Prom.

Tomorrow is my senior prom and all of my friends are finding their way there.
Dresses all over and make-up and beauty are all at their door, or so it seems...
Once in awhile I would sit and think of the worst thing that could happen, never believing it to be true. Thinking of things like missing prom or even graduation to sit in the hospital instead.
Tonight is the night before my senior prom, I had a dress all picked out and everything seemed ready.
Now just days ago, things changed a little and look where this has landed me. here. stuck. cornered.

With tears streaming down my face I feel defeated once again. Defeated by a disease that shouldn't have such control but also by friends that I have held so tight.

I always thought if they were in my shoes I would do anything for them to make them feel better because I don't want them to feel how I do. Yet tonight I feel a little sad if any of them do show up because they have their lives too. Last year I made time to come to the hospital just before prom, not for me but for the nurses and the elderly ladies up on the floor I used to volunteer on. Not because it was convenient but because I had come a long way from having a catheter in me and an IV bag hanging and tubes everywhere. I wanted them to see the person I was not the person I am temporarily. I did it for them.

Sometimes I wish that life came with a little instruction booklet of how to feel. I wish I knew how to feel about my best friend who is too stressed. I want to support her yet I wish she knew how much 3 minutes mean to me. I want to be able to see things from her eyes yet I can't. Most of all I want to feel better so I could just go and be with her. Tears just pour from my eyes because I know no one will see both sides of the fence but I wish for a moment I could just get a glimpse of the feeling of being the pretty, smart, fun, healthy girl who landed prom queen and everything else. Tonight my heart most of all longs for just fitting into a healthy lifestyle no strings attached. What happened to those days?

Still in the hospital and filling a pitcher with tears,

Victoria

Chronic illness aka Q&A edition 2.

Okay, well I told Amy B. she could ask some questions because she didn't know I was back in blog land. She is the only exception because I have a huge soft spot in my heart for her son Philip. So here are her two answers.
Amy asks:
As a young adult the same age as my Philip... How do you make it through the harder days when you just wanna feel like WHY ME? Or What if?

Honestly, this might sound cliche- however my hard days are gone through with either reflecting on worse days or worship music. I love worship music with all of my heart and soul. When those don't work I have a select few people that I can go to and cry or talk to. There are actually two girls I know of off the top of my head and one guy that I have called and they have listened to me cry for far too long. I feel really bad about that sometimes, however that's how I get through those moments. I love them forever, I wish I could tell them about how much I love them. The What if days... Those are far and few between for me, but it seems like when they hit the idea doesn't leave fast. It scares me sometimes especially when I know there is something off. Even something slight, I am on my toes and scared. I wish people knew what it was like to have a stabbing pain and within two days have surgery. I think after getting my gal-bladder out last year I realized that things could get serious fast and that scares me sometimes. Although being with Jesus is going to be awesome I can only imagine.

"Philip rarely has those days but when he does they are so hard for me as his mom...I would love to know better how to help him."

I feel like the best way to help, is to listen. Support him even if it is screaming right along with him, there is no promise for tomorrow for anyone, that's the truth. However the days we are here should be spent loving each other. Show him love and let it be known he is loved.

Do you have any idea how special of a young lady I think you are? I just am so glad you are back. I have worried about you when you left a while back.

Honestly- with two people saying this now. I really don't know if I do know how special people see me. I don't think I will ever know because I have learned when God is in the picture, somehow the unthinkable always happens.

This Question and Answer time has gotten me to notice how people feel and what they wonder when they look at me. If you have other questions even if they are trivial. Leave them around, I might do another answer time with them if there are enough. I really wonder sometimes what people think when they're looking at a teen that's really sick. However I look at them now and I feel like it seems more normal to me. There are a lot of very sick, very hurting teens and I mean physically hurting not mentally but mentally hurting too. Okay so both. I feel like it's something that is actually pretended to be little but I know quite a few.

I feel that the dealing with a Chronic illness isn't talked about a lot. I also feel like when you're a teen it's an awkward time to be sick. Right now I feel like I am trying to figure out who I am as a person like every other teenager that is going through this period in their life. They experiment with things they go crazy they sneak out they, well- they do a lot of things. I see my peers do things a lot and I think wow that's awesome or I am glad I am not doing that. However at the same time I am taking on the responsibility of calling doctors and making decisions. Decisions that could quite possibly affect me in major ways the rest of my life. No, I don't mean college. So for those things it's stressful. I also think that sometimes those things are ignored among my friends and sometimes adults that I associate with. I think I overreact to little things because I feel like one day I am going to wake up and that person might be gone. Yes that is a real fear I have.

This article made me feel a little more normal about some things. Although I don't agree with some of the topics on the list and could bring it down to like 30 some of them really hit the nail on the head.

The two below hit me personally because in the last few weeks I feel like both have happened and I feel really bad about it now. I am praying about a certain situation because I feel at peace about it now, but it felt like a huge deal a few days ago.

Always ask before touching or hugging and never give them a power handshake or a friendly biff on the shoulder. Many people with chronic illnesses are in a lot of pain, particularly if they have symptoms like that of Fibromyalgia, where every touch signal can be magnified into significant pain. This changes all the time, so don’t stop hugging them, just check first and be gentle.

Recognise that pain and extreme tiredness can make anyone irritable (have you never snapped at someone when you’re sick with flu?) and that various medications can affect behaviour. If your friend does or says something rude or hurtful, give them the benefit of the doubt. They may well be horrified afterwards.

This is The End of my Question and Answer and Answer time! Hope you enjoyed.

Birthday.

Today I am turning 18. So in honor of my 18th year of life I would like to put 18 random facts about myself up because it seems that this is a popular thing to do.

- God is top priority in my life and my drive is given a lot by the force of my faith. I love God with all of my heart and I can't see it any other way. My faith has gotten a lot stronger over the past few years and I have gotten so I can't stand missing church.

- In most of my childhood photos I am dressed up as something either dressing to look like a certain era, or just dressed up and being a ham. I have lots of photos from when I am younger and in all of them I am doing something abnormal. I kind of wonder if I have any that I just smile normal in.

- I absolutely hate starting a new doctor. I hate going there and I hate having them not know anything about me. It stresses me out because I always feel like I am forgetting something.

- Turing 18 is the first age I have felt stressed about turning. I don't want to be 18 for a number of reasons but one being that I won't be a real kid anymore and the bank already sent me a letter saying I was eligible for a new type of bank account.

- I used to be obsessed with keeping my room clean now, I lack motivation to clean my room...

- Painting is my biggest relaxation technique and it calms me down. I haven't found anything else I enjoy doing more- however writing is a close second.

- I absolutely hate crumbs in my bed and will do anything to avoid them even if it means demanding foot washing or changing my sheets at midnight. I need things to be in order.

- Traveling is an awesome thing to do, as long as you're not going to doctors appointments. I hate doctors appointment traveling however I have been out of the country twice to Taiwan and Ireland and I loved it. I hope to go back to Europe again some day. It was beautiful. Taiwan however, not so much but who knows what the future holds.

- I like order and schedule. I would rather have mapped out days and such than a bunch of chaos. I like to know what I am doing in a week advance if it's possible, although many plans don't stick or they fall through last minute.

- Watching the snow fall is one of my favorite activities and I would do it all day if I could, color and watch the snow fall. It's a silent act that's really mesmerizing, thus why I am worried about driving in winter weather.

- When I was younger I used to tell everyone I was going to be a baby doctor. I loved babies and I still do. I find small children to be an amazing thing since we all start as a single cell. The complexity of our minds and everything baffles me. Now at least 14 years later, I am still considering the medical field and I love people.

- Now I see the brain as one of the most interesting things in the body. I can't see it as anything other than something I wonder if we will ever fully understand.

- One of my biggest motivators is my grandmother she was a wonderful woman and I can't imagine what life would be like if I had never met her. She always made me think I could do anything I put my mind to and put a lot of faith in me. She even used to let me cook and peel potatoes and do anything I could to help in the kitchen even if it meant taking a little longer to teach me and watching me cut my finger and learn things the hard way. She never was too busy. I hope if anything I can take the compassion and her love for God, and people and her pace back to my own life.

- I live for the moments I can step out of my comfort zone and overcome something or make myself a better person from an experience. Even just speaking up when I am nervous. However, I think there is a limit that should be put to these moments or else it becomes even more stressful.

- I really am amazed by God and the way he works in people. I think that is awesome and I always am interested to see what his plan is next. I don't agree with his plan 100% of the time and if I was God sometimes I think I would never want anyone to die... However I feel that some of my biggest spiritual growth was when I was hanging on by a thread. Plain and simple God to me is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am in love with him.

- My favorite years of my life were the years spent in elementary school. I loved the wonder I had then and I try to tune back in with that wonder from time to time. I love simple things and I can sit for hours enjoying little things rather than big complex things.

- I am really reliant on my computer and all of the data it stores. I am concerned about how much I use my computer and I kind of hope that I can start to work away from that by the time I turn 19. Hopefully this will be something I fixed over the course of a year. I don't want to adjust to my reliance of the computer though.

- I dislike people who find it their job to be negative. I am all about cheering people up, however I also believe that you have a time that you can be negative but I don't like it if you think it's okay to stay that way for a long time. It really bothers me and I will do anything in my power to let you know I still care about you. I really do love people and I will do my best to give you my undivided attention. If you don't feel like I am giving it to you, you can call me- if I am distracted then, then you know something is wrong with me. I don't usually pick my phone up unless I am ready to talk.

Bonus- One year as a birthday gift.. My twin cousins were born on my birthday. Although at the time I wasn't sure if I was completely thrilled about sharing the date, I absolutely love sharing my birthday with them now. These two little girls are splendid and I love their zest for life and their sweet personalities. Below is a photo of them and their older sister and I the day of my testimony.

Today is my 18th year of life. I am thankful for this year and I am so thankful for the 17th year where I learned a lot about myself. I feel like every year I grow older I am a little more in tune with myself. I am so glad that I have been able to get into my skin and wear out my body a little more this year and I am thankful for everyone in my life. As a birthday present to me- lurkers de-lurk. If you are a reader who has come for awhile and you don't comment, comment. I would love to hear from you! Dad, this means you. :) So to all of the February 4th birthday's Happy Birthday!

Now just for fun because I thought it would be here is my year in review in words- Things that only happen once and happened while I was 17.

Sister moved out and then moved to her own apartment- First steady boyfriend- First surf competition- First time I swam from our cottage to elephant rock, not only facing my fears of seaweed and dark water but also swimming a great amount still being sick and never doing it before- First kiss- First annual Lyme Walk was started by Sarah and I- First time I ever had a problem with chloraprep- First surgery- First time going to camp since I got sick- First small group setting this summer, loved it so much I have a deep passion for making it to my small group at church because I love the setting and the people we have in it.- First time sharing my testimony to others and finding out how much others could care about me. It was an awesome experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world.- First youth pastor I really connected with moved away- Got accepted to my first college- Tackled my fear of public speaking and never looked back.- Found that with God, anything is possible and have learned to pray about everything, still working on the worry about nothing part.- Met one of my cousins who is 30 something for the first time and learned a lot about fishing. I think it's in our blood- Submitted my art and writing to the first contests ever and earned honorable mention on my art, still haven't heard anything about my writing.- Went to my first and maybe only prom I will ever go to- Met my first band in person.- Found my true passion for people and started a lot of things like a Lyme Christmas program and now we're starting a local 501(c)3 program that will be non-profit and can raise money for local activities.

That is my year of firsts and only moments. I am sure there are many more. Celebrate with me, I would love to share cake with you and your family. Go ahead make a cake in honor of the day I turn 18 and share some sugary delight with me! Festivities begin this weekend with a little party this weekend, nothing big just something. (note- if you share cake make sure you let me know so I can see a picture!)

Smiling from the inside out.

Today has been interesting, well this whole week has been kind of side swiping me. I don't know what to think but I have really kind of been happy today. For the most part anyways. I have found that I continue to find good in others and I just really love people so much. I mean I have really found a lot of places I need to work on but I am just really happy because I feel like right now in my life I am really connected with my core and who I am.

I just really find life exciting no matter what happens because we just have so much going on and then just to see the lives of others and how they are changing. I just can't explain how things have changed over the last few weeks but they have. I miss things that used to be constants for me, like hanging out with friends and the people I hung out with but it's comforting knowing they're still there- they just don't keep in touch as much sometimes... I have also started committing to reading at least one verse of the bible every night no matter how tired I am. I even started liking it so much that there is an alarm set on my phone to do so. I am doing it with a friend from church and he's a really neat kid. I like how he thinks so different from me so that we can discuss things and it is just really interesting.

I have seen how much my faith has changed my life even within the last year... I mean I don't feel like I would be anywhere without that to hold on to. My focus has moved away from man and more to God, it's interesting how that works but with reading the bible I have also found that it helps reinforce things I think. (Psalm 146:2&4- Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing.) The scripture spoke a lot to me not only about putting trust in man but also about planning, I mean it basically says our plans come to nothing the day we die. Yet we live in structured society of which says plans must be made, I am not always for living in the moment however how often can we say we trust God with our future? So much that we don't even give it a second thought to talk about it with God?

I am just thinking a lot tonight about so much, I have so much to be thankful for yet there are things that I wish I had back. Things I miss things I desire... I miss my friends most of all and it's hard to think of anything else that I wish I could have back. I really just wonder if they miss me as much as I do them... I also miss the liberties of going out and having fun and living life as a normal teen, like staying out late and not being told that I have medications to take or an IV to do. I guess some things I don't think I will ever get as much, even just a shower today- I had a shower without the needle of my port in and it felt so good... I sometimes wonder if I ever realized how much effort it took to walk or how a shower could feel so absolutely amazing. I almost think you should get the experience of being stuck constantly in a wheelchair or not being able to wash and see how much you can experience and how it feels because it really does give me a whole new perspective.

I don't know where I will be tomorrow or ten years from now, but tonight I am a teenager living a sick persons life and I am ready to go running through the finish line and be done and look back at a race that I can look back and say. Ran hard, Sweat lots, Gave it my all, and Won.

I hope every week from here on out I can find at least one thing to be really thankful for like down in my heart thankful for. This week I am thankful for love of others... I think I will update tomorrow with a post on some other events in my life that just amplify the emotion of love.

2008 in photos

2008 brought many things both new, old and otherwise- here is a photo for every month for the year of 2008. I am sad to see it go but ready for all of the new beginnings that are yet to unfold. Happy New Year! May this New Year bring all of you a new beginning and health and happiness to you and your loved ones.

Busy Busy Busy... Silence?

I am so sorry I have lacked to show any enthusiasm this past while in the blogosphere. I wish I had something exciting to say like I just got back from a surprise free trip to a Caribbean Cruise. However that's not the case at all. I have just been catching up with friends and family, and I am very thankful that I can say for once- it's not because I didn't have anything to write! It's because I didn't have enough time to sit down and actually compile my thoughts. My room has been a mess things have been chaotic and it's starting to settle down. I have two art pieces to get done my Monday both that are highly complex but do-able. So that will be nice when those are finally done.

I continue to be humbled by the comments people leave and the sincerity in their words. I am meeting many wonderful people. For now, I have another essay to write for a scholarship and artwork to do and a book I would like to finish! Life is crazy but that's okay. I soon will be back in school and with some sort of schedule. I also will be getting feedback from the two colleges I applied to. So we shall see! I am thinking about going to visit them too here in January! Maybe towards the end of the month. I want to take my artwork and such to them. I am quite excited. So there is a brief update. I will write more later.

Twas the first day of Christmas...

This season has been everything but peaceful! I have been busy every night of the week and holding on by my pant legs to get everything caught up. Dot my i's and cross my t's! Packages were to be sent homework stacked high as I missed each day I missed. I am sorry for my lack of updates. Last week was difficult and this week will be a race of the fittest to see how much back work I can make up in 5 days. Complete with a photography photo shoot and a bunch of other stuff. I hope to slow down next week when we have off school and I can make priorities and finish portfolio work for college. I have a self portrait to get done and my still life to finish! Plus studying for multiple tests and working my butt off.

I come to you with even more prayer. I have a good friend Meghan Marks that her family's house burnt down this past weekend. I feel so bad and am a wreck about it. Their family has been nothing but good. Her mother also has Lyme disease and she is a wonderful girl. I am trying to think of what I can do for this family. My heart breaks for them as they enter the holiday season with little money to be found. All of the members of the family made it out of the house safely and now we're working on making the holiday a little brighter and hopefully coming together as a community. I am thinking about "selling" one of my paintings to honor this family like you buy chances for $3 and get it. Above is a sample of my paintings. Each painting of mine comes with a story and I would post a photo then it would go for around a month or so. If someone has ever done something like this and would be able to give me some insight. I am hoping to help their family. Another hardship to overcome! Prayers are appreciated.

Victoria

Superior Scribbler Award

It was a great honor to receive the Superior Scribbler Award from Renee at Renee's Reflections. She is an awesome woman and I am surprised and honored to receive this award.Here are the rules for the blog:

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.


• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.


• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.


• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List.
  

That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor! Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog. Superior Scribblers I know?Check them out below:

Kelsey at K is... Not your Average Girl Kelsey is well, fantastic. She is a lot like me in many ways and she has inspired me. She gives me hope because of her wonderful attitude and compassion towards others. She is a really good writer and I think she is well deserving.

Tori at Breathings Of My Heart This blog is lovely. I absolutely love going there her blog is fantastic and wonderfully written.

Bouf Mom at Who Says 8 is Enough? A loving mother who not only has 9 wonderful children but also a wonderful lady all around who has shared her journey of parenting a large family and helps others by giving back to other families. She inspires me so much.

Carson's mom at SANITY This blog pulls at my heart strings. She is such a wonderful mom and her love is so apparent through her writing. The family's story just makes me cry, smile, laugh, and pray. If you would like to help this dear little girl Carson, please check out a great thing going on here.

Kimber at Kimber's Space This lovely mom is fantastic and she has awesome Not Me Monday's I enjoy reading her blog and the different things she brings to the blogging world. I also feel so special and happy when I receive a comment from her. She's an awesome person.

These people are so awesome and they all add a different spirit and piece to the blogging world bringing color and sweet little sentiments. Thanks for visiting and a little later I will be posting an update.

I have complete faith this holiday season.

As I was reading Kelsey's blog or K's blog I realized I am putting my 100% faith in God this holiday season and as I apply to college this year. If I don't get into my colleges I plan on getting into then that's not what I am meant to do. Not yet. My calling is here close to home with the support of friends and family and I will be going to CCC with some other kids from school. I was watching this movie and listening to the lyrics it really hit me. The song is "Rescued Nation" by Holyfire.

I would like to spot-light a very special person close to my heart today.

Lucy, She is a fellow "Lymie" and I have really loved our friendship. I am amazed by her strength and courage. Even though we go through rough patches I know she will continue to be herself. She is true she isn't afraid of showing her reality and her soul. I am so amazed by her and there is just something about her spirit that amazes me. I haven't talked to her as much lately but my amazement and prayers have not changed. She is such an awesome young lady. I am so thankful that I have people like her in my life to say hey, it's not so bad or keep on fighting you dork you're not going to get better by complaining! She isn't that harsh promise. But she is always encouraging me to go against the grain and try new things or say enough is enough. She is bold and beautiful. She shares a passion of painting with me and I am lucky to own one of her originals. She is an awesome girl and has an amazing spirit. Thank you for being my friend Lucy. You absolutely rock.

P.S. I am trying something new out today- I scheduled this blog to post tomorrow! :) How cool.

Giving Back

This Christmas I have strongly focused on giving back to people. Every day for advent I am doing something special for someone in my community. I decided that the Christmas holiday is a very important holiday to feel loved, to know that people care. I know that may sound corny but some people feel like no one does care and I think we all go through those days.

This holiday season, if you don't have a charity to give to or are looking for a way to give back- I would like to encourage you to buy a Lyme disease afflicted teen a gift. If you're new to my blog, I want you to know that I don't ask for money constantly and I don't push too much charity stuff for Lyme. But as I have seen some of my friends that are sick with this horrible disease it has strongly broken my heart. I am giving to a lot of different other sick kids this year in hopes to reach out and I encourage you to do the same. Below are bio's of the kids involved. Click here if you would like to get involved in this. I am really hoping I can see the kindness of healthy strangers pull through.

We kept all the wishes under $20 and the only real request I have is that you write a Christmas card out to them with a message. If you think about it, 4 people put in $5 you have enough money and it's only $5 and then if all of those people give a card it's like a shower of cards. You really don't know how much that means to someone who has been sick and rarely gets mail. It really is the thought that counts. Please e-mail me if you would like to buy a gift because I am leaving the wish lists up until Christmas Eve. to keep it a surprise I am not taking down the items that have been granted. However I am not going to keep rambling if you would like more information please e-mail me. If you cannot give this year, I request prayer for all of these wonderful teens who are suffering greatly and all of them are not able to go to school on a regular basis, so I ask for prayer the greatest gift of all.

Each link on the person's name takes you to their wish list.

Alex H.- Alex has been sick since she was 11 years old. She was always healthy. She began having weakness in her left arm and within 9 months she walked her last steps. The weakness traveled from her left arm/left leg/right arm/right leg and then respiratory. In 2 more months she went into respiratory distress and Dr's said she would not survive the night. Alex was airlifted and put on a vent/trach and a g-tube inserted for nutrition. Today, Alex is completely paralyzed unable to move, breathe, eat or talk. However, she understands everything and can slightly move the corner of her mouth to yes questions. She believes someone is going to help figure this out and help her be well again. Alex has an identical twin, Jaci who is healthy. Alex is the only one who has no diagnosis.

Candice M.- I'm Candice, I'm 19, and I've been battling lyme for about 3 years now. I was only diagnosed 7 months ago, so for the first couple of years of my illness I just tried to push through. I went off to college last year, and that's when my body started to push back. I became so ill that I had to drop out and move back home in the middle of the year, and I've been at home struggling ever since. Hopefully the holiday season won't be so bad. I wish all of the lymies out there a happy and healthy holiday (or at least a stable one, that's just what I wish for!). Merry Christmas!

Jeff K.- My name is Jeff. I'm 16, and have had Lyme for 3 1/2 years. After relentless treatment, more needles than any hospital can carry, and unbearable stress and problems, my symptoms have barely let up. I love my parents so much, they've spent nearly their entire fortune just to get me better. Unfortunately that will not last forever.I have severe fatigue, so I can't really do much besides lay around. I listen to a lot of music and play a lot of games...and that's pretty much it.

Kayla P.- I'm Kayla and I just turned 19. I have had Lyme for 5 years now. I love to read, do anything artsy and crafty like beading and drawing, watching movies and listening to music.

Lucy M.- Hi everyone : ] I'm Lucy, I'm 18 years old and have had Lyme for 11 years. One of my favorite things to do is paint.

Makayla B.- Hi, I'm Makayla and I am 18. We believe that I have had Lyme since birth, so I have been battling this disease for a while. But I continue to fight, and am determined to beat this disease!

Sami S.- Hi :) I'm Sami.. I'm seventeen years old.. I've had Lyme disease for the past three years.. I used to play volleyball and basketball before I got sick but now I can't.. I like to spend time with my little dog Lynny and my boyfriend that I've been with for over two years.

Victoria W.- This is my wish list, I am also the creator of this group. I have had Lyme since Summer of 2005. Right now I am home a lot and I have been pretty sick with my stomach and everything else. I have a seizure disorder and nerve problems as well as brain cognitive problems... You can find my full story at http://vicupdates.blogspot.com/ If you have any questions please e-mail me at victoriawilcox7@yahoo.com. This group really isn't about me but about all of the other colorful people who deserve a wonderful holiday season!

Favorite Blog

Today I got my very first blog award from Everyday Gyaan.
I don't really know how this works so I am just going to flow with it

There were no directions to this award so I am going to just go along and pass it on, and say thank you. I wanted to have a poem so I picked the poem below for this award on my page:

The Butterfly

The last, the very last,
So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.
Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing
against a white stone....

Such, such a yellow
Is carried lightly 'way up high.
It went away I'm sure because it wished to

kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I've lived here,
Penned up inside this ghetto.
But I have found what I love here.
The dandelions call to me
And the white chestnut branches in the court.
Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.
Butterflies don't live in here,
in the ghetto.
- Pavel Friedmann

This poem was written by a child who was in the Terezin Concentration Camp. A total of around 15,000 children under the age of 15 passed through Terezin. Of these, around 100 came back.

I guess, my point- is even in the worst of situations, we can find some good we can find dandelions even if we never find another butterfly.

I pass this award on to the following bloggers:
(Don't miss my other blog that I just posted below this one)

The Vernon's- This family has totally shown me God can take you anywhere you wish to go as long as you have faith. I am so blessed that Pastor Chris was my youth Pastor and he really amazed me with his faith. Now they're on to a new chapter in their life with planting a new church in NC. They're an awesome family and I am so grateful to know them.

Oijoy- I have been a lurker for quite some time reading your humor and reading about your soon to be baby and your son. This woman has awesome photography skills and if you live in Chicago I definitely suggest you give her a call. She is awesome at what she does, but give her some time after her new baby is born!

Kimber- I give this blog to Kimber because she has been such an awesome inspiration to me as a blogger and she has been so wonderful to me. I am so thankful for her kindness and prayers. She really is an awesome person and it shows through her blogs and her kindness to other bloggers.

Corinne- This lady is awesome and I find myself intrigued by her blog. I was amazed to have a reader from India! :) Thanks for giving me this award.

Candice- A fellow teen with Lyme she has a lot of insight and a huge heart. I am happy to know her and she has a wonderful blog. I am glad that I have her in my life to be part of my "lymie support system". She shares a curly hair characteristic.

Lastly, I ask all of my blog friends that have received this award to share the love, and post a poem of some sort with your post about the award. Thanks for being such wonderful bloggers. You all inspire me!

I write tonight with an overwhelmed and thankful heart

I don't know why I want to write a blog tonight but I know that I want to-

Have you ever had a moment, day or week that just didn't seem to be going how you thought it would? Did you ever feel left out or lonely?

I have had an overwhelming amount of emotion pouring out of me lately both of thanks, frustration and pain. I can't even begin to explain how much I have been hit with thoughts of getting better if I moved away to a treatment center. Pain in my stomach nothing there, feeling crazy trying to ignore it only to find myself in a deeper world of confusion. I don't really know if there is anything that can explain what I am going through I don't think there is a cure but I do believe in miracles.

I see people sad I see people complain about pain or aches and not feeling like they can stand and I sit and I wonder how much did I gripe and complain before I went through this. Yet I know I still do. I wonder in amazement how much this disease has changed me- how much I love life and notice more and more how short our days are. I just think we can't waste this precious time we do have for it shouldn't be taken for granted. I love life and I love the ability to walk. Today I broke out in a run yes, a run not a short paced thing but a run and it made me feel so full so complete and so blessed. Even last week I don't know if I had the confidence to walk without assistance and now, I am daring to run? Yes, I have fallen and I know it is dangerous to me- but I did it and I felt very accomplished and full. I was quite excited actually. I have also come up with my last two wishes for Christmas.

My biggest wish is to become a better person and seek more in God and less in people. I don't think I need to worry about what others think because it was the people who dared to be different and dared to step in the dark that let light on things that were "impossible". One of the Wright brothers said that he didn't think humans would fly for another 25 years and he contradicted his statement soon after. I am amazed I am at peace and I am finding, I want to share love and peace with others. It is a scary world as I have said before one of quick accusations and few long term friendships. One of hate and accepting of wrong things. I just think in these next few months as my advent to Christmas, instead of a gift to me- I am going to give a gift to others and work to make peace throughout other things.

I just want to say, thank you to the person who made my prayer shawl- thank you to those who have helped me come this far. There have been many who have shaped me and loved me and shown me what true compassion was. Tonight, I have yet another spot-light person

Kori-
Kori is a lot like me, we joke saying we're like twins. I met her at camp and since then I would consider her my closest friend, mentor and advisor. She is the kindest person she is gentle and she is wonderful in so many ways. She gives me undivided attention and loves me like a sister. She has shown me the world through different eyes, although she is realistic she shows me life through happiness and love. She knows how to make me laugh and she shows me aspects so that I can see things more clearly she defines things and she encourages me to go the extra mile in what I do. She has blessed me with her friendship and I can't even say how thankful I am to have her here for me. She is going to school to be a nursing student and I think she will make a fine one at that- although sometimes she is stressed, she can always make a little time to chat. She is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. She is fabulous and she shines through everything she does. Thank you isn't enough but it's all I have- so thanks.

I have one thing I would like to put in lastly, something that weighs very heavy on my heart. I know that I have readers both from near and far and I would like you, if you see this to pray for my small group leader- Jessica. We don't share things out of our small group but this week is going to be stressful for her since she still does have school since she is in college. She is facing things that are going to be difficult for her, I pray for wisdom and peace of mind as she goes through this week. She is a remarkable young lady and she pours her heart out to our small group. She really deserves prayer.

I am thankful for so much I hope you're finding thanks in your life to- God, thank you for my legs and ability to walk, you're my hero.

Praise and Holding Strong

I wanted to post an update on here, I am still not feeling well- my strength is not there and my stomach is bothering me a lot it hurts and it feels full with just a little bit of food. I guess all I can say is the stomach pain nausea and everything else is just in time for the biggest eating holiday of the year. So my frustration levels are quite high. I went to my Primary Care Physician on Tuesday and he sent a request to the surgeon to do a scope of my stomach. He is supposed to be pretty good and you're not supposed to remember any of it which is kind of how I want it. Even though I am a little nervous about everything, okay well- a lot nervous. We finally called that doctor to ask why he hadn't called us about the scope yet, and come to find out he is uneasy about doing a scope on someone under 18. My birthday is in February, darn it. Seems these doctors always want me to be a year older. I hope that comes to an end because I really hate growing up.

I also wanted to post how thankful I have been for such wonderful people in my life. I know I give them credit a lot but as I was reading over new and old comments I was amazed. A lady from India reading my blog?! The kindness of absolute strangers, Kimber posting a post about prayer for me on her blog, I just can't thank you all enough for your little posts of encouragement and your love that you have sent me. I think these words and these nudges of love quite possibly could make my Christmas absolutely perfect. I am just so thankful for the kindness of people in general because there are a lot of scrooges out there.

I don't know about Christmas for you, but as I was thinking there are so many friends of mine with Lyme that have been sick for so long Christmas almost just seems like another day. I can't think of anything I would like more than for these sick kids than a wonderful Christmas. They said I had to put my name on there too, so I have one thing- I don't really think I want anything really for Christmas- just the happiness and peace of the holiday. If you would like to be a part of it and would like to buy a Lyme teen a gift please e-mail me at victoriawilcox7@yahoo.com their wish lists are at www.kaboodle.com/lymiewishes. When you e-mail me with who you're buying for I will remove that wish from their wish list and I will also e-mail you back with their mailing address so you can ship the gift to them. Please wait to buy the gift until I have wrote back to you though to avoid double gifting- right now, we don't have everyone up but hopefully soon.

Have a wonderful holiday and now, I will continue with my days of thanks.

Sing, Sing, Sing!

I am feeling a little better today still not myself really, I don't understand what is going on lately but I feel happy about some things like my friends. I am really blessed to have such wonderful and compassionate friends. Although sometimes my "normal" friends seem to have a hard time understanding how to be compassionate they have all been so good to me. I am really thankful that I have a decent support system through my church especially without the people from my church I don't feel like I would be able to keep much faith in God. They have encouraged me in days when I had doubt and I have really began to seek faith for myself now.

I would just like to spot-light a blogger today:
Kimber it's rare that people actually show themselves while reading my blog, people I don't know anyways. Really, this is for my family so anyone else who finds encouragement by this is just a lucky person I guess. But she has put me on her blog-roll and I have felt honored I began reading her blog and she is quite an avid blogger, she puts me to shame that's for sure. But she has a kind heart and she has really just made me realize that my blog may be one in a million out there but it's out there and impacting people. She's a wonderful mother, and I think her son would agree! Thanks Kimber.

Still standing- small steps

I am still standing taking a few small steps. Life isn't as I would wish and you know, one of my things that is really bothering me right now- is that my room is messy. It's not too messy just messy enough that there isn't a lot of space to put things there are items being stacked up on my bedside table and my desk. I just don't know about this clutter. Although it's hard to maneuver balance and cleaning. So I guess clutter can rise until I am up and ready to clean.

To be honest my favorite season of all is coming up. I love holidays but most of all I love giving gifts. I love coming up with unique ideas to give a special gift to someone who has touched my life. I don't see Christmas as a time of receiving but a time of giving to others. There is no better feeling than seeing them light up their faces. I guess to be honest I just love any day where I can give someone something that brightens their day. It doesn't even have to be Christmas.

Today my friend and I were talking about things we would like for Christmas but would never ask for and I said I didn't really know... I said I don't really like to ask for anything anymore but we pondered our favorite stores like for me I have grown to love Etsy, and Delias and different places like that. I like things to be unique and different. She was a little more classic with Amazon and her desire for little things like that. I really don't expect much for Christmas this year I told her but I think this year I am going to put time into some very nice handmade gifts and I want it to be the biggest year I have ever given. I want to make lots of things for lots of people. :) I am excited.

So today that is my encouragement. Thinking of happy people with cool gifts for Christmas this year. I guess since I have been down and out and today really kind of sad just bummed about how things are turning out and how I haven't really been feeling good. I feel like the pain really never does stop sometimes all I want to do is cry but instead I laugh. Today I changed the song that plays on the website if you have a moment listen to it because that's how I feel today.

Spot-Light

Vaughn VanSkiver- Okay so he might be random to some because to be honest he hasn't been in touch with me as much as so many others but for some reason he always is brought to me in my memories. He is the worship arts pastor at our church and he always has a great sense of humor. I can sometimes find myself laughing about something he did years ago laying in bed years later. I am so blessed that he has been in my life and he has honestly just really touched my life. I guess I just can't explain it but I would like to say thank you to him.

Sometimes silence is the best one can offer.
Please pray for the Wyand family in the loss of their youngest daughter Fahris. I met this courageous family almost a year ago to this date. Their daughter has impacted many and her legacy will live on in the memories of many. She was a wonderful little girl and today all I can bring to you is silence.

Hello?

Hello?

Do I still have a few readers?

How do you do today?

I hope all is well in the states across the U.S. and around the world!

I know it has been a long time since I updated. 

Oh where to begin, oh where to begin.

Days have been upward and downward and filled with summer breeze.

I got to go to a surf competition in North Carolina. Where I met a very inspirational family. The Silvagni family has shown me the light of yet another family who finds the comfort of blood bonds between one another during adversity. The older brother in the family was diagnosed with Lyme disease and since that day they have had a fight to give Andrew the best treatment possible. Upon giving good treatment comes a good amount of doctor bills of course. So Tony the younger brother has started Surf Competitions to support his brother and the financial need of his medical state. As Mrs. Silvagni stated she hopes "that some day this competition can help other families like her own." At the competition you saw not just a family but the town of Kure Beach, NC band together for this family. It was truly amazing to see the connection of people and how they worked together to make a huge competition be a success for all. Fun and Lyme in the same sentence is rare but that weekend it was common and seen across Carolina Beach. That's not all Tony was doing that weekend- he had opened his home to many and led them into the world as he knows it he gave us a place to stay and showed us true southern hospitality. I was impressed to say the least but Silvagni isn't a little known name in the world of surfing and although Tony may have been named one of the top surfer's in the United States he holds his ties to home and his genuine compassion to those around him. It was an awesome weekend and I encourage you to read more at their local paper Island Gazette. Congratulations to the Silvagni family on a third successful year for their surf competition.

Just after that weekend I started tutoring like mad for the World History Regents Exam that I would have to take on August 13th. After a morning of turning ill and vomiting I went to the test with studying behind me and eyes on getting at least a passing grade. And the verdict is- I passed! So on to Senior year I can go and hopefully I will be entering the school with my head held high and my health turning to a brighter side.

Then just after that Jake planned a surprise party for my return to school with close friends and the love and support of family it was an encouragement to see everyone before starting school in just a few weeks. It was a selfless act he did just days before he went away to school and boy did he surprise me and I think it was known to all with a scream that they received as everyone jumped up in the air. Then laughter and good times filled the evening and it was known to all that Senior year was only beginning!

Just a few days ago yet another change came upon me with Jake off to college and into the world of dorms and excitement! You can track his roommate Matt and him here. Where they share the frustrations and curiosity of two country kids venturing off into the city of Pittsburgh, PA as two graphic design majors. When one door shuts another door opens. It is turning into a fast paced week this week as the summer months wind down to weeks and what just seems like yesterday everyone was getting out of school and excited for summer everyone is entering back into the same building. With a new auditorium renovation and the crisp college ruled paper we all are returning to another year of high school. For some it's only the beginning and for me it's going to be my final year there. 

It's interesting how school goes here in the United States, if you're like many of the families that I grew up with staying in the small town setting and raising a family is what they're all about. So as time passed the kid you hated in kindergarten ended up being in your class at least 4 times by the time you had reached sixth grade. You were forced to know these kids and know the families by the time you had reached sixth grade. Heck by the time you had reached sixth grade you knew all the kids you were going to school with, most of the teachers in the building, and the principal, nurse, and every single lunch lady. You are forced to know them. Then seventh grade comes along and your pushed into middle school meeting new kids but still staying isolated to a degree with a separation of kids onto "teams" so you got a chance to have your 4 core classes with the same kids and you got to know them for two years. Then ah to High School the end of the destination where you have your final school with many of those same kids you attended elementary school with. You shared laughs, memories, times of both good and bad, babysitters and maybe even a pacifier or two. Our schools have forced many of us to become very close friends and family and for the first time in many of our lives in June we will take a step that we have never taken before. We will walk away from our small towns and villages and walk into the United States dispersing across the U.S. and maybe even across the globe- only holding one common bond as classmates of the graduating class of 2009.

It's going to be interesting and boundaries of school walls are no longer as we all look into the future- college and career paths. To the Army, to the workforce, to a trade of some sort, we are the future. 

With that being said,

I go to visit my first college this Friday and I am excited to say I am looking into majoring in Physical Therapy. 

I hope to be feeling better by Friday and shaking the bug that has been lingering within me. 

Looking towards the future and a more consistent blog format once again,

Victoria

Painting Hope

Taking your brand new paint brush and dipping it in the first color
The first few strokes are hardened and pointy.
As if the paintbrush itself is unsure of it's duty...

The paintbrush a lot like us when we reach unsteady ground.
Not sure of what to do unsure of how to do it or what we're going to reach out to next.
We are like a new paint brush when we reach unfamiliar land testing the waters out with our toes before we're into it up to our nose.

Slowly the brush warms up and soon you're working with a limber brush and creating the background to your scene.
I start with the top knowing just how I want the sky to be...
Slowly working downward until the whole piece of wood was covered with color.

Slowly but surely I make my way to the outline of hope.

A little ducks black outline covering the blues and bright colors...
Filling in the dark areas with a little red duck and red feathers too...
Stroking through his beak and feet I make them as yellow as can be soon he looks as though he will say quack quack and waddle his way right off the piece I have made.

I create this duck and then soon give him away for what is artwork with out being shared?
This image of hope is here to stay symbolically representing our everyday.

Each day I don't feel good there has to be an ounce of hope-
For we push on to tomorrow with that little hope.

Quack Quack says the duck as he walks away.
I am hope for you and I am keeping you here today.

*Hope is a duck that I painted for Fahris while I was in the hospital and met her I gave Fahris that duck with a little poem and to my understanding hope is oh Fahris' wall and I think it's well understood that hope is also held deep within her heart.*

Spot-light:
Brenda- I spot-light Fahris' mom today as I forgot to yesterday. I want to say she has been a wonderful mother to her small half pint child who has battled the world with her right hand. She has shown courage when no courage could be found and has extended her right hand to know what's best for her daughter. She keeps everyone updated through her caringbridge site and knows that everything will be alright. No matter what the doctors have said she has continued to keep hope and I was so blessed to meet this family that gave me hope. I could only return the favor they gave to me with giving them a little hope of their own.

Kevin- I also feel it's important to spot-light Kevin Fahris' father he was the first person to visit my room. He came a little later with his daughter that he so proudly was able to show off. He told me a little about Fahris and about the long stay they had endured. Later the whole family was in my room and I was quite amazed at how much I had learned. They were an encouraging bunch and hat's off to Kevin for his courage to stand beside his wife and child through many sleepless nights and the beeping of the machines. It's quite amazing to see the love a parent can give to a child experiencing it on my own and knowing how much it means to have mom and dad there... I am sure their actions will never be forgotten in the little mind of their daughter.

Enjoying today

As I was going through today and yesterday with whatever was on my mind... The last few days have been a little rocky for reasons not really known to me.

I received this e-mail and it made me think and it has been quite thought provoking for me... It changed the way I think about life and I think it will change how you think too...

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away... As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'

As friends of one another we're placed in each others lives to be the blind man and give what we have to encourage one another. So I hope to all of my friends that read this on a daily basis that I have been able to be your blind man once in awhile, encouraging you and making things a little better.

Have a wonderful day,

Victoria

Years passing by in the blink of an eye.

Today was the last full day of school for the high school in my area.
I now am officially a senior or so that's what I say when I fill out the camp application for camp this summer or when people ask me what grade I am going to be in.
My heart and nerves are extremely anxious.
Tonight as I sat back and thought-
I realized some of the most amazing people I have met in my life will be going off to college this upcoming fall. I have never felt so inadequate or speechless. For so long you know the day of graduation is coming up and seeing so many split paths...

Each person has impacted my life in so many ways and to think that soon a class of my own will be walking up the steps and going to graduation in just the weeks ahead.

I would like to spot-light some seniors who have especially touched my life knowing that each of them will be successful in whatever their passion may be:

Abbie Surosky:
Abbie oh my! Well I guess this year and the past few have been binding years... After so long of distance and not talking I never would've guessed that you would be extremely good friends by the time you graduated. From playing in the dirt pile while we were young to a wonderful girl that you are today. You have been there for me through thick and thin and even found time to bring me pizza and visit me multiple times while I was so sick and even when I was miles away in the hospital.

Chris Zukas:
Chris has been a very good friend who has shown me that throughout any obstacle life places in front of you. He has been strong when I have been weak and has been able to keep me smiling when it was difficult to do so. He has been a really good friend to me and I am really impressed in how he far he has come.

Jake Boylan:
From around 5th grade walking home from school to today you have grown into a wonderful person. With everything from your Eagle Scout ceremony to the upcoming Graduation Ceremony I am so proud of you and impressed by your compassion and patience through everything.

Jake Castiglia:
I wouldn't have met you if it hadn't been for Marissa but you have been another blessing! I am really impressed by your strength and courage going into college. You have expressed knowledge and perseverance in a very trying education of becoming a doctor. Although our conversations have been few and far between they have been heartfelt and quite interesting.

Joey Kuehner:
Joey met me very late in the school year after I had shared my testimony at church. He was one of the first friends I made when I started going back to youth group. He has helped me grow immensely through Christ and my faith. I am really impressed with his maturity and how much he has been able to show me through his guidance and faith in God.

Josiah Knowles:
Josiah and I started talking awhile back and he helped me grow increasingly in my faith. He has encouraged me through prayer and reference to Christian music. He opened doors through the music that he encouraged me to step out on a limb. He has been a great source of encouragement and I am so glad that he was the first person who I really connected with from our youth group at church.

Kelly Palmer:
Kelly has been a good friend through this year catching me when I fell and helping pick up broken pieces. She has been a good friend and showed me a great amount of compassion during the marching band months spending a lot of time with me and sitting with me after competitions. She has shown me what it's like to be selfless and the love of friendship and is probably one of my musical friends with references to songs and she really showed me that where ever I wished I could make a difference.

Lacy Rugaber:
Lacy is another awesome person she helped me with the walk and getting everything sorted out. She has added humor and a lot of reinforcement to our team with the walk and I have been very impressed with her as a person. I can't believe how many teens stepped out to help with the walk.

Lucy Mooney:
Lucy is my Lymie sister for sure. She has taught me that through the disease I can overcome anything that I need to. She has gotten over this disease and she has been a massive amount of support where no one else could be since she had experienced a lot of the things that I have wen through. She continues to give me support every day if it's through my writing or my paintings that I do she has shown me that the true person is not what is on the outside but what is within. She is most definitely a remarkable person.

Marissa Angell:
Marissa has helped me with all of the girl things that are needed in life. From painting nails to encouragement to hospital visits she has been there. She is an incredible worker and works with her heart for everything she achieves. I am so blessed to have her on my side and incredibly grateful to be friends with her.

All of these awesome people will be going out in the world come late August/ early September and if I could ask that you each pray for them as they enter the world making names for themselves.

I can't express how grateful I am for having such awesome friends and people who have entered my life.

A true update on my health coming soon!

Victoria