Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sometimes it's not you that has to take control, but it's God.
After thinking about this post for awhile I really wanted to put my heart in it. Through being sick this time it has really brought me to think about a lot of things, there was a night a few nights ago where I honestly thought I might be dying. I am not trying to scare you or exaggerate. However I could feel my blood rushing through my body. My chills were overcoming my body and I couldn't stop shaking. I was completely awake feeling extreme crushing pain on my head. It was a moment that I was scared and all I could pray is, God I didn't know you wanted me to go so soon. I feel like there is so much I have that is unfinished.
The infection is surely there and I have an abnormal echo-cardiogram. The infection itself will be dealt with by removing the port that harbors the bacteria. Which is good. Things are going to be busy and intense over the next few days and I will try to have anyone that can sign in and update the blog. This way I will have the days after to remember and reflect on.
People have said I need to be more positive or handle things a little different but I find most of all I need to cling to God. I often feel like I am not thanking him enough or I am not noticing the things he gives us. So therefore I found a song that I feel adequately shows this emotion. Ignore the video. The song is It's A Good Day by FFH This song is inspiring me to say- It really is a Good Day.
I will update you now with a few more tidbits of what is going on:
Last night I had another episode of severe chills and I have a fever that I still haven't shaken hopefully I will soon. The chills were horrible and have weakened me a lot but I am clinging to God and I find myself seeking him more and more the weaker I get. My PCP was off today and another lady came in and eased many of my fears. God will see me through no matter how dark the corner.
Please continue to pray for me and especially my family as we face this together.
The infection is surely there and I have an abnormal echo-cardiogram. The infection itself will be dealt with by removing the port that harbors the bacteria. Which is good. Things are going to be busy and intense over the next few days and I will try to have anyone that can sign in and update the blog. This way I will have the days after to remember and reflect on.
People have said I need to be more positive or handle things a little different but I find most of all I need to cling to God. I often feel like I am not thanking him enough or I am not noticing the things he gives us. So therefore I found a song that I feel adequately shows this emotion. Ignore the video. The song is It's A Good Day by FFH This song is inspiring me to say- It really is a Good Day.
I will update you now with a few more tidbits of what is going on:
Last night I had another episode of severe chills and I have a fever that I still haven't shaken hopefully I will soon. The chills were horrible and have weakened me a lot but I am clinging to God and I find myself seeking him more and more the weaker I get. My PCP was off today and another lady came in and eased many of my fears. God will see me through no matter how dark the corner.
Please continue to pray for me and especially my family as we face this together.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Surgery
I have to have my port removed. I am quite upset about this but there is an infection growing around my port and they will be removing it sometime this week. Please continue to pray as I don't feel well and I am quite stressed out.
Support and Cards
Many of you have e-mailed me asking about an address to send a card or some encouragement. If you would like to do so, you can mail them to:
Lyme Walk
Attn: Victoria Wilcox
P.O. Box 74
Big Flats, NY
14814
Thank you.
Lyme Walk
Attn: Victoria Wilcox
P.O. Box 74
Big Flats, NY
14814
Thank you.
Update
Last night was another extremely rough night with shivering and shaking and moaning and groaning. I am really starting to feel extremely sick and sometimes it's difficult to be hopeful.
We're waiting on blood cultures and what they will hold- the results of them will weigh in on if my port will need to be removed and if my heart valve is in tact. They will tell us enough to let us know how sick I am. I can tell you I am not feeling so hot. It has been a really big struggle for me just to color or do anything really. I have been sleeping almost all day, day in and day out with no strength to prove for it. I don't understand this disease or why I feel so sick however it's really sucking everything out of me.
My faith has been faltering lately and I have started to cry out to God asking why he isn't using these great moments these moments of extreme weakness to just heal me. I know that the disease that lingers within me is that of which is given from the enemy. The devil. I refuse to give him credit for any strength I have for all the strength I have is from God.
There is a quote that states:
"Just think,
You're here not by chance, but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else-
You are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here at this time in history
to fulfill His special purpose for
THIS GENERATION"
This makes me wonder, what am I giving to this generation? Am I speaking the Lord's compassion and love everywhere I go? Even to my parents when I am extremely frustrated?
A Chris Tomlin song "I Will Rise" came on while I was writing this post and I started to listen to the lyrics and there was the verse that said:
I will rise when he calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
The lyrics of this song just make me remember how much I have to look forward to and how trivial everything else is.
All I can imagine is the day I am able to dance with Jesus and fall into his arms and have no more sorrow and no more pain. That day that I continuously long for will be ultimately better than any prom I can imagine, being held with complete agape love and just knowing an unchangeable love.
We're waiting on blood cultures and what they will hold- the results of them will weigh in on if my port will need to be removed and if my heart valve is in tact. They will tell us enough to let us know how sick I am. I can tell you I am not feeling so hot. It has been a really big struggle for me just to color or do anything really. I have been sleeping almost all day, day in and day out with no strength to prove for it. I don't understand this disease or why I feel so sick however it's really sucking everything out of me.
My faith has been faltering lately and I have started to cry out to God asking why he isn't using these great moments these moments of extreme weakness to just heal me. I know that the disease that lingers within me is that of which is given from the enemy. The devil. I refuse to give him credit for any strength I have for all the strength I have is from God.
There is a quote that states:
"Just think,
You're here not by chance, but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else-
You are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here at this time in history
to fulfill His special purpose for
THIS GENERATION"
This makes me wonder, what am I giving to this generation? Am I speaking the Lord's compassion and love everywhere I go? Even to my parents when I am extremely frustrated?
A Chris Tomlin song "I Will Rise" came on while I was writing this post and I started to listen to the lyrics and there was the verse that said:
I will rise when he calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
The lyrics of this song just make me remember how much I have to look forward to and how trivial everything else is.
All I can imagine is the day I am able to dance with Jesus and fall into his arms and have no more sorrow and no more pain. That day that I continuously long for will be ultimately better than any prom I can imagine, being held with complete agape love and just knowing an unchangeable love.
Friday, March 27, 2009
One single request
If you want to do something, if you wish you could take away the pain.
Please remember all of the things you can do- remember to thank God for your ability to walk and your ability to tie your shoes. For giving you strength to face each day because someday you might not be able to.
Please remember all of the things you can do- remember to thank God for your ability to walk and your ability to tie your shoes. For giving you strength to face each day because someday you might not be able to.
Prom.
Tomorrow is my senior prom and all of my friends are finding their way there.
Dresses all over and make-up and beauty are all at their door, or so it seems...
Once in awhile I would sit and think of the worst thing that could happen, never believing it to be true. Thinking of things like missing prom or even graduation to sit in the hospital instead.
Tonight is the night before my senior prom, I had a dress all picked out and everything seemed ready.
Now just days ago, things changed a little and look where this has landed me. here. stuck. cornered.
With tears streaming down my face I feel defeated once again. Defeated by a disease that shouldn't have such control but also by friends that I have held so tight.
I always thought if they were in my shoes I would do anything for them to make them feel better because I don't want them to feel how I do. Yet tonight I feel a little sad if any of them do show up because they have their lives too. Last year I made time to come to the hospital just before prom, not for me but for the nurses and the elderly ladies up on the floor I used to volunteer on. Not because it was convenient but because I had come a long way from having a catheter in me and an IV bag hanging and tubes everywhere. I wanted them to see the person I was not the person I am temporarily. I did it for them.
Sometimes I wish that life came with a little instruction booklet of how to feel. I wish I knew how to feel about my best friend who is too stressed. I want to support her yet I wish she knew how much 3 minutes mean to me. I want to be able to see things from her eyes yet I can't. Most of all I want to feel better so I could just go and be with her. Tears just pour from my eyes because I know no one will see both sides of the fence but I wish for a moment I could just get a glimpse of the feeling of being the pretty, smart, fun, healthy girl who landed prom queen and everything else. Tonight my heart most of all longs for just fitting into a healthy lifestyle no strings attached. What happened to those days?
Still in the hospital and filling a pitcher with tears,
Victoria
Dresses all over and make-up and beauty are all at their door, or so it seems...
Once in awhile I would sit and think of the worst thing that could happen, never believing it to be true. Thinking of things like missing prom or even graduation to sit in the hospital instead.
Tonight is the night before my senior prom, I had a dress all picked out and everything seemed ready.
Now just days ago, things changed a little and look where this has landed me. here. stuck. cornered.
With tears streaming down my face I feel defeated once again. Defeated by a disease that shouldn't have such control but also by friends that I have held so tight.
I always thought if they were in my shoes I would do anything for them to make them feel better because I don't want them to feel how I do. Yet tonight I feel a little sad if any of them do show up because they have their lives too. Last year I made time to come to the hospital just before prom, not for me but for the nurses and the elderly ladies up on the floor I used to volunteer on. Not because it was convenient but because I had come a long way from having a catheter in me and an IV bag hanging and tubes everywhere. I wanted them to see the person I was not the person I am temporarily. I did it for them.
Sometimes I wish that life came with a little instruction booklet of how to feel. I wish I knew how to feel about my best friend who is too stressed. I want to support her yet I wish she knew how much 3 minutes mean to me. I want to be able to see things from her eyes yet I can't. Most of all I want to feel better so I could just go and be with her. Tears just pour from my eyes because I know no one will see both sides of the fence but I wish for a moment I could just get a glimpse of the feeling of being the pretty, smart, fun, healthy girl who landed prom queen and everything else. Tonight my heart most of all longs for just fitting into a healthy lifestyle no strings attached. What happened to those days?
Still in the hospital and filling a pitcher with tears,
Victoria
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