New Year- Focus

Last year at this time, I was coming up with a word for one year to try to focus into my life. Something that I could dedicate. That post can be seen here.

As I reflect on this last year- it seems like so much can happen. So much can seem to change and within an instant things that are certain seem to come crashing down. I can hardly believe that in the last 12 months I have found myself in so many firsts. God has really moved me and changed me for what I believe is the better. I have found over the past few days that I need to wait upon the Lord more and find my glory within him alone. One thing I have noticed is my lack of praise, my lack of reminding God how much I love him. How much I need him, and of his place within my life.

Things have been weighing heavy on my heart. I have really thought about my word of the year this year and how I would like to define, or RE-define my life this year, and I believe I have come to it. I would like to focus. Focus on what is important, on relationship, on love, on God. Finding my true passion from him, and only from him alone.

Surrendering every single day to God and having an even more centered life focused on HIM. I ask that you continue to pray for me as I am making vital decisions about my life and what God will have for me and about when I should just go, and when I need to lay back. I have been really struggling regarding those things.

Sum up my story in a few words

Alright folks, I need your help!!

I am looking for a title for the book I am currently writing and if you could, what two-three words would you use to sum up my story as you know it?

Leave ideas in the comments! Thanks

Moving

The past few months have been overwhelming and intense all at once. College is a lot more than I expected from what I experienced at the beginning of the semester to now. The stressors have changed so many times and my connection with God and those around me is tighter than I would ever imagine.

I could apologize for the lack of my updates however my ever growing silence can be presumed as things were going so quickly that I could not find the time to post. The past few weeks especially God has been working in my heart and showing me what breaks his heart most. It has been an emotional past few weeks and I have found myself feeling raw at the feet of my savior. One could say this is the worst timing for something like this and as I walked around campus bawling my eyes out- I might agree. However, as I looked at those around me and the pain that was inside them I felt there is no good time to experience a pain that is so great for the people around me.

I find it un-canny that I can be so comfortable in a world filled with discomfort and I cannot continue to settle for the motions of the day. I am at a loss for words to describe what I have been feeling but it has been life changing to say the least. God is moving on our campus and preparing hearts of service and love. I continue to cling to the hope that he has placed within my heart and I am looking forward to serving the Lord.

I find that I feel so discontent sitting on campus doing what seems to be nothing in the grand scheme of things however I believe there is a purpose to this. I look to my Christmas last year and the things I looked forward to and was excited for and many of those have changed. I just can't find myself giving materials and my stack of gifts this year consists of just a few gifts- I find myself looking around the world to people suffering from AIDS and the pain of my friends and even people so close to home that are suffering with their loneliness and people here in the states homeless with no where to go. I find myself looking to them and feeling so helpless. I can't continue to walk this earth in my comfort while so many others are so uncomfortable.

This hit me smack dab in the face when I went to pray with the Nist family for their son who passed away from Swine flu. We prayed for a miracle and I believe the true miracle that was received was a spiritual one. The movement that was there was so high and the spiritual encounter so great... I cannot imagine losing a son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend so young... However I am able to worship a God who sent his son to die a brutal death. After that day in prayer I don't know if I am able to comfortably say I can just worship God...

This holiday season has been intense for me to say the least, I am ready for God's plans for me. I am ready to focus on his will above all else.

A kid on our campus is starting Seven Days of Prayer there is a group on facebook but basically it's taking the time we usually are on social networking groups like facebook, myspace, twitter... And taking that time to pray. The event starts Christmas day and will continue until January 1st. The vision is stating that we will be united spiritually... The goal was to get 500 together to do this in less than a week over 1,000 people have joined to pray. I believe that God can use this to really rock our nation- the question is as a nation are we ready to commit not only a week, but a lifetime of prayer and commitment to the Lord?

Falling in love all over again

The last week I have been having a really hard time surrendering to God...
So frequently I have wanted to hold my health tight in my hands gripping the last things of which I feel I can control. However slowly I am beginning to realize it's only by God's grace I am here and it's by his will I will finish college.

Today especially I have found myself praying and spending time with God and just thinking about how awesome he is. I realized all of a sudden that when I have began to rely on my own strength and take things into my own will I slowly have become weaker and become confused more easily. I was telling some friends how much I missed my time with God the time to bond with him and understand and I guess, the only way I can define the last few days is falling in love all over again.

As I laid in bed tonight I was listening to the song You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews and I realized that no matter how alone I feel on this campus... Or how abandoned I feel by people one constant continues to remain and that's God... I have found myself staring out the window at the changing of the seasons and the trees and just in constant awe of the things God does.

Even when all hope seems lost there is a sweeter thing to believe in and tonight I am finding that's where my comfort is. Just spending time with Jesus!

Q&A

So as I have gotten to know new people, as old friends have been asking lots of questions and as my life has continued to move on... I think it's time for an open mic again so to speak... Or a Question and Answer Period. Are there any questions that you have or are wondering that you haven't asked me? I am going to leave this up a few days and then I will answer all of your questions as soon as I get a chance! Thanks!

A jumbled mess.

Lately things have been somewhat jumbled and a lot of imperfect. If I could just ask, for a little prayer that'd be awesome....

I have tried really hard tonight to formulate, thoughts or words but nothing seems to fit right now.

Stretch

I have been reading a book entitled The Irresistible Revolution By: Shane Claiborne and it has really begun to stretch me. I have found myself reading in awe at how comfortable I am, in such an uncomfortable and unsettled world. I have found myself wondering how I can be so blind and when I am going to get a clue. A quote that stood out was:

"Rich stood up in chapel and said, "You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too... [and he paused in the awkward silence.] But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and forget the rest."

I don't believe we each have to give up everything to be followers of Christ, however I believe we cannot accept living life as everyone else lives. College has opened my eyes to this new form of living and bonding within a community. Being close to one another spending time in each other's space and understanding who we are. I have noticed it takes a great amount of humility to be in this communal living. We live in this world of which everyone must stand on their own two feet. They cannot be seen as one but as individuals, we don't take the time to look beyond the surface of who we are but we only take time to break each other down. I am noticing how easy it is to take on the ways of this world how to quickly accept the cultural norm, even if you do not agree with it. To me this is scary, scary to see how easy it is to fall into a default and not even notice.

I believe the only way to become change is by highlighting the whole bible, treating all of the words with equal importance. Loving one another and not looking back- for this is the only way that true change can come about by noticing fault and rising above it.

Worship

Today in chapel here at school I was standing singing, worship songs and I began to listen to my words that I was singing... Listening to the words we were singing in praise and I was taken back by the words... We were singing about Jesus' crucifixion and it really convicted me personally.

In Luke 9:23 and 25 it states:


23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.


25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

I guess personally, as I began to think of Christ and the life he lived day in and day out it challenged me a bit. Taking up my personal cross to follow him- it brings a whole new meaning when I envision Christ and the life he lived I feel so small so insignificant and so loved. Such contrasting words but so true. I believe that as I begin to understand the bible more I also find myself digging deeper into my faith wondering what the world is all about and if this, this life I am living is really God expected the church, and his people to be.

I then read further below verse twenty-three and verse twenty five stuck out at me. What good can I see from gaining this world but losing my soul, my being and who I was meant to be. I have spent a lot of time in reflection over this and wondering how I can serve more and how to understand and be an obedient servant of Him.