Monday, August 30, 2010

God is my first love.... Right?

So I have spent time reflecting over the past few days... As I enter school it has been an interesting transition to say the least. I have found that there are so many threats to my delicate love and life that I am living for Christ.

I took a few moments to read over past journal entries and private thoughts of my own that I have had over the past year. One year ago, today, I was entering classrooms for the first time and learning a new way of life beyond my own comprehension. I was the first child in my immediate family to go away to college so soon after High School... I was diving into deep water that was most certainly above my head and beyond what I could imagine- yet I was treading fast and hoping and praying that I would swim. Over the past year I have battled greatly with so many things and I have really tried to seek God more- however, I still did whatever I wanted.

I hid behind quoting the right scripture at the right time and even more-so- I found myself using quotes that I agreed with, but wasn't living out. I was all for a genuine life but I was hiding behind a big velvet curtain. And I was letting my life get filled with things that weren't leaving adequate quiet time for God. I was in the world's sense, "cheating" on God. I would give Him my time when I was ready and I dealt with many major issues in my life. However, I still let man take a place in my heart that was only designed for God...

I don't think anyone could have told me what I was doing was ever so wrong because even though it was- society still accepted me and it seemed like it could be "right". I always thought about God's love as a bunch of things compiled together and I sang songs, and still do sing songs about how "He is jealous for me". but, in essence, I have to challenge myself and wonder how much I believe that and how seriously I take it... God took the time to create me as a person and He takes such great interest in my life... However, I have taken advantage of His love. And I will be the first to admit it... We talk about grace in church and how it's like an ocean and all of this wonderful stuff. Yet, I have trouble finding time to pray, do devotions, or even be silent before my creator.

Last year I was "in touch" with God but it is summed up best with a quote that I found at the beginning of the summer: "Natural gifts such as personal charisma, mental brightness, emotional strength, and organizational ability can impress and motivate people for a long time. Sometimes they can be mistaken for spiritual vitality and depth. Sadly, we do not have a Christian culture today that easily discriminates between a person of spiritual depth and a person of raw talent." I was a person that was using my natural gifts more than relying on my faith in Christ or looking to Christ for guidance... I was putting my desires forthright most of the time and it's scary when I wasn't called out... It was an easy lifestyle to live in other than the fact that I was an absolute mess most of the time. I had my blinders pulled up over my eyes and I was greatly confused.

However, as I reflect, I also realize that truth is so vital to our lives and when we uncover the situations of our past with truth we are able to slowly see God again... I fear that so often I put my God in a box. When really he is larger than the expanse around me and He is absolutely jealous for me... Jealous for my silence and waiting for me to listen. So as I have learned... I have also realized God does impossible things through ordinary people being willing and ready to listen to Him and receive His love. This summer I have learned how to do that more and in closing, Here I am Lord... Send me.... I am waiting

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

... I am yours what does that make me?, Aimless wandering or so it seems, Here I am send me.

The summer is coming to a close and the title of this post is the thoughts that run through my mind as I drive to work and home from work on a daily basis... That's right I am driving now!

Things have changed a little bit from the beginning of the summer and I can only find myself labeling this summer as a summer of growth... As I continue to seek God in my life I also find myself seeking His will and passion and just praising Him for all that has gone so well.

I went from wheelchair bound to running and working on my feet all day. I am finding my stressors to be those of a little more complexity than some of the ones in my past. Now, not framed by the medical world but those framed with the emotional, and spiritual battles of every day life. My body is still adjusting to the expectations I hold from my mind and slowly things are falling together.

I have learned a lot from my summer job and I don't just mean the basics to the job, holding an expertise in phlebotomy, sticking people for blood sugars, doing blood pressures, and other various tasks of my job such as the impending doom of the morgue and the excitement of a colostomy bag.

Yes, I have learned skills, and I have acquired a lot of ease in high stress situations... But I have also learned a thing or two from my patients about Faith, Love, and Happiness. I have been able to see families mend together over the bed of a dying family member, and I have seen them rip at the seems... I have had to walk into rooms where the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife and on the other end of the spectrum there are those who sit in absolute joy over their new-found life. I have learned from the mistakes of those I encounter, and I try my hardest to be a listening ear... With a world with marriages in the grips of absolute destruction, I have seen people who have been married 68-70 years and who are still happily married!

I have acquired a fear that my values for marriage may be lofty and silly by some but after observing so many happy marriages, it doesn't seem so impossible after-all.

This summer, I continue to chip away at my bucket list through getting my license... And I have learned how to practice grace and patience through my ministry outreach in our hometown at the youth group. I have found true joy from my running and found that much like being a Christian takes patience and endurance to focus on the preparation just as much as the final product.. Running is the same way. I have found God in interesting places like at the bedside of a combative patient to the voice of an out of key singer.

I have found that it's not about God's lack of presence, but more our lack of vision to God.

At the end of this summer, I am looking to say to the Lord, Here I am, send me! I have grown in confidence, and passion for the Lord... But I have also learned that no matter how bad it gets here I still have eternity.

I know this has kind of been a hodgepodge post but I wanted to post something, as I pack up my things into the car and prepare for yet another journey... As I enter my first year on a team (Cross Country, and another thing to check off my bucket list). Starting the 22nd, I will be joining them at school to go to camp and experience the team bonding and building. I cannot wait! Yet, I am a bit apprehensive of what it has to hold! Prayers are welcome, and I hope to update more as I have internet regularly once again!

Monday, August 2, 2010

"Lyme Away"

On Wednesday I will be cutting my last pieces of Lyme away from my body. Well, I won't be but a surgeon will be!

My body slowly is getting used to this new lifestyle of no longer being ill and I have been feeling awesome! My runs have been going well and it is a new found opportunity to get alone with my creator. However, I have found that the last thing within my body that really screams my old sickness and arises many questions is my port. Many question why do you have a port? And as of Wednesday I can finally say I am totally IV free! Which is a huge step.

I cannot even begin to approach the things God has been doing within my life lately- I find that still among the lows of the summer God continues to reach out and pull me through. I have found new sickness and heartache and sometimes the greatest pain lately has been within my heart from looking at the world around me. I am humbled to be within the life that I have lived and I know that I am truly blessed with all that I have.

God continues to have His hand on so many things including the book that now finally should be going to print by December at the very latest and may be already getting looked at by a bigger publishing company! God is totally good.

May I never look back to the past with sorrow but with great joy knowing this is how far I have come. (Sorry about spelling if there are any problems, I am currently typing from an older computer that lacks spell check! :])