Singly Blessed

My sister got married exactly 29 days ago...

So crazy to think about: my sister getting married! And upon my sister becoming a beautiful bride... It brought up question and conversation of where my knight in shining armor was...

At the wedding it became a frequent question... If there was a man in my life. And I could confidently say no, there is no one. However, the last few weeks I have thought more and more about this wedded bliss. With my sister married, and many of my friends getting engaged and some already married... I began thinking about my own marital status.

The past few days, I have spent time alone with God and really just thought about my life... And to be totally honest, I have never felt more blessed to be single. Though, it would be great to have a boyfriend or significant other, I have found great joy in being alone and being single. In this time, God has really worked on my heart and helped me become a better person. Not only that, I have also not had to think about the effect (or is it affect?) that my actions would have on others... I have been free sailing to spend as much time in devotions as I need... Or to stay up late or go to bed by 6pm!

This may sound a bit selfish... But honestly, if I wasn't single right now: I don't think that my time with God and the complete healing my heart has undergone in the past 4-5 months would have happened. It's incredible how God gets us all by ourselves and works in such crazy ways!

And now when people ask me, is there a man in your life? I can confidently say: nope! And it's totally okay! I have a peace that soon enough that chapter will come in my life: but why rush it? There is so much to be thankful for and excited for: today.

And I can vicariously live through my sisters joy and excitement with my new brother-in-law. :)

What does it mean to give our lives totally to God?

There is something exciting and mysterious about going into a life of full time missions. Going away to a third world country: investing into the lives of kids with faces covered in dirt. Leading a traveling VBS to kids that will never know what it is like to go to a pizza hut or to even be able to go to a store with a/c, let alone have a house that has a/c.

Sounds really worthwhile right? Sounds like a person who has given their life to a good cause. A life of mystery and adventure to those of us who have grown up in lives of comfort.

I feel like when you're a missionary, people automatically are amazed. They talk to them as though their calling is holier than anything that God could call them to. It's like woah. I think there is some sort of adreneline rush to having that type of ministry. Although, I have read stories and seen that the people in the field, find their lives much like the lives they lived before. Just with different struggles and obstacles.

There is nothing holier about the fights the married missionaries have behind closed doors about investments, or daily living... Than those that the people here in the U.S. have... We put our brothers and sisters in Christ on these special platforms and we live in this world that they have something better and a "better" connection with God.

Then there are people like Shane Claiborne, who live radical lives. I thought to myself: woah, what if I lived like that! Giving everything I earn to organizations, and to a communal living project. Tossing everything in, for the "better" of those around me. His life is intriguing. His conversations, and what he stands for provokes thought and convicts people for their commercialist lifestyle.

But still, if everyone lived like he did... Would we really have people to sow into them? Would we be able to go to the hospital, would there be Christians in the workforce to go to? I doubt it.

I guess I wonder, if selling my life for God and living totally for Him... Is in what I am doing right now. I sometimes actually, a lot feel like college is a waste. Or just a stagnent place that I am in. Or that this isn't exciting. I want something that's innvegorating and an adventure. I want my life to feel like I am white-water rafting for God.

I want to feel like I am going through the rapids for Jesus, and I want to bring God the most glory I can. But is it really selling everything and living without for the sake of Jesus. Or is that idea even something that has been Westrenized? I don't really know the answers... But I guess I have thought about it: and in the end, I still wonder.

My heart aches

Lately, my heart has a heavy burden... It aches and it aches for the condition of our culture. I read quotes to encourage us on our Christian walks... Quotes like: God is real and we need to be real about what he is doing in our lives. And when the world says no way we say Yahweh.

Yet, I stand in a check-out line and have an older man behind me look at the cover of cosmopolitan and then say a sexual statement to me as plain as day.

I hear jokes about the poverty and how ridiculous people are or how they all work the system. I see calloused hearts for people, and an apathetic state. My heart is so broken and I wonder to myself: how can I avoid from getting that way?

I work in an environment where I see death readily, I see people who aren't ready for what they're facing all the time. I see situations where I think to myself: I could do that better. But I think about it, and I wonder, do people look at me and say: I could do what she is doing better? Probably... I strive to be different, my heart breaks for these situations every single day. But when push comes to shove: what am I really doing to change what is breaking my heart?

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

What is important?

If you have followed this blog since it's birth in 2007. Wow. That's right! I have been blogging for four years now. That's just crazy.

Anyways, you will know a bit of my story. You will know that I had some years that were fallen into a black hole called Lyme disease. And you also may remember nights without answers and days of ICU, and unanswered prayer.

Well, a few weeks ago I got caught up in trying to think about how important school is. I get the importance of school, don't get me wrong: I have worshipped the school gods and even found my time of excessive reading of textbooks to be quite interesting...

However, is there a fine line between being SO worldly minded that you are no heavenly good? I know I have heard the quote that you can be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good. But what happens when we put this pursuit of good grades into the forefront: when we pursue it with all we have because we believe it's what God would have us do?

I guess to me, I have found my studying to be important, but I also find my friends to be more important. Yes, there are healthy boundaries... But is it better to have lost all friendships while you were in pursuit of your degree and then pick them all back up again? (when let's face it, you're going to be burnt out and picking up the pieces of a chaotic last 2-4 years.) Or is it better to schedule a little time to catch up and take a breather. I don't know. I have been thinking about this a lot lately though.

I constantly wonder where my priorities lie and what makes them sit where they do... I do agree we are a product in some senses, of our past... But eventually we have to make choices for our futures and decide what's best to invest in.

Lately I have been thinking...

Sometimes I don't think it's a good idea to think because it lands me into a world of trouble. I have wondered why we are such relational beings... There is a quote that says: "Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all."

Now, interestingly, I don't believe the guy who stated this meant in all scenarios this is truly the case. There are some sincerely unhealthy cases of love, where I question: was it better to have loved than to never have loved at all? I look at the bulldozer sized destruction those situations have caused in my life and I wonder: was it better?

For me, I would have to say no. I would have been better off with no love at all. My heart must be cold and calloused for I would go to the extreme and say I would rather have never opened my heart to it at all. Hm.

So my question today is: is it better to love, and lose or to be picky... And skeptical and maybe not love often, or nearly as much...

“I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics.
Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren’t pretty, or smart, or young.
They’re still princesses. All of us. Didn’t your father ever tell you that? Didn’t he? “

Sara Crewe, A Little Princess (1995)

This song is great! Ahhh makes me want to fall in love <3. :) I love JJ Heller's voice regardless. So great.