Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I have been reading a lot and just totally enthralled by God's goodness and I think it's about time I write a post of a mini testimony of what has gone on in my life over the past year or so...

Last year in April, I became deathly ill with sepsis a blood infection that harbored within my port. It was during that time I decided that I would never be healed and God just didn't have that within his plan for me. I was okay with that because it seemed like every prayer service I had gone to I went with the hope of being healed and had nothing in return. I had fallen into a rut that I deserved this healing after being sick for so long.

Then after I got out of the hospital, I was walking with my walker and I had still been struggling with blue/purple legs and difficulty walking. It was during that time I found myself completely submitted to God and just realizing I would live out my life in submission if it was God's will for me. A few days of being out of the hospital, I was invited to a BBQ at a Pastor's house with a worship leader. We all sat around the table and talked about God, and what is going on in our lives and the worship leader talked about his life of not going to college and serving the Lord. I was impressed by his testimony of God's faithfulness. He took interest in my story as a 18 year old young girl, looking pretty healthy on the outside but walking with a walker... I told him as little as possible and tried to dismiss the questions. Truth be known, I was getting uncomfortable and wanted to leave.

Well, as we moved to the living room the boys pulled out their guitars and we went into a time of acoustic worship. I sat on the sidelines of worshipping God and feeling confused. After I had posted this post a few months earlier, and had been in belief that God could and had healed me I felt totally lost and confused when I got sick again in April and I felt as though something had been robbed of me. My confusion was great and I felt as though I was serving what might have been a powerless God. Then the man came over to me and said I would really like to pray for you would that be alright?

I shrugged saying yes, because I felt as though I could take any prayer I could get even though in my heart I didn't think God would even think of healing a girl like myself anymore. I felt unworthy and unloved. Robbed of a miracle... And just at my most desperate time when I had totally sunk into whatever God would have for me and whatever He wanted to do in my life... He showed me that when I submit to Him He does provide. The man laid hands on my legs right where the coldness started and heat returned to my legs! He prayed and prayed like I had never seen before and soon my legs felt more normal than ever. Then when he quit praying he looked up to me and took both of my hands in his. He said, lets see what God can do! With a little hesitation as if to think, God, I do not want to look foolish or make you look bad if I should stumble and fall and am not healed...

I was nervous as to what this could mean. In just a few moments, I took steps with little to no assistance and then I was walking! I was walking without anything at all! As I walked, I knew something was different and I didn't know what it could possibly be. I kept walking around and thinking something is different. That's when I realized, I was walking without any pain at all. It felt heavenly, or the most heavenly I had felt on earth. My body felt like it was brand new and I couldn't believe it. I had been healed by the great and powerful God that we all talk about but don't expect to do miracles. We say God can do these incredible things, yet we do not show others what He can do and we fear actually expecting a miracle. I was healed by the Everlasting God.

As I went to the doctors they started noticing that I was doing better un-explainable amount better. My specialist told me, never have I met a girl in all of my practice who went to death's door: knocked at it, opened it up a little and peered inside, then slammed it shut and walked away as though nothing happened. My heart was beating regularly, my body was functioning at all of the ways it was intended to... And to be honest no one knew why or could explain what had happened.

Then I began to be fearful of sharing my testimony of healing in fear of being mocked or misunderstood and I fell silent. However, a year later, I have lived the life of a healed girl. The more I have discerned God's will for my life and prayed the more I believe God is at an awesome work within my life. There have been times when I have fallen or struggled but today, more than ever, I believe, and know within my heart that I am Lyme disease free! This summer, I have finished taking all of my medicine and went from a girl who was taking 50-60 pills a day and doing IV's to IV free with an empty pill box. My IV antibiotics went off to a third world country this past week to send healing to the people there... I am truly blessed and astounded by the work God has done within my life and in the lives of those around me.

I have found that sometimes we put God in a box, and we make the God we serve a reflection of man instead of us being a reflection of God. I am starting to realize that it's not about having a fallen earth while we're here but it's about bringing God's kingdom to earth. It's about realizing that we're built to expect the supernatural and to begin praying and seeing the supernatural happen here on earth. What is in heaven can be, and should be here on earth. I am a blessed daughter of an incredible King! And I intend to continue living out a testimony of that because most of all, I long to reflect God and his goodness.

Today my life looks pretty average to most... I am working full time and I am running on our college Cross Country team. I am striving to get good grades and do everything I can to glorify God in my every action. However, inside me and those who know my whole story from day one, I can say that God has done an incredible work in my life and the only reason my life looks pretty average today is because God did something pretty supernatural in my life a little over a year ago. And that to me, has been the best gift I could have ever been given.

I felt it was about time that I posted my true and honest testimony on here.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God" Romans 12:2. May we truly be transformed in our lives to pray for the supernatural and live knowing that we serve a God that is greater and His will is powerful and healing.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

And when we speak life, life happens, and when we speak healing, healing happens, and when we speak truth, truth happens.

And when we take what we have found to a dead world, we’ll see it come to life again, and when we take what we found to a hopeless world, we’ll see hope come back.

Just a quote to ponder.

Friday, June 18, 2010

It's going to happen.

Tonight after a long day at work I realized, there are going to be things at work that happen that I cannot control... Mostly it was the fact that when people die on our floor it just seems like it is a system and stuff. I realized that once my shift is over my association with the people on the floor is also over. And pretty much every night I come home I forget about half of the connections and communication that has been exchanged that day. I answer hundreds of call lights a shift, each with their own interaction:

Will you silence my IV pole?
Can I have more pain medicine?
Where is my doctor?
What time is my echo?
Would you mind taking me for a walk when you get a chance?
Can you help me on the comode?

Like I said... Each exchange is something individual to the patient's needs... After being a patient many times, I can honestly say I remember my nurses and CA's and I remember the interactions we had. However, as a CA now, I realized once the shift is over unless you were overly combative or extremely ill, or just very obnoxious with the use of your call light, I don't really remember much of the exchanges that happend. Life goes on and soon that person is just a blip in the screen.

It's crazy to think as the world seems to stop for some of my patients, they face surgery in the OR alone or recieve diagnosis of intense diseases... At the end of my shift all of the day slips into a little pocket and will be reached back into when I return to the unit the next work day. For some people, life seems to stop abruptly, they lose a loved one or fear the health of them. People recieve news that their insurance is no longer covering their stay and they will be paying $1,000 a day if they cannot get a safe place to move within the next 24 hours.

People are faced with intense things in the hospital, and we as their care providers are expected to give them compassion but not too much. Show them that they matter- even if it is a false sense of identity as everyone rolls their eyes walking to the patient's room to answer the light...

I guess for me it was a wake up call- I can't do anything about these situations other than be a glimpse of hope and light in the lives of those arond me... However, it's just weird to think- tonight for many of those patients the world came to an abrupt stop they are trapped within the walls of the hospital room. Confined there with the loss of identity and freedom. While for the first time it seems, I am garenteed an exit at the end of my shift... I pray that the patients I come in contact with are able to find hope in the coming days... Most of all, I pray for peace in the rooms I enter no matter what the outcome may be.

Living a life of radical love, and holding up patinets while we clean them and spending an extra few moments at the bedside... I pray for transformation where it can be obtained.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A New Kind of Love

I wanted to write a post about something that I recently experienced that showed me that sometimes our brokenness can create our most beautiful praise.

Recently, I experienced something that changed my heart and physically brought me to tears- something I don't think our "Christian Culture" experiences enough of. That was the out of tune and heartfelt praise that was offered from a small back room of a little church in a small town. The girl's name was Elizabeth. Her praise was apparent and there were only two beings in that room that night as far as I am concerned. The girl's spirit of worship, and our all mighty God receiving her praise.

She sang into a microphone hooked up to what most would consider low class but tonight, was the most high tech karaoke machine around and she belted out the words to The Revelation Song. All of a sudden as she sang out her passion nothing really mattered any more. The only thing that mattered was the place of her heart, and that was a beautiful thing. At first it seemed a little different and then I saw this beautiful woman before me, pure, blameless, and totally wonderful. She was incredible her testimony through song left me speechless. She was in total adoration of a father in heaven.

It's a different kind of love that Elizabeth has for her father in heaven. It's a new kind of worship- it's a worship and love that I can certainly learn from.

As I continue on my journey ministering to the people of our small "city" that we have here in my area I continue to see that maybe it's not so much me opening doors and ministering to them, as it is them ministering to me. May we all continue to be open vessels for the Lord to use.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Reading & Running

Seems like my days have been full of two things lately, reading and running. Which has reminded me that I really love both of them a lot. I have read multiple textbooks start to finish along with other supplemental reading and then reading just for the fun of it. It seems like my brain is about to expand beyond limits!!

Anyways, as I was eating breakfast this morning I found myself digging into a new book: The Notebook of Elbert Hubbard. It's an old book however, it has timeless advice and thoughts within it. It starts out with "Emerson loved the good more than he abhorred evil- Carlyle abhorred evil more than he loved good."

It made me stop a bit as I thought about how that's something I think sometimes we need to work on as a society. We need to remember what is evil and really let ourselves be convicted by the evil that we are faced with but we also need to remember that there is so much good that can be attested to and enjoyed. Then the excerpt goes on to say: "If you should by chance find anything in this book you do not especially like, it is not at all wise to focus your memory on that"

I once read an illustration of how we are to write the bad memories or hurtful ones in the sand and then write the good ones upon rocks. So then as we look back we remember and live with only the good memories and the bad ones are washed away with high tides. However, I think that sometimes we fall into this pit especially myself, where I am writing things on the sand that is practically to the beach houses... As if to say, well God, I will forgive this person when you get water all the way up to the beach houses. However, what I think I must not forget is that it's not really all about when the water hits the message- but why I am holding a grudge. Ephesians 4:32 states: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you. It makes me wonder how directly I fulfill this on a daily basis... I have found especially in the work setting I am letting some of the biggest annoyances I have found in my co- workers define who they are... I get frustrated and angry and I am not truly reflecting God.

I have really thought about what it looks like to not only be a Christ follower, but someone who is consumed by Christ. If we are truly and fully consumed by Christ, what does that look like? How can we achieve that?

In closing:

"The supreme prayer of my heart is not to be learned, rich, famous, powerful or even good, but simply to be radiant. I desire to radiate health, cheerfulness, calm courage and good- will. I wish to live without hate, whim, jealousy, envy, or fear. I wish to be simple, honest, frank, natural, clean in mind and clean in body, unaddected- to say "I do not know," if it be so, and to meet all men on an absolute equality, to face any obstacle and meet every difficulty unabashed and unafraid. I wish others to live their lives, too, up to their highest, fullest and best. To that end I pray that I may never meddle, interefere, dictate, give advice that is not wanted, or assist when my services are not needed. If I can help people, I'll do it by giving them a chance to help themselves; and if I can uplift or inspire, let it be by example, inference and suggestion, rather than by injunction and dictation. That is to say I desire to be Radiant- to Radiate Life!" -Elbert Hubbard

Saturday, June 12, 2010

"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real - Lyrics

Another song that just hit me really hard... Giving in to something heavenly...

Friday, June 11, 2010

My heart, my passion, my everything...

So the past few weeks I have had everyone up in arms over hair washing. I quit washing my hair around 2 weeks ago now and well, not that they could TELL that my hair was dirty... Because, quite honestly, it looked and smelled the same. They were all very bothered by my latest experiement. I decided I wanted to see what it was like to give up small little things that I seem to take for granted, I wanted to know what it was like to live without. The more God stirs in my heart about people and the people of this world... The more I desire and wonder about what it's like to do different things and how I can change things to help others.

So, as an expeirment I wondered if I decreased my washing of hair, if it would change my hair. I recently read that in 6 months of not washing your hair your natural oils in your hair would actually compinsate for the loss of hair washing. So I figured, what the heck! Why not try it? So for the beginning of this little expeirment nothing really changed. My hair actually felt the same and definately looked the same! So after nothing had really changed, I found myself challenging the system a little. I wondered why it was such a big deal to wash your hair if it didn't do anything and if I could pinch a few pennies and save a little. Why not? So I continued not washing my hair. Word got out to my grandmother and she wanted to put a quick kabosh to it.

At dinner last night, the topic came up for around the 3rd or 4th time since she had gained knowledge of my shampoo-less lifestyle. My grandpa said something that made me think: He said sometimes you have to go without in the mission field. And my grandma said: But she's not in the missions field! And he said she started Monday. And that's when I realized it's true in a lot of ways! I am living out a missionary lifestyle through my work on a daily basis. I am still trying to discern what it looks like to be accepting God's love on a daily basis. I think that's my greatest struggle... However, it's getting there.

Anyways! Back to my hair. I am back to washing my hair again and I guess it feels a lot softer since I have returned to my hair washing lifestyle. However, I am challenged by what it feels like to live without. I am really interested in these new thoughts and things that are arousing my heart. The passions others have, the passions I have... I am learning more and more about people around me and the assults on people's hearts. I pray that God continues to work in the world and in the hearts of each of us. Just some random thoughts today nothing too weighted! Happy Summer!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Re-Post of someone else's thoughts....

I got this blog post in an e-mail today... It made me stop and think, it's so what I needed to be reminded of... But I guess it's just so hard. It's the battle deep within my heart. It's the anger it's the sorrow, it's everything that I am confused about. I just think constantly about God, and His love for me. He's the front of my mind but then he's in the back again. I don't know, sometimes it feels like things are just twisting around inside you.

Desperate for Reassurance
10 Jun 2010
Lysa TerKeurst

"Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)

For the past couple of months I've needed to sense God's most tender mercies more than ever. It's not that I'm going through any kind of crisis. I just feel completely desperate for Him.

If you've ever heard me give my testimony you know part of what I share is being a little girl twirling around next to my daddy wishing I could know that he loved me. Maybe in his own way, he did love me. But something was broken in our relationship that left me feeling desperate for reassurance.

Over the years, God has healed my heart in miraculous ways. God has whispered all those things I wished my earthly father would have said. I know for sure God's love for me is deep, unwavering, and certain.

But there are still times I catch myself twirling again. Crying out again. Wishing I could feel totally secure. Hating my insecurities. And mad that this struggle I thought was over, surfaces still.

Maybe it always will.

And maybe that's not such a bad thing.

For it keeps me desperate for a reassurance I can't get any other way. It keeps me desperate for God.

I can hear my husband tell me a hundred times that he loves me and no, my backside isn't big...and still feel my heart desperately twirling.

I can stand in an arena with thousands of people clapping for the message I just gave... and still feel my heart desperately twirling.

I can conquer my food demons and finally fit back into my skinny jeans... and still feel my heart desperately twirling.

The only thing that stops the desperation, the uncertainties, the insecurities, the for the Spirit of God to lay across my heart and make it still. The blanket of His presence and His protection is the only perfect fit for the deep creases and crevices carved inside me.

I don't know what tough things you've been through in your life sweet sister, but I do know brokenness is universal. We all have things in life that trigger deep insecurities and our own personal twirling about looking for reassurance.

But here's the amazing thing.

While brokenness is universal-God's redemption is also universal for those who proclaim Christ as Lord. No matter what cracks and crevices we have in our heart, if we seek the truth of God above all else He is enough to fill in those raw places. "Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you" (Philippians 4:8-9).

Have you caught your heart twirling, desperate for reassurance lately? Today, spend a few minutes letting these truths fill your mind and seep into those desperate places of your heart:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).

I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:17-18).

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).

Dear Lord, may Your spirit fall fresh upon each of us today. Remind us. Reassure us. Rest upon us. Help us to be still and know that You are our loving God. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sweetly Broken

We sang this song a lot at school this past year... My question of my heart today is, am I really wholly surrendered? Am I totally surrendered to God?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Feeling Alone...

Lately even under the influence of wonderful friends and people around me, I have felt really alone in the midst of my greatest beliefs and convictions. Lately more so than ever I have been asking God what it looks like to radically love. One of the deepest desires of my heart is to radically love with everything I have...

There is a quote that was used in a sermon at church recently and it went like this:

"How many people are radically and permanently repelled from the way of Christ by Christians who are unfeeling, stiff, unapproachable, boring, lifeless, obsessive and dissatisfied? Yet, such Christians are everywhere and what they're missing is the wholesome liveliness springing up from a balanced vitality within God's loving rule." - Dallas Willard

We all have these boundary markers as it was said we have these rules that have nothing to do with our faith that have made things seem like if you do something like that it's practically a sin. Some examples are you're not a Christian if you listen to anything other than Christian music... Though that may be a personal conviction that God has set on your heart, it doesn't mean it's a conviction that is set on everyone's hearts. The problem is not what convictions lie on your heart but it's when convictions that are not biblical become other people's convictions because of you. That's when there is a problem. So when you're pressing what God is doing in your life on every one elses lives so to speak...

I know that lately this has been somewhat of an issue for me and also something I am struggling with on the part of others. Everyone seems to think they know what's best for me and everyone wants to tell me how to deal with my ex, he doesn't deserve this or that, and I shouldn't do this or that. It also goes a bit further, at work I have been challenged with the people around me and their jokes and the hurtful words that they say... The attitudes that people have in the stores. It seems like God has made me become an ultra sensitive person to the harden hearted people around me and their carnal desires.

I have been seeking God and his will and desires and it makes me realize that yes, I could be mean or close myself off but lately, it has been much harder to love selflessly and be a woman of God in a lot of places in my life. I have felt like it's almost a little challenge I have but it's funny, when I pray for God to give me the strength I need or to open my eyes... I do feel peace and I know it's of Him. I don't know, I guess I look around and I see my Christ loving friends and it seems like everyone is looking to me to seek revenge or to quit showing love that I show to everyone. I guess in my heart I long to do that, but even more than that bitterness I feel like it's trying so hard when I am mean or I reject... It's not what I am wired to do. It shouldn't be what any of us are wired to do.

Sometimes I wonder if we have forgotten, no matter what the past is with the other brothers and sisters in the body of Christ we still must work together towards one common goal and good. I am well aware that forgiveness is not acceptance and that I do not accept things at face value. But at the same time forgiveness is not bitterness and God must heal us totally and restore us to people of Him. Showing "tough" love is quite important... But I think our body of Christ is looking for so many ways and avenues to put this concept of tough love into practice. What ever happened to just pouring out pure love?

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

I guess I am sick of people putting on faces of great grace and love but not showing it in their daily actions.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Oh How he Loves us....

God is so faithful, and so incredibly GOOD!

God knows our every movement and he knows the deer of the field as well. I have found confidence in putting my faith into a God that is much bigger than I am. Sunday morning was one for the history books for sure... We hit a deer and it was my first real official car accident and it was the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

However, we were protected and though the car was greatly damaged, I know how bad it could have been and it was so incredibly scary... I found that I had a new comfort in the Lord when I praised in church this Sunday... I knew God had his hand on me and I knew without a doubt that he protected our car after hitting the deer we drove through one of the worst storms I have ever driven through. At times there was zero visibility and it was really black and green in the air. Even then, God was with us.

I guess this Sunday after all of the happenings, I was thankful to be alive, but even more than that I was thankful to know I serve a God much bigger than me. This week has been a battle for me and it seems like it comes from all sides and when I am least expecting it, God reminds me of his faithfulness and love. Sometimes it's in the quiet of the day, or in an infant's cry, and most of all it's in the every day things of life it seems. I have found that more and more it's like even in the "missed" opportunities, God is providing in other ways, and greater ways than I could even know.

To update even further on my life, I have started working at the local hospital and it's totally what I believe I am supposed to be doing right now. I had much reservation about this summer and my plans. I felt like everything was too much, I was bogged down it was too crazy and I couldn't do it. However, God has reminded me that I am right... I cannot do it. It's through Him that I am able. And for this I am forever grateful. It's encouraging for me to know that things are coming to an understanding that I believe I know... This summer I will be growing through the Chronicles of a Clinical Assistant. What there is to see and do on the forefront of the hospital lines, tackling apathy, anguish, and awe, on a daily basis. This is my mission that the Lord has given me and what shall I do? Just as the Lord requires of me to act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly before our God (revised from Micah 6:8). I am incredibly excited and I know that God is opening hearts and doors to experience His love.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Who is doing the gardening?

Recently as I was doing article reviews for a class I came across this little parable of sorts:

The story is told of a church–going farmer who was complimented by a
fellow congregant, “That is a fine garden you and the Lord have
there, brother.” To this, the old farmer replied, “Yes, but you should
have seen what it looked like when the Lord was doing the gardening

The idea I got behind this whole concept was what does it look like when God is doing our gardening on his own? For God creates beautiful plants and everything else but we must continue to weed them and nurture them and look over our own gardens. I have found that in relationships and in other courses of life we tend to expect God to do our weeding. Slowly prayer becomes more about fix this or transform that: We begin bargaining with God. If you want this to work God, please make the person see my side of things.

As we pray I believe we need to remember what we are praying for and be careful of our wording changing the wording from making the person see things the way you do to praying for a softened heart is a lot different. God wants us to rely on Him and His power and glory above all else and in the end it's about co-laboring versus carrying the yoke by ourselves or expecting God to pick up all of the weeding alone.

If we really put our relationship with God in a human sense, it's easy to see that doing the mundane tasks of every day are a lot more fun and pass quickly when done with others. The old adage many hands make light work, so wouldn't it be the same that as we're weeding our lives out and picking out the bad and replacing things that could be harmful with good rich soil that we would do it with God? Discuss things with Him, wrestle with Him, and ultimately try to seek His will above all else. As we "garden" our lives it will go a lot faster and easier if we talk and keep constant communication with our creator.

When God does things on His own totally the garden may get filled with weeds and other things because God's original intention for man was to be in constant relationship with Him. As we explore the very beginning of Genesis it might be easy to imagine that after the first few days before the fall of man, Adam and Eve would chill with God and discuss their day with Him. Just spending time with their creator and sharing the excitement of all of the new discoveries they had made.

Taking our lives to a deeper level and exploring the heart of God will only cause us to take our own lives to a deeper level and explore our own hearts. Sometimes that comes in silent reflection and other times it comes with the bible or prayer... However, in the end we must remind ourselves our heart is still the dwelling place of the holy spirit so when we begin to seek deep within ourselves chances are, we'll run into our maker.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How can we go wrong with love?

The past few weeks I have been ever increasingly aware of the word love. We focus on it in society in a number of different ways and we make it the center of a lot of movies and plots. There are constantly allusions to love and when it comes down to it, we all want to feel it.

Biblically, Jesus states it is the greatest commandment, to love our neighbor as ourselves. In Ephesians in reference to marriage Paul states: After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.

So it is the question of my heart as a woman, how can we go wrong with love and pouring out love? How can loving someone with complete and total selfless love be un-biblical? Well, being totally selfless can lead down a path of destruction just as equally as being selfish to your own body. Proverbs 4:23 states: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

It is easy to read those words and believe that you are doing so and still be blind to the road of destruction you are being led to. Personally, I have found myself struggling with this path of finding truth and living it out. So much comes from the heart and lives within our hearts, and when we are not focused on God: satan can be deceitful within our hearts.

In Mark 7: 17- 23 comes this story: After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. "Are you so dull?" he asked. "Don't you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him 'unclean'? For it doesn't go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body." (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods "clean.")
He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' "

This is how we can go wrong with love, our hearts can get confused and fogged up as the unclean fills our heart and we mistake the wickedness within our hearts for love. We mistake lust for love and our carnality begins to take over our lives. Impure and ashamed we find that people around us are seeing us as great people of character and of noble qualities but inside God knows our truest hearts and He sees our struggles with the pain of sin and the battle we face against the inward sin. I find it interesting that we look to Catholicism and we place blame on them for having idols made of clay when we look at their statues that they have outside their places of worship. But I believe as a Christian church we have done something even more dangerous than that, we have looked around to man and we have seen people that we look up to and we have placed them on a pedestal within our own lives.

Those people have become our reflection of Christ. The scary thing is, we begin to fear what others would begin to think of us more than we fear Christ... We know that God can forgive us but we don't dare tell those closest to us, we hide deeper and deeper and try to protect our dignity on the level of earth as our lives spiral out of control before our eyes. Soon our hearts that were filled with excitement for the growth of church find it harder and harder to look forward to prayer. We find things that were once joyful now just a burden on our hearts and we become bitter. I guess before you know it, you feel like you never truly were happy and that the idea of true love and happiness in anything is just a myth or a story tale.

We don't look to Christ for our vision, we look to those around us... We cover our eyes and we try to hide behind layers of sin and apathy. The sin becomes easier to do and there is no accountability and it just doesn't seem like it's really as bad as everyone made it out to be in the first place. Confession becomes harder because as you hide in the shadows and no one finds out about the trouble you're facing. It's easier and easier to put a false mask upon your face and be the Christian everyone expects you to be. Your relationship with Christ is sincere in the sense you love Him and are passionately in love with Him... But at the very same time, you are aware that you aren't being honest with Him and that you just continue to repent and repeat the actions again... No boundaries, no accountability and now you just don't care.

I guess right now in my faith walk, this is the scariest thing to me is how easy it is to hide. We can walk around wearing masks and no one asks any questions... No one tries to pry and then when people do pry, we find it easier and easier to build up anger and lies and frustration and slowly the people who care most for us are exhausted and give up. Maybe that song, slow fade isn't such a crazy concept but something that I know I have experienced in my own life... One morning, you wake up, and you have become someone you never expected you would be. You don't know who Christ is anymore and your best friend isn't God... You have faded away and no one stopped you. For me, it took one encounter to begin re-evaluating my life... But it's a process to continue searching and begin a relationship with God again.

I plan on continuing to blog as my heart is broken and restored... I believe the church needs to rise, they need to come behind it's people, and above all else we must realize there is no pedestal to place it's members we are all part of the same body and we all fall, fail, and need a cover of love and compassion. Just as the Lord has forgiven us we shall forgive our brothers and sisters in Christ.