Feeling Alone...

Lately even under the influence of wonderful friends and people around me, I have felt really alone in the midst of my greatest beliefs and convictions. Lately more so than ever I have been asking God what it looks like to radically love. One of the deepest desires of my heart is to radically love with everything I have...

There is a quote that was used in a sermon at church recently and it went like this:

"How many people are radically and permanently repelled from the way of Christ by Christians who are unfeeling, stiff, unapproachable, boring, lifeless, obsessive and dissatisfied? Yet, such Christians are everywhere and what they're missing is the wholesome liveliness springing up from a balanced vitality within God's loving rule." - Dallas Willard

We all have these boundary markers as it was said we have these rules that have nothing to do with our faith that have made things seem like if you do something like that it's practically a sin. Some examples are you're not a Christian if you listen to anything other than Christian music... Though that may be a personal conviction that God has set on your heart, it doesn't mean it's a conviction that is set on everyone's hearts. The problem is not what convictions lie on your heart but it's when convictions that are not biblical become other people's convictions because of you. That's when there is a problem. So when you're pressing what God is doing in your life on every one elses lives so to speak...

I know that lately this has been somewhat of an issue for me and also something I am struggling with on the part of others. Everyone seems to think they know what's best for me and everyone wants to tell me how to deal with my ex, he doesn't deserve this or that, and I shouldn't do this or that. It also goes a bit further, at work I have been challenged with the people around me and their jokes and the hurtful words that they say... The attitudes that people have in the stores. It seems like God has made me become an ultra sensitive person to the harden hearted people around me and their carnal desires.

I have been seeking God and his will and desires and it makes me realize that yes, I could be mean or close myself off but lately, it has been much harder to love selflessly and be a woman of God in a lot of places in my life. I have felt like it's almost a little challenge I have but it's funny, when I pray for God to give me the strength I need or to open my eyes... I do feel peace and I know it's of Him. I don't know, I guess I look around and I see my Christ loving friends and it seems like everyone is looking to me to seek revenge or to quit showing love that I show to everyone. I guess in my heart I long to do that, but even more than that bitterness I feel like it's trying so hard when I am mean or I reject... It's not what I am wired to do. It shouldn't be what any of us are wired to do.

Sometimes I wonder if we have forgotten, no matter what the past is with the other brothers and sisters in the body of Christ we still must work together towards one common goal and good. I am well aware that forgiveness is not acceptance and that I do not accept things at face value. But at the same time forgiveness is not bitterness and God must heal us totally and restore us to people of Him. Showing "tough" love is quite important... But I think our body of Christ is looking for so many ways and avenues to put this concept of tough love into practice. What ever happened to just pouring out pure love?

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

I guess I am sick of people putting on faces of great grace and love but not showing it in their daily actions.