Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A Miracle

A few days ago, I heard my life referred to in a way I guess I am not used to hearing it referred to as. Or something I unconsciously hear and take no acknowledgement to.

It's a miracle. In the last few days, I have heard that phrase quite a bit. I am in some ways intimidated by the words however, people who barely know me have jokingly, or seriously referred to my life as a miracle.

It's a miracle, you're walking, after spending so much time in a wheelchair, it's a miracle you're here at college. People who know nothing of my story- giving glory to God. It's an incredible thing however, as a guy who spoke at chapel stated: the reason you're alive right now: is because God wants you to be BORN. He wants YOU to be alive and he has a purpose for your life. Whatever it may be, if you're not meant to die- you can fall out of a building and bounce off the ground if he wants you to live. Now I am not saying that you should go jumping out of a building waiting to see if God will catch you. However, the last few days have opened my eyes even greater to God's blessing and God's love to his children.

He really will provide for you, if it is a spiritual need a person will come and fill that very essence of your life. He will fill you up, he will provide, he will love you, he will romance your heart. All you have to do- is wait for it, and wait faithfully on the Lord. For me this is an incredible concept and I just want to say, no matter what your story is, it's a miracle you're alive today.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Remember when I said I had a photographer take my photos for the book?

Well, Megan Dailor, the photographer that took photos, also wrote about me on her blog!

She has incredible talent and if you're in the Rochester area, I would definitely encourage you to book her for your next photography need.

To see the post she wrote about me you can visit her blog here.

Have a lovely afternoon!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Transition to Spring with 101 Things

The transition to spring hasn't been difficult for just me alone, with the time change and the forever feeling of exhaustion as a college student. I am finding it hard to find the perks and the excitement in everyday living. However, with Yahoo's help a new article caught my eye...

In the midst of signing bills and letters of approval, or disapproval that have swept the web, that can quite honestly make my own stomach turn. I found this article. An article to spark a bit of optimism in all of us. Everything from coloring to ordering pizza in, is on this list. I think it's a good hint of finding the perks in every day life. Finding a piece of optimism.

Lately, it seems like a tall order to follow. However, we are always in control of one thing, how we react. I am still trying to perfect that...

God's will vs. My own

This morning I find myself struggling with issues that feel larger than me. I am so incredibly confused about what I am supposed to do, versus what I want to do. I feel as though I certainly don't know anything at the moment.

After spending an awesome weekend away with just God and I... I came back to campus feeling refreshed and energized. However, now a lump hits my throat. In a few short days it will be time to register for classes...

Which seems like something exciting and something we're all ready to do- however, something else has come to the playing field. Currently, I am in a 4 year program for nursing, and getting my RN. However, as I prayed about things, I felt an urgency rise up within me and the feeling to get things done in a three year period. I can't explain the feeling I got, however, there it was. After meeting with my advisor, the possibility of that on this campus is virtually impossible. Even if I was super woman, which I care to say, I am not. It wouldn't be possible.

However, at the 2 year school back home, I would be able to get my RN in the next 2 years- graduating next year. It all is so hard to understand and explain. However, upon starting to really think of transfer. My heart breaks, tears stream down my face... It makes me question: Is this really of God? If so, why does my heart feel so broken? Why would I feel so uncomfortable?

Then the next thing rises within me: Is this my uncomfortable calling where I am to rise and meet the Lord?

I desperately need prayer.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Walking by Faith

The theme of this week seems to be walking by faith. Taking things to the Lord and surrendering them at his feet. It has been a huge week of growth and experiencing God's love and compassion. However, it has brought questions to surface within me- everything from are my desires meeting God's will? To what I should do in the existing relationships I have right now. I am finding that the more I pray and really deeply search within my soul, I am also finding a peace beyond my understanding. I am so excited to grow with God and experience this new love... The new questions are, staying at my current school, or exploring the option of a two year degree... The financial burden of the four year school is intimidating however, if this is the Lord's will he will certainly provide right? It's interesting how things unfold, and in our world set mind we find our anxieties rising. However, the anxiety we face is not of the Lord, so should we let it captivate our minds more than the grace and glory the Lord fills us with. Through his beauty in the sunrise and warm spring-like weather?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Caught into a life of living in motion.

I first saw this site here. And it made me think about a lot of things.

How trapped we are as a society and what makes us fall into the habits that we do and why we do the things we do. It made me analyze my own desires and if I was sincerely being full of my own joy, who else was being affected by the desires of my heart. It's a complex thought process that I have gone through... The results leave me a little disheartened.

It seems as though relationships and companionship frequent my mind and every now and again, marriage. I read this story of a woman who was writing to her future husband, whoever it may be about buying her wedding ring and how she wanted him to buy it from this organization. Now what a novel idea, the purpose from the sales of these rings is that they end up paying for clean drinking water to villagers in Africa. You can purchase a ring through their 12 rings of Christmas campaign. Along with other campaigns throughout the year.

It made me analyzed my heart... Now, I don't think I could give up my engagement ring that my husband hadn't even gave me yet and instead just donate money- however, their concept and passion behind this cause opened my eyes a little. I started looking at why rings are so important with marriage. What makes this concept so weighted. Recently I have been challenged a bit with the concept of "kissing dating goodbye" or going directly to engagement before a courtship period of any sort. To the worlds standards and customs this again, is a taboo thing something that is not of the norm. However, it has caused me to analyze in my own life, what dating really brings- what it enhances within a relationship and if anything would change from our friendship to otherwise.

I guess, all this brings me to say: I feel as though we fall into cultural norms. Things that seem "correct" and we accept them as our own desires as well. It makes me want to challenge myself and look into why I believe the things I do. For now, when the time comes, I would love for nothing more than to have my future husband, whoever he may be, and if he even exists, share the passion of helping others from the base of our relationship and look into purchasing my ring from With This Ring.

However, now in this time. What is it that I am doing that is pushing me to go through the motions? What part of me is falling into the cultural norm and slowly pushing away other relationships or even pushing me to make decisions that are not of God but purly of my own personal desires? It makes me wonder. If we're falling in love with material, what should be taking those places in our hearts? As it says in Romans, Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2) and in Philippians chapter 4 verse 6 it goes on to say do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord.

So right now, weather it would be easier to graduate a year early, or transfer out. Or if it would be the desire of your heart to understand a relationship more fully. Present these things to the Lord. Let him be the center, and allow his love and mercy to overflow those areas. This is my challenge to you, today. "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. " Ephesians 4:22-24

These options may not be black and white, but they are there if we sincerely seek them.

Monday, March 15, 2010


We all have one, or are part of a story. Live.

Our deepest fears holding us back from our greatest joys.

Something interesting has surfaced into my life as of late, I have noticed that within my life and in society my deepest fear is rejection. The rejection of those around me and the loss of community. I have also found that this fear is common in women and young girls no matter what their age. Our hearts long to be desired to be passionately loved and pursued. Not only by physical friendships and love, but also from our maker.

We desire to have an identity beyond our own understanding and we desire even more than that, something we can hold onto. However, when people get close to us we fear they will get so close they will reject us. Every day we wait, on a timetable, to be rejected. Just when they know enough of us they will no longer love us, no longer care, or lose interest. Knowing each other enough. We will no longer be beautiful in their eyes, they will no longer care for us and they won't want to fight for us any longer. We will sin one sin too many, we will say one too many bitter words... Then we will face the ultimate rejection and betrayal.

These deep wounds within our hearts are ultimately holding us into a tight grip and suffocating us from experiencing the great glory and joy that we have been promised. Each day that we cannot receive true love from God and those around us, it takes a little bit away from us. It captures our ability to love others and soon we cannot bless those around us because we are so lost within our own pain and agony... We may not realize that the hurt lies so deep as we manifest the lies we tell ourselves as truth and what we believe. We say we believe that we really have gained too much weight, so- and so really doesn't care any more... The list goes on, we fill our hearts with lies and we lose the truth the love, the glory that has been instilled within us.

As the old adage goes- God doesn't make junk- we just fill our hearts with junk. We must surrender we must defenselessly hand over the things that are not of him. Be purified and re-newed.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sitting on the Sidelines

Today I found myself at the bedside of a patient on comfort care, preparing to pass on any day now. The daughter told me about the peace her mother found in knowing she soon would be with her late husband.

It was interesting to me, and death is such a complex matter that it makes us uncomfortable in so many ways. I think as I look at this woman who has lived many years beyond me that she has lived a long life. Over 31,755 days to be exact. However, in retrospect I feel like the more I work with the patients on my floor and such, the more I realize that life is so incredibly short.

This post was a draft I found I had written on June 22nd. I never published it... It just sat in the mystery of the unknown. Waiting to be re-discovered. Well, here I am months later, I don't remember this patient too well... But I do know that it's a nice reminder that life is short.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A graduation more meaningful than high school graduation?

Yesterday I went to my specialist and the appointment had a greater impact than the day I went across the graduation stage for high school graduation. You might think that is a little dramatic, however, I graduated from treatment yesterday!

It was an incredible thing and I am so amazed by the fact that right now all I am taking is seizure medicine and some vitamins. God is good and to Him be the glory!

My next appointment is in 6 months vs. the regular 3 months. I just felt that was worthy of some praise!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Healing the brokenhearted binding up the open wounds

Through the last few weeks a residual seems to lie underneath the conversations that I have, the thoughts I possess. There is a secret underlying pain that is unmentioned and confusing beyond measure. Something I just cannot begin to explain.

After reading the book Waking the Dead by: John Eldredge it made me re-examine my life and come face to face with my heart and what it would mean to be totally restored in the Lord. It is incredible when you think of how you can love deeper and more real if you find that purification of your own heart.

"The tabernacle itself was a picture of something... amazing. It is a kind of mythic symbol, given to us to help us understand a deeper eternal reality. Each person knows that now his body is the temple of God: 'Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?' (1 Cor. 6:19). Indeed it is. 'Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?' (1 Cor. 3:16). Okay -- each of us is now the temple of God. So where, then, is the Holy of Holies?"
"Your heart."
"That's right -- your heart. Paul teaches in Ephesians that 'Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith' (3:17). God comes down to dwell in us, in our hearts. Now, we know this: God cannot dwell where there is evil. 'You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell' (Ps. 5:4). Something pretty dramatic must have happened in our hearts, then, to make them fit to be the dwelling place of God."
"Of course, none of this can happen for us until we give our lives back to God. We cannot know the joy or the life or the freedom of heart I've described until we surrender our lives to Jesus and surrender them totally... We turn, and give ourselves body, soul, and spirit back to God, asking him to cleanse our hearts and make them new. And he does. He gives us a new heart. And he comes to dwell there, in our hearts."
-- John Eldredge in "Waking the Dead"

What rang truest to me was that our hearts are good. We are good, and God intended us to do good and be wonderfully made in his image. God doesn't make junk and the world junks us up... I am simply amazed by how many lies can fill my life and the lives of so many others when we look into how our self image is brought down so low, how deeply painful it is to hear you're beautiful and that you matter.

It makes me reflect in the matter that we are good, and what lies have we bought into? I ask you tonight to reflect in your own being- what lies are in your heart? What are you believing? Do you sincerely believe your heart is good? I know that I haven't for a long time and it's a painful journey to find good. Then it leads me to ask even further, if we're not believing with our purified hearts and knowing we are good, how can we love fully? How can we love perfect love when we cannot see we are good? God wants to get in and minister to the needs of our hearts. The brokenness of our hearts- we just need to let him. Allow him in to heal, help us restore our love to fulfill his good and perfect will. It's incredible.