later, I am still considering the medical field and I love people.

- Now I see the brain as one of the most interesting things in the body. I can't see it as anything other than something I wonder if we will ever fully understand.

- One of my biggest motivators is my grandmother she was a wonderful woman and I can't imagine what life would be like if I had never met her. She always made me think I could do anything I put my mind to and put a lot of faith in me. She even used to let me cook and peel potatoes and do anything I could to help in the kitchen even if it meant taking a little longer to teach me and watching me cut my finger and learn things the hard way. She never was too busy. I hope if anything I can take the compassion and her love for God, and people and her pace back to my own life.

- I live for the moments I can step out of my comfort zone and overcome something or make myself a better person from an experience. Even just speaking up when I am nervous. However, I think there is a limit that should be put to these moments or else it becomes even more stressful.

- I really am amazed by God and the way he works in people. I think that is awesome and I always am interested to see what his plan is next. I don't agree with his plan 100% of the time and if I was God sometimes I think I would never want anyone to die... However I feel that some of my biggest spiritual growth was when I was hanging on by a thread. Plain and simple God to me is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am in love with him.

- My favorite years of my life were the years spent in elementary school. I loved the wonder I had then and I try to tune back in with that wonder from time to time. I love simple things and I can sit for hours enjoying little things rather than big complex things.

- I am really reliant on my computer and all of the data it stores. I am concerned about how much I use my computer and I kind of hope that I can start to work away from that by the time I turn 19. Hopefully this will be something I fixed over the course of a year. I don't want to adjust to my reliance of the computer though.

- I dislike people who find it their job to be negative. I am all about cheering people up, however I also believe that you have a time that you can be negative but I don't like it if you think it's okay to stay that way for a long time. It really bothers me and I will do anything in my power to let you know I still care about you. I really do love people and I will do my best to give you my undivided attention. If you don't feel like I am giving it to you, you can call me- if I am distracted then, then you know something is wrong with me. I don't usually pick my phone up unless I am ready to talk.

Bonus- One year as a birthday gift.. My twin cousins were born on my birthday. Although at the time I wasn't sure if I was completely thrilled about sharing the date, I absolutely love sharing my birthday with them now. These two little girls are splendid and I love their zest for life and their sweet personalities. Below is a photo of them and their older sister and I the day of my testimony.

Today is my 18th year of life. I am thankful for this year and I am so thankful for the 17th year where I learned a lot about myself. I feel like every year I grow older I am a little more in tune with myself. I am so glad that I have been able to get into my skin and wear out my body a little more this year and I am thankful for everyone in my life. As a birthday present to me- lurkers de-lurk. If you are a reader who has come for awhile and you don't comment, comment. I would love to hear from you! Dad, this means you. :) So to all of the February 4th birthday's Happy Birthday!

Now just for fun because I thought it would be here is my year in review in words- Things that only happen once and happened while I was 17.

Sister moved out and then moved to her own apartment- First steady boyfriend- First surf competition- First time I swam from our cottage to elephant rock, not only facing my fears of seaweed and dark water but also swimming a great amount still being sick and never doing it before- First kiss- First annual Lyme Walk was started by Sarah and I- First time I ever had a problem with chloraprep- First surgery- First time going to camp since I got sick- First small group setting this summer, loved it so much I have a deep passion for making it to my small group at church because I love the setting and the people we have in it.- First time sharing my testimony to others and finding out how much others could care about me. It was an awesome experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world.- First youth pastor I really connected with moved away- Got accepted to my first college- Tackled my fear of public speaking and never looked back.- Found that with God, anything is possible and have learned to pray about everything, still working on the worry about nothing part.- Met one of my cousins who is 30 something for the first time and learned a lot about fishing. I think it's in our blood- Submitted my art and writing to the first contests ever and earned honorable mention on my art, still haven't heard anything about my writing.- Went to my first and maybe only prom I will ever go to- Met my first band in person.- Found my true passion for people and started a lot of things like a Lyme Christmas program and now we're starting a local 501(c)3 program that will be non-profit and can raise money for local activities.

That is my year of firsts and only moments. I am sure there are many more. Celebrate with me, I would love to share cake with you and your family. Go ahead make a cake in honor of the day I turn 18 and share some sugary delight with me! Festivities begin this weekend with a little party this weekend, nothing big just something. (note- if you share cake make sure you let me know so I can see a picture!)

Smiling from the inside out.

Today has been interesting, well this whole week has been kind of side swiping me. I don't know what to think but I have really kind of been happy today. For the most part anyways. I have found that I continue to find good in others and I just really love people so much. I mean I have really found a lot of places I need to work on but I am just really happy because I feel like right now in my life I am really connected with my core and who I am.

I just really find life exciting no matter what happens because we just have so much going on and then just to see the lives of others and how they are changing. I just can't explain how things have changed over the last few weeks but they have. I miss things that used to be constants for me, like hanging out with friends and the people I hung out with but it's comforting knowing they're still there- they just don't keep in touch as much sometimes... I have also started committing to reading at least one verse of the bible every night no matter how tired I am. I even started liking it so much that there is an alarm set on my phone to do so. I am doing it with a friend from church and he's a really neat kid. I like how he thinks so different from me so that we can discuss things and it is just really interesting.

I have seen how much my faith has changed my life even within the last year... I mean I don't feel like I would be anywhere without that to hold on to. My focus has moved away from man and more to God, it's interesting how that works but with reading the bible I have also found that it helps reinforce things I think. (Psalm 146:2&4- Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing.) The scripture spoke a lot to me not only about putting trust in man but also about planning, I mean it basically says our plans come to nothing the day we die. Yet we live in structured society of which says plans must be made, I am not always for living in the moment however how often can we say we trust God with our future? So much that we don't even give it a second thought to talk about it with God?

I am just thinking a lot tonight about so much, I have so much to be thankful for yet there are things that I wish I had back. Things I miss things I desire... I miss my friends most of all and it's hard to think of anything else that I wish I could have back. I really just wonder if they miss me as much as I do them... I also miss the liberties of going out and having fun and living life as a normal teen, like staying out late and not being told that I have medications to take or an IV to do. I guess some things I don't think I will ever get as much, even just a shower today- I had a shower without the needle of my port in and it felt so good... I sometimes wonder if I ever realized how much effort it took to walk or how a shower could feel so absolutely amazing. I almost think you should get the experience of being stuck constantly in a wheelchair or not being able to wash and see how much you can experience and how it feels because it really does give me a whole new perspective.

I don't know where I will be tomorrow or ten years from now, but tonight I am a teenager living a sick persons life and I am ready to go running through the finish line and be done and look back at a race that I can look back and say. Ran hard, Sweat lots, Gave it my all, and Won.

I hope every week from here on out I can find at least one thing to be really thankful for like down in my heart thankful for. This week I am thankful for love of others... I think I will update tomorrow with a post on some other events in my life that just amplify the emotion of love.

One Word. One Year. One God.

So I was reading some different posts over the last while and I saw this site. However I gave it little thought and kept going on my with my day. Sometimes I can't focus on things or I loose sight of what is going on. I can't focus on things or what I am reading. So if I feel like at those times I get worried I will miss something or miss the message that is being sent so I avoid doing it or reading the action all together.

I realize this post is a little late but I thought about it and went to http://www.myoneword.org/ to see what the hype was about. In that time I went to the site I kind of got a focus on it and the videos really stood out to me. I watched them all and began thinking about my word. What is something that would help me not only live a better life but help me really be able to focus on the Lord even more than I am already. That's when I thought of relax. Sometimes we need to relax before the Lord and let him work in our lives. We need to let things go and just let him take hold. So I want to take my day to day life and relax. I think it really is a word that has stood out in my life. So often I strive to do things and get things accomplished, however are the things I am doing God honoring, I mean the tasks might not be a sin but are they really what God is speaking in my life? Or something I want?

I think that so often I can't relax and I get worked up over things such as getting a project done or seeing a new project but I don't see the daily "wins" as I go through life. The littlest things. It's easy to get caught up in the big picture. I guess it has been really put on my heart to put all things in God's hands and let myself just relax, listen and accept. It's easy to go on and think you're letting God take hold but once you give things to him you're supposed to let go and not stress. There is an analogy I have heard used with sand that you hold sand in your hand and grip it so tight and then you give it to God and then you hold it in your grasp again, slowly things start to wither away and as you grasp it and let go soon it is no longer there at all. So maybe instead of figuring things out 100% of the time it's better to relax.

So my one word of the year is relax.

Home, Hopeful, and feeling a tad bit better!

After the last post I wasn't feeling too great so I didn't want to post again for a bit until I knew I was okay and what was going on. I am pretty sure I have been fighting something viral as well as the herxing from the new IV antibiotics. So it has been a little intense here at the house and who knows what still lies ahead but I have been doing my IV at home and got my port needle changed this week for the first time and now that will be weekly as well as antibiotics IV daily. Along with everything else that I was taking before.

I know the medical stuff to some is a little redundant or kinda boring but for the last 3 weeks it has kind of taken over my life. I have been feeling so crappy some nights sleeping isn't an option till around 1 or 2 in the morning and some nights even 3 am! So it has been a struggle to get my thoughts on other things, like my 18th birthday and college. I just got accepted to a college near home, Roberts Wesleyan and it would be enough away from home that I wouldn't be in my backyard but coming home wouldn't be an issue either. I can't wait to hear from the other college I applied to and start to decide about things like that! Ha. So basically I am just going on and trying to figure out what can be done and what is left to do to make sure I am able to graduate in June.

I also am excited about going to church tomorrow and getting back to youth group after 2 weeks of missing it...

It seems as though I am in for a ride and need to hold on tight but after this week I don't doubt that anything is impossible, through Christ who strengthens me.

Hello

Hi all it's Victoria and for the first time in awhile I am posting. I am still in the hospital and even on high doses of pain medication I am really feeling the pain. Today Physical Therapy comes in to analyze and try to figure out the situation. My strength comes and goes and I continue to fight. I am overwhelmed with how horrible I feel and how weak I have been. I wish I could write today with a warm fuzzy feeling of good health and happiness but it doesn't seem that way. Today the meeting with my PCP was basically you have lots of nerve damage, very bad nerve damage. We're now looking at things such as walking being an obstacle that may be the hardest it has ever been to get back. I have demanded new blood tests and other takes on the situations. I am searching for second and third opinions and we're going with all we can. Right now my energy has been used to be getting better, seeking hope and meeting half way with God.

Last night was an extremely taxing and overwhelming night on me. I had a lot running through my mind and laid listening to sermons from other churches on my friend's ipod. I have never felt more in tune with God and yet so out of sync. Things have been hectic and it's crazy just sitting here typing this and gathering my thoughts. It has almost been a week and in that week I have bounced from telemetry to ICU to now pediatrics. My 18th birthday comes February 4th and it feels like the last 4 years of my life now are all a blur. It's so amazing how things can come and how fast a rug can be pulled out from under you. I ask you for prayer and discernment. This road is going to be long and right now it's taking a lot of strength just to hold my head up. Yesterday, standing up I passed out in my nurses arms even going slow. I am going to continue to have Sarah blogging for me as much as she can because I will not have my laptop and my strength is still not high enough to continue blogging although I feel this is crucial to keep updated. For my own personal reference, and my family. I thank all of you for your prayers it humbles me all of the compassion that has poured out.

Right now I am searching for treatment and doctors and everything else. My heart breaks as I almost made it to half way through my Senior year and now I am at a stand-still. I am so heart-broken. Your kind messages mean the world to me and now I am just waiting. This post has taken me so long to write and I have a feeling it may be awhile before I can post again but I want to sincerely thank you for all you have done. Right now medical bills are through the roof the treatments that may be ahead will probably be even more expensive if it's anything that we have been thinking about. I am so overwhelmed with what is going on and to be honest I am heart broken about it all.



Please continue to pray and keep me in your thoughts. I hope some day I will be able to say this disease helped me touch the lives of others. But today it feels like I am walking on broken glass. My guess is that Sarah will continue to post as she can and her time permits. Those of you who participated in Lyme Christmas I hope you got thank you cards if you didn't from me that's because they're on my desk and no one has mailed them for me yet. If you got gifts- please make sure you sent out thank you cards and I thank everyone who was a part of that from the complete and absolute bottom of my heart. It means the world to me and I am so thankful for your kindness. I am hoping to start a thing with Lyme teens to boost spirits because to be absolutely honest- mine have been in the dumpster... I have never felt so upset and alone as I have this hospital stay. It has really taxed my spirits and how to get on with life. Thoughts of college have been diminished and everything I have been really hoping for has been kind of put on hold. So continue to pray updates will be as they can be and hopefully home will be soon but looks like it might be awhile.

Thank you all for your encouragement.

Victoria

If you could change someone's life... Would you do it?

I have a question today that weighs greatly on my heart... If you could change someones life would you do it? If it meant giving everything you had up to help someone would you? I wonder sometimes what testing faith is all about. It's easy for me to persevere when I see things actively happening all around me. But it's not so easy when I don't see things moving or changing in any fashion. Today, I am thinking and with that I realized my faith is so very small. It's almost nothing but the Lord uses even faith as small as a mustard seed. To me, that sounds so huge and now I ask.

If you could change someones life... Would you?

I got thinking about it and you know a month ago I wasn't able to walk and in our school, little things I didn't notice were harder than ever. Like the fact it's up hill to go through part of our school and it's up hill to go back through. There are these little ramp things in our "link" that you have to go up in order to get to the other end of the school. Well, one day a guy pushed me up those two ramps while I was trying to push myself with my hands. It was really hard and it got to be tiring but that one act of kindness meant the world to me. He was kind enough to push me and get me over that hill.

Sometimes hills are physical hills but mental or spiritual ones and I have suffered from those as well but- I wonder sometimes, when I am walking, am I so caught up in my new found health and the busy world that I can't stop to help someone who is in the shoes I am in... It makes me think and wonder how many people I have cheapened or given short amounts of time because I thought I had something more important to do- but really, I believe it's about the relationships, the people, not the things we find important but the things we should be doing. I am a very broken person but I believe there is time to improve who I am.

Busy Busy Busy... Silence?

I am so sorry I have lacked to show any enthusiasm this past while in the blogosphere. I wish I had something exciting to say like I just got back from a surprise free trip to a Caribbean Cruise. However that's not the case at all. I have just been catching up with friends and family, and I am very thankful that I can say for once- it's not because I didn't have anything to write! It's because I didn't have enough time to sit down and actually compile my thoughts. My room has been a mess things have been chaotic and it's starting to settle down. I have two art pieces to get done my Monday both that are highly complex but do-able. So that will be nice when those are finally done.

I continue to be humbled by the comments people leave and the sincerity in their words. I am meeting many wonderful people. For now, I have another essay to write for a scholarship and artwork to do and a book I would like to finish! Life is crazy but that's okay. I soon will be back in school and with some sort of schedule. I also will be getting feedback from the two colleges I applied to. So we shall see! I am thinking about going to visit them too here in January! Maybe towards the end of the month. I want to take my artwork and such to them. I am quite excited. So there is a brief update. I will write more later.

This is a post where I give thanks.

This past week has been frustrating and full. It has been overwhelming with what is yet to be done and all the people to contact. My days have been full and my nights are full of sleeping hard because I worked so hard all day that it often pulls into the night hours of getting homework done or doing last minute studying. I am just exhausted. I am starting to realize in this time all of the things I have to be thankful for. I mean I am blessed with so many things and so many huge, huge blessings. I have thought a lot and been talking to a lot of people who inspire me or give me encouragement. I am starting to realize that one of my biggest blessings is my faith. My faith in God and my faith that things will get better, my hope that is strong enough that it gives me a will to help others.

Just a few short weeks ago I was burdened with the thought of me being helpful and hopeful to others. I didn't understand how it was helping me or what it was doing, and to be completely honest I had no idea how I had carried through with so many tasks of speaking kindly and why things were turning leaves the way they were. I didn't understand it. So as I was talking to my youth pastor I was saying I don't know how I did it. I was ready to throw in the towel because it seemed every place I turned the corner there was someone to turn to me and rip down my self esteem question what I believed, or divulge me in so many questions. I didn't understand their questioning and I just felt wouldn't it be nice, if I could see things the way God does. I had a hard time with what was going on and I just wanted to show people and let them see things through my eyes. I wish they knew is all I could think, and soon in the days that followed I felt peaceful and now I am feeling a little calmer. It has been hard and it has been heart breaking and the stress of school, doctors appointments, and the scope that have followed have been stressful on me as well. But now more than ever I realize I have so much to be thankful for.

I am blessed with my creativity and thinking outside of the box because without it, I wouldn't have put together my Christmas Wish List for others and this holiday season would have been a little dimmer. Not only for the people who are getting gifts, but for me as well because I have felt great joy just hearing of their happiness and content. Letting them know that people do care and have found it in their hearts to take the time to send them a package. I am so glad I came up with that idea.

I also have found that even though I don't understand things or even if it is really confusing- that things have a way of becoming clearer. I don't really get a lot that happens and when I do get it a new meaning surfaces later on. Yet, it has been something I am learning it's okay. I am so very grateful for the gifts I have received in the mail already, I have tried to encourage others to buy for the Lymies on my wish list if they can- ignoring my wants and reaching out to others. Just because I feel like it would be a three way gift and benefit all parties involved. I am very thankful for everyone who has contributed to the Lymie Christmas this year.

I am also thankful for the things like my sight, my ability to walk, talk and have an opinion that counts. I am thankful that I am heard. It is so heartbreaking for me to look into other countries and see how women are treated and this year I have seen so many things change in our country in the vision of women and the views of so many other things that I am thankful that I am here. I am glad that I have had "character building" experiences whatever they may have been they have shaped me and changed me for the better. This is just one of those posts that I want to say thank you, thank you for reading, praying, thinking of me when times are tough and sharing your story and walking along side me in this path that we call life. I appreciate it, and I hope that I will be back to posting more frequently this upcoming week- however, if I am not- I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Healthy and Happy New Year. Christ is really the reason for the season this year and I hope knowing there is something more to life that you find peace above all else, this holiday season and in the upcoming new year- through the financial burden that has been placed upon so many homes.

Twas the first day of Christmas...

This season has been everything but peaceful! I have been busy every night of the week and holding on by my pant legs to get everything caught up. Dot my i's and cross my t's! Packages were to be sent homework stacked high as I missed each day I missed. I am sorry for my lack of updates. Last week was difficult and this week will be a race of the fittest to see how much back work I can make up in 5 days. Complete with a photography photo shoot and a bunch of other stuff. I hope to slow down next week when we have off school and I can make priorities and finish portfolio work for college. I have a self portrait to get done and my still life to finish! Plus studying for multiple tests and working my butt off.

I come to you with even more prayer. I have a good friend Meghan Marks that her family's house burnt down this past weekend. I feel so bad and am a wreck about it. Their family has been nothing but good. Her mother also has Lyme disease and she is a wonderful girl. I am trying to think of what I can do for this family. My heart breaks for them as they enter the holiday season with little money to be found. All of the members of the family made it out of the house safely and now we're working on making the holiday a little brighter and hopefully coming together as a community. I am thinking about "selling" one of my paintings to honor this family like you buy chances for $3 and get it. Above is a sample of my paintings. Each painting of mine comes with a story and I would post a photo then it would go for around a month or so. If someone has ever done something like this and would be able to give me some insight. I am hoping to help their family. Another hardship to overcome! Prayers are appreciated.

Victoria

Crying out

We have some clues and we're moving to answers. Tonight I am so weak I feel so tired and I don't feel like it's going to be a easy road ahead. I feel like someone just beat me all over with a bat put me in a sound magnified room with bright lights shining all over. I am weak and I just want to cry out to scream. This disease is horrible and I hope that some day I can stand with triumph over what it has done to me. I am so eager to make others lives better to save them and show them they can prevent what has happened to me. I wish this upon no one. My heart goes out to those who suffer and I fall to my knees and pray. Oh please join me in prayer as I feel my body weaken and my hot tears trickle down my face. This doesn't seem humane.

The Update.

Things have been kind of crazy the past few days. I have been in a lot of pain and my body feels weak. I went to school yesterday and stayed home today and went to a doctors appointment for my stomach and that's where I was informed I would be having a scope done tomorrow. The doctor seemed a lot better than my previous doctor and receptive about the care. I am grateful for doctors like him and I am hoping to be back in school on Thursday. What a week this is going to be. It has been a lot of physical aches and pain and the mental stress of everything. It is so overwhelming going to school and trying to get everything caught back up. I don't even know how to deal with it lately. Sorry this was a place to vent more than a place to spread good cheer but one thing is brought clear tonight. I got a frame with a bible verse in it and it's Psalm 37:23-24. The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand. For now that is what rings true. Below are some random facts about me. I know there are some numbers missing. I don't know where they went. Thanks Kelsey.

RULES: There are 100 statements and you bold the ones you have done. Grab it and play for yourself!!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disney World
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept in an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill I go to doctors appointments all the time when I feel like I might have been strong enough to go to school.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someones life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

SAT's

So now that I am a senior and this is my very last chance to take the SAT to get into the schools I have applied to, I really need to do well tomorrow. I have had every obstacle placed in my way to NOT let this test go well tomorrow. I am getting the little jitters about taking the test a bit. I don't even know why but it's just to me, ridiculous that we can be tested by one standard test and it has a lot of weight by what we achieve. I really feel like they care, if they base me off of one number on one specific day. Out of 365 days they choose the test day to take that score and know what you are? I don't think it's right. You can disagree but isn't a GPA good enough where you have a collection of grades making up you? Not just one score? I don't get it. I probably never will but hey, I am doing what they ask of me. Please be praying for me as I wake up as a normal school day tomorrow and have to be at the test center at 7:45. I am going to be using my testing accommodations and hopefully those will help. I also just found my graphing calculator decided tonight it would show it needs new batteries so we will be leaving extra early so that I can get new batteries on the way so I don't risk taking the test without a calculator tomorrow. I am so nervous! Guess this makes up for my relaxation up to this point. I have just been wiped out!

Thank you for the support you guys have given me and I hope I will see through even this ridiculous test- for sure it will not cause pain, there will be no pokes or blood drawn, how bad can a test really be? I guess one thing can be assured I will not get any result out of this test that could be proven fatal or could tell me that statistics say things will not be good for me. There is always hope for the community college and I have even considered just applying there getting accepted and having the ease of mind I am in. So I don't have to worry if I get two other rejection letters. Things will work out! Just now, pray I get up at 5 so everything works according to plan. I will be even more frazzled if anything else happens.

A Quilt as a Map for my life

I have had so many different experiences that, well I can't really explain in words. I am left awestruck and amazed, in disbelief of how my life has turned out. Sometimes I feel like a wreck and I am scrambling around to pick up the pieces- other days, well- I am just letting the day pass me by, finding what I can and working at what is given.

I guess my eyes have been opened and things are clearer, God is moving in my life in huge ways… I can’t explain it but I know he’s there. It started with a dream about a quilt. It was a powerful dream with vibrant color- the quilt was beautiful and the person who gave it to me was full of energy and excitement. I didn’t see who they were and the gift brought me to tears in my dream. From that night I picked apart the dream and thought about what it could possibly mean. I finally came up with an idea but then that got pushed to sea. I felt even more alone and pushed away that night. Nothing seemed as though it could bring me joy. I was so upset. I didn’t even know what to think- I spent the evening crying and trying to figure out what I should do how to change things what to leave the same. I just really didn’t know. I felt as though my life was on a fast roller coaster and things were completely overwhelming.

The next day after skipping the church service, I arrived to give some people a ride to a service project that I was half dragged into because I felt obliged to do it. So I went and once I arrived at church my youth pastor saw me and he was so happy to see me, he said he had something for me. He said it with such enthusiasm and well, after waiting for months for DVD’s from camp and the retreat I was certain that was what the gift would be. I was kind of proud of him; he finally was getting it done. I was extremely surprised when I followed him into his office to see a bag with a green and orange pattern. My first thought was oh jeez this is some sort of a joke, a clown costume. My mind I noticed was snapping to thoughts as quick as a wink jumping to conclusions. He then pulled out a quilt that he said had been made for me. I was surprised to say the least, speechless. I didn’t feel I was “eligible” for something like this from the shawl ministry because I had received a shawl but- this wasn’t a shawl at all. This was a quilt, I felt honored, humbled, and I was in shock. Who could have made this quilt? Just the night before I was bemused over a quilt and I was feeling selfish and now this one was just set before me. It had been prayed over and it was a gift; I don’t really know who made it, or where it came from, but now this quilt has become one of the biggest gifts I have ever gotten.

That night the quilt offered me just the right amount of heat on a chilly evening and now these days that follow it comes with me all around the house it is my security, it is my tissue for tears, it is now mapping events in my life. I decided with this quilt I wanted to put names on it- to add stories to it and for each square to symbolize what is going on now, and what goes on in the future. So now I am beginning my adventures with this quilt two names have been placed on photos of squares two lives that changed me and as time passes this quilt will have its’ own special scrapbook and a special place in my heart. I don’t know who did this but it has been an act of kindness that has not gone un-noticed. I am so very grateful and I am amazed by their generosity. I am just awestruck by the love of strangers.

Just a few days till thanksgiving

It's just a few days until thanksgiving and I wanted to say, today I am most thankful for random acts of kindness. Have you ever had a random act of kindness done for you? What was it? What made you happy? I encourage you to do random acts of kindness this year. For my advent December 1st- December 25th I am going to do a random act of kindness every day, giving to others is the best gift you can receive.

Have a wonderful day.