Friday, October 23, 2009

Falling in love all over again

The last week I have been having a really hard time surrendering to God...
So frequently I have wanted to hold my health tight in my hands gripping the last things of which I feel I can control. However slowly I am beginning to realize it's only by God's grace I am here and it's by his will I will finish college.

Today especially I have found myself praying and spending time with God and just thinking about how awesome he is. I realized all of a sudden that when I have began to rely on my own strength and take things into my own will I slowly have become weaker and become confused more easily. I was telling some friends how much I missed my time with God the time to bond with him and understand and I guess, the only way I can define the last few days is falling in love all over again.

As I laid in bed tonight I was listening to the song You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews and I realized that no matter how alone I feel on this campus... Or how abandoned I feel by people one constant continues to remain and that's God... I have found myself staring out the window at the changing of the seasons and the trees and just in constant awe of the things God does.

Even when all hope seems lost there is a sweeter thing to believe in and tonight I am finding that's where my comfort is. Just spending time with Jesus!

Saturday, October 17, 2009


So as I have gotten to know new people, as old friends have been asking lots of questions and as my life has continued to move on... I think it's time for an open mic again so to speak... Or a Question and Answer Period. Are there any questions that you have or are wondering that you haven't asked me? I am going to leave this up a few days and then I will answer all of your questions as soon as I get a chance! Thanks!

A jumbled mess.

Lately things have been somewhat jumbled and a lot of imperfect. If I could just ask, for a little prayer that'd be awesome....

I have tried really hard tonight to formulate, thoughts or words but nothing seems to fit right now.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


I have been reading a book entitled The Irresistible Revolution By: Shane Claiborne and it has really begun to stretch me. I have found myself reading in awe at how comfortable I am, in such an uncomfortable and unsettled world. I have found myself wondering how I can be so blind and when I am going to get a clue. A quote that stood out was:

"Rich stood up in chapel and said, "You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too... [and he paused in the awkward silence.] But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and forget the rest."

I don't believe we each have to give up everything to be followers of Christ, however I believe we cannot accept living life as everyone else lives. College has opened my eyes to this new form of living and bonding within a community. Being close to one another spending time in each other's space and understanding who we are. I have noticed it takes a great amount of humility to be in this communal living. We live in this world of which everyone must stand on their own two feet. They cannot be seen as one but as individuals, we don't take the time to look beyond the surface of who we are but we only take time to break each other down. I am noticing how easy it is to take on the ways of this world how to quickly accept the cultural norm, even if you do not agree with it. To me this is scary, scary to see how easy it is to fall into a default and not even notice.

I believe the only way to become change is by highlighting the whole bible, treating all of the words with equal importance. Loving one another and not looking back- for this is the only way that true change can come about by noticing fault and rising above it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Today in chapel here at school I was standing singing, worship songs and I began to listen to my words that I was singing... Listening to the words we were singing in praise and I was taken back by the words... We were singing about Jesus' crucifixion and it really convicted me personally.

In Luke 9:23 and 25 it states:

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

I guess personally, as I began to think of Christ and the life he lived day in and day out it challenged me a bit. Taking up my personal cross to follow him- it brings a whole new meaning when I envision Christ and the life he lived I feel so small so insignificant and so loved. Such contrasting words but so true. I believe that as I begin to understand the bible more I also find myself digging deeper into my faith wondering what the world is all about and if this, this life I am living is really God expected the church, and his people to be.

I then read further below verse twenty-three and verse twenty five stuck out at me. What good can I see from gaining this world but losing my soul, my being and who I was meant to be. I have spent a lot of time in reflection over this and wondering how I can serve more and how to understand and be an obedient servant of Him.

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Dream.

Over the past few weeks I have been rather silent about big event going on in my life. In many aspects it seemed surreal or just too good to be true. So now, I feel comfortable sharing this big event! Below are the journal entries I have written for a class:

With such a broad topic and no writing prompt- what is one to write about? Perhaps the topic that has hit my mind the most lately is one of which is also the most unique. Upon the second day of me living here on Roberts campus I received a phone call from a woman that was with an organization named The Dream Factory. After a few moments of explanation I found out that after reviewing paperwork that had been submitted on my behalf I had been accepted to receive a “dream”. This dream could be anything I wanted it to be from traveling somewhere to meeting someone famous. It sincerely could be anything that I would like and the vague understanding left me speechless. I couldn’t comprehend what this woman was saying and in the same instance I was overwhelmed to think that I was eligible for something like this. In some senses I was overwhelmed because all of the other children I had ever read of or met that got a “wish” or a “dream” ended up passing away or had something that made them gravely ill. In some ways I was in denial or reluctant to believe over the years that I was even sick let alone sick to the point I had almost died. However this “dream” or this really awesome amazing thing was all of a sudden the smack in the face that made me realize that I had been one of those gravely ill kids but I found my strength through God, friends and family and I always found ways to rise above everything handed to me. It was easier for me to smile than it was for me to cry or complain and soon my friends knew the hospital of my second home but didn’t find pity on me but saw me as their friend as a normal kid in an abnormal circumstance. I guess to me it was ordinary because it had to be and that’s how I dealt with ICU, hospital transfers, forgetting months at a time, and being in a coma. It was how I had to deal with it because there didn’t seem to be another option. Now I find it difficult to find a wish that is about me and sincerely a wish or dream of my own heart. I look to things like traveling, or meeting someone and it seemed as this was such a selfish task. I wanted to affect and encourage other people have an impact. I have narrowed this said wish, down to three things: traveling to Europe for winter break, having a novel published, or meeting the Estess sisters. The first one seems pretty typical of the wish realm traveling somewhere to see something or do something special. However the other two are a little different, my novel would be reflected from my blog and my journals and be put together from all of the writing I have done through my sickness and the ups and downs of being sick with a chronic illness that no one seems to understand or comprehend. The Estess sisters co-authored my favorite book Tales from the Bed, a lesson on living and dying. It was the first book I really read after I got sick and it hit me in a profound way encouraging me to take hold of the disease I had been handed and only finding the best of all that was given to me. Of course there were bad days but there were so many things of which I could find to be truly thankful. It was during that book I found the inspiration to start A hope 4 Lyme a non-profit organization that was founded back home due to the hard work and determination of a close knit and committed small town that I am so blessed to be a part of. I often look back to that book when I need a modern day realization of how anyone can overcome anything even if in the world’s standards the battle could be seen as lost.

I believe that my Sunday afternoon could be easily summed up by a quote from the imagineer himself, Walt Disney when he states: “All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them”. Although I didn’t pursue them myself; upon really beginning to think and rationalize over what my deepest desire might be it was quite evident that I wanted to publish a book. Through the course of our meeting the two women from the dream factory and I began to look over my dream and soon I learned that they were taking on this challenge to meet my request. To fulfill this said dream and in some ways I feel I must remain realistic in the fact it might not happen and it may become too difficult due to the time limit before my 18th birthday may become a factor. However this truly has been an awesome experience up to this point and continues to be not only unique but exciting and exhilarating as well. In many ways I find myself feeling selfish upon making this dream request but in many ways I am starting to understand that this is balancing out all of the bad memories and unfortunate experiences I have had in the past. This awesome experience is their way of making the weeks and months spent in the hospital hooked up to monitors and tubes seem almost in a balance of ways. That is how they explained it to me anyways and it makes sense somewhere in my mind. After the two women left campus on Sunday afternoon I found that my emotions were extremely tangible almost with excitement as one might see a small child on Christmas morning. I just felt the whole situation was surreal and so awesome it had me in awe. I could hardly believe that this was real and that out of even all the bad not something just a little good happened, but something amazing happened. I guess that sometimes the person that continues to wait for good or seek good somewhere along the lines, receives good. It has been a long journey four years to be exact. However through that I have seen myself grow and prosper spiritually and emotionally in ways that I could have never done before. I have found a new meaning to life and the things that surround me and for this I can only see blessing in what I have faced. Although many weeks and months have been painful, tearful, and ruthless I have found that through faith and the love and compassion of close family and friends nothing is without grasp and after my meeting with two warm-hearted courageous women I can almost say I can include them in my team that helped me see a future and a moment of feeling healthy.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Fresh cut flowers melt my heart

My mom bought me a "fall bouquet" when she came to visit this past weekend. Getting them from my mom and being able to spend some time together with her as well as having a little color added to the drab room was extremely exciting. She makes me feel special and melts my heart. Thank goodness for God's love of vibrant color.

Just as I am off to class...

This morning I am falling into the pace of being a college student- not too severely if I still have a moment to blog but I found myself thinking of this little girl today. Kate. I ask that you pray for her as she goes through the harsh treatments of chemotherapy. I also saw a photo series done that you can view here something about this story and this photo series encouraged me, reminded me why I am in school to be a nurse. To help people to love on others and to make the rough battles a little smoother. Not because I can take away disease but because I can be a reflection of hope to those who need it most.