Update.

I wanted to update, I have so many mixed emotions about what is going on it isn't even anything concrete. There is not one emotion stronger than any other. I could write about dancing through a storm that is larger than I, or I could write about how I am so excited to see graduation day come and how exhilarating I can imagine the moment of walking across the stage. However I feel things need explanation. Clarification if you will... I wish I had more but I will share what I have, for I this is all I can do.

Tuesday, March 24th I went to the ER with bluish hands and shaking. I felt as though I could not get warm and things were well on their way of heading south. That evening I had a small seizure upon getting to triage after waiting around 2 hours to get to triage. That evening we could not find our thermometer so we had them take my temperature upon arrival to the hospital and it was around 98 by the time we reached triage it had raised significantly. I cannot give an exact number. It was also this night I had a scare with pneumonia in my left lung. There was significant shadowing on my left lung that caused them to believe there was fluid. I also had a fever and I was very drowsy. Two doctors felt I had pneumonia. I became very drowsy in the ER and ended up getting tired enough to sleep and not arouse to anyone even through multiple blood draws and blood cultures. I remember nothing after I fell asleep. I was wiped out. They decided to admit me after taking the blood cultures and since I was not awake.

That week from the 24th to date I have had three more blood cultures. The original blood culture was felt to be contaminated but was positive with coagulase negative staphylococcus and Granulicatella Adiacens both bacterium were growing upon the reading of my cultures. It was a collaborative decision between a infectious disease doctor as well as my PCP to start Vacomycin by Wednesday or Thursday. By the weekend of the 28th, our prom weekend they had decided to discontinue Rocephine or Ceftriaxone. Due to the continuation of fevers they wanted to be sure that they were not drug induced fevers. This confused me until I understood what was going on a little more. The infectious disease doctor consulted with us again to explain what his views on everything were and 1 in 4 patients that he has seen are able to get over this within the 2 week course of Vacomycin. In some cases however, the patient has not been able to get over this hump in that case the port, of which they have now figured to be infected due to certain cultures that have been taken- may not be able to be brought back to sterile. In these cases it results in removal of the port.

My Primary Care Physician stated he felt that my port would have to be removed due to the circumstances and explaining things such as the immune complex along with the fact that plastic has no fighter cells to get rid of infection upon settling in a device such as my port. When my Primary Care Physician met with us I asked many questions including questions about the bacteria and why I would have gotten the infection. He considered this and said among many things it could just be because of all of the pokes that I had received or just a simple cut somewhere. It is very easy to get bacteria into the bloodstream. With all things considering and having my port for a year we were told the risks and benefits of removing the port immediately (April 1st). I asked him to wait until Monday- so we could discuss the thoughts as well as wait for the latest blood culture to see if there were any changes. He said he felt this was a good decision and he would support it. Since I have continued to have high fevers and extreme chills mostly at night and sometimes during the day. We feel a persistent infection is in my port and it will have to be removed. He said chances are the infection is still there. Where the heart has come in, is that the port is in my chest and near my heart. In some cases a heart valve can become infected so they have ordered echo cardiograms to check out my chest cavity to make sure we're covering all of our bases.

What does all of this basically mean? I will need two surgeries that will remove the infected port and insert a new port. Once this happens I should be back onto my road with recovery.

Along this road of sickness I have lost my ability to walk. The sensation in my legs is slowly being lost and my feet are not working properly. I have been working with physical therapy and I believe that I will be okay it is just going to take some working out to get them back to normal. I don't understand what goes on with my legs but I do believe they are always the first to go. I have also experienced some incontinence which is both embarrassing and quite stressful for me. However, this is just a stage in the grand scheme of things and I believe it will be fine.

As far as school- it honestly hasn't crossed my mind until today. I can honestly say I have not picked up my physics book and have not tried to sleep with my American History book to process the information through osmosis. That is for a later date. I have been trying to keep in touch with the teachers I currently have especially my physics teacher because I am not so sure it will be easy to catch back up in that class. However he seems to be confident that he will be able to help me. College is another thought and I have considered taking a year off because with the financial burden and the physical burden I am quite weary of setting foot in that scene if I cannot afford it in any way shape or form anyways. It breaks my heart to consider that yet it seems to be reality at the moment.

I also wanted to go through some basic vocabulary right now that could through some for a ringer:

Port: A port is a small device usually made of silicone or plastic that is surgically implanted beneath the skins surface and connected to an artery that leads directly to your heart.

PCP: Primary Care Physician

Blood Culture: A blood test that is done when serious infection is suspected. It can identify bacteria or fungi that are spreading through the bloodstream. (http://www.thegooddoctor1.com/glossary.html#B)

Coagulase Negative Staphylococcus: Basically is a bacteria in the bloodstream that carries many anti-bodies. It can become severe but is not deadly and is carried within every-one's skin, just like everything- too much of this can be a bad thing.

Graulicatella Adiacens: Also a bacteria within the bloodstream common among prothstetics such as my port. This bacteria is commonly associated with things such as ports or any other sort of prothstetic.

Rocephine (Ceftriaxone) and Vacomycin: Both antibiotics used to treat infection. We have been using Rocephine for the Lyme disease both are IV antibiotics and have been being administered through my port.

If you have any questions please direct them to me I will attempt to answer them. I do not understand everything that is going on at this moment but this is what I understand.

As many of you know tomorrow is Sunday and is church. Next weekend is Easter and I would really love to be at the service and worship with everyone it is looking as though it could be cutting it close getting this all to fit in one week and being healthy enough to make it to church by Easter. This is something I will cross next weekend. However, my admissions counselor shared this song saying it reminded her of my situation. As I listened to it again, it really hit me. He really has never let go of me through the calm and through the storm... The song is You Never Let Go.

There will be an end to these troubles... I can see a light that is commin'!

God's timing is perfect. This is not his disease but I am his work.

(Please ignore the grammar and if it doesn't make sense at times- I am very tired but I wanted to update with the information I had.)

One Word. One Year. One God.

So I was reading some different posts over the last while and I saw this site. However I gave it little thought and kept going on my with my day. Sometimes I can't focus on things or I loose sight of what is going on. I can't focus on things or what I am reading. So if I feel like at those times I get worried I will miss something or miss the message that is being sent so I avoid doing it or reading the action all together.

I realize this post is a little late but I thought about it and went to http://www.myoneword.org/ to see what the hype was about. In that time I went to the site I kind of got a focus on it and the videos really stood out to me. I watched them all and began thinking about my word. What is something that would help me not only live a better life but help me really be able to focus on the Lord even more than I am already. That's when I thought of relax. Sometimes we need to relax before the Lord and let him work in our lives. We need to let things go and just let him take hold. So I want to take my day to day life and relax. I think it really is a word that has stood out in my life. So often I strive to do things and get things accomplished, however are the things I am doing God honoring, I mean the tasks might not be a sin but are they really what God is speaking in my life? Or something I want?

I think that so often I can't relax and I get worked up over things such as getting a project done or seeing a new project but I don't see the daily "wins" as I go through life. The littlest things. It's easy to get caught up in the big picture. I guess it has been really put on my heart to put all things in God's hands and let myself just relax, listen and accept. It's easy to go on and think you're letting God take hold but once you give things to him you're supposed to let go and not stress. There is an analogy I have heard used with sand that you hold sand in your hand and grip it so tight and then you give it to God and then you hold it in your grasp again, slowly things start to wither away and as you grasp it and let go soon it is no longer there at all. So maybe instead of figuring things out 100% of the time it's better to relax.

So my one word of the year is relax.

Home, Hopeful, and feeling a tad bit better!

After the last post I wasn't feeling too great so I didn't want to post again for a bit until I knew I was okay and what was going on. I am pretty sure I have been fighting something viral as well as the herxing from the new IV antibiotics. So it has been a little intense here at the house and who knows what still lies ahead but I have been doing my IV at home and got my port needle changed this week for the first time and now that will be weekly as well as antibiotics IV daily. Along with everything else that I was taking before.

I know the medical stuff to some is a little redundant or kinda boring but for the last 3 weeks it has kind of taken over my life. I have been feeling so crappy some nights sleeping isn't an option till around 1 or 2 in the morning and some nights even 3 am! So it has been a struggle to get my thoughts on other things, like my 18th birthday and college. I just got accepted to a college near home, Roberts Wesleyan and it would be enough away from home that I wouldn't be in my backyard but coming home wouldn't be an issue either. I can't wait to hear from the other college I applied to and start to decide about things like that! Ha. So basically I am just going on and trying to figure out what can be done and what is left to do to make sure I am able to graduate in June.

I also am excited about going to church tomorrow and getting back to youth group after 2 weeks of missing it...

It seems as though I am in for a ride and need to hold on tight but after this week I don't doubt that anything is impossible, through Christ who strengthens me.

2008 in photos

2008 brought many things both new, old and otherwise- here is a photo for every month for the year of 2008. I am sad to see it go but ready for all of the new beginnings that are yet to unfold. Happy New Year! May this New Year bring all of you a new beginning and health and happiness to you and your loved ones.

World AIDS day

Today has been recognized as World AIDS day and I was interested in this mainly because I just fasted from facebook a popular social networking system for teens and adults now as well. For me personally it was interesting I didn't realize how much I relied on facebook to keep in contact with people from school, church, and people I didn't get to see that frequently. I also found it interesting what other people were "attached" to... Things like secular music, coffee, and soda were among some of the other things given up for 40 days. The idea was then to raise $40 or a dollar a day for Reach 4 Life. I was first introduced to this cause over the summer at NTS camp or Never The Same. We listened to Micah a guy who had been to Africa and talked about the generation gap in the country. There was just a blank gap from the ages like 20-30 where the generation had just died off because of AIDS. I was in shock to think of people just dying like that and then to hear that grandfathers were sleeping with grandchildren thinking they would become cured if they slept with a virgin. It breaks my heart to hear of these stories of people who aren't educated about what is going on in their country. The cause we supported as a youth group promotes purity and abstaining. I am so thankful we live in a country where we are educated and know how to deal with so much. Today I pray for those other countries where there are generation gaps and orphans running the streets, it really breaks my heart.

I write tonight with an overwhelmed and thankful heart

I don't know why I want to write a blog tonight but I know that I want to-

Have you ever had a moment, day or week that just didn't seem to be going how you thought it would? Did you ever feel left out or lonely?

I have had an overwhelming amount of emotion pouring out of me lately both of thanks, frustration and pain. I can't even begin to explain how much I have been hit with thoughts of getting better if I moved away to a treatment center. Pain in my stomach nothing there, feeling crazy trying to ignore it only to find myself in a deeper world of confusion. I don't really know if there is anything that can explain what I am going through I don't think there is a cure but I do believe in miracles.

I see people sad I see people complain about pain or aches and not feeling like they can stand and I sit and I wonder how much did I gripe and complain before I went through this. Yet I know I still do. I wonder in amazement how much this disease has changed me- how much I love life and notice more and more how short our days are. I just think we can't waste this precious time we do have for it shouldn't be taken for granted. I love life and I love the ability to walk. Today I broke out in a run yes, a run not a short paced thing but a run and it made me feel so full so complete and so blessed. Even last week I don't know if I had the confidence to walk without assistance and now, I am daring to run? Yes, I have fallen and I know it is dangerous to me- but I did it and I felt very accomplished and full. I was quite excited actually. I have also come up with my last two wishes for Christmas.

My biggest wish is to become a better person and seek more in God and less in people. I don't think I need to worry about what others think because it was the people who dared to be different and dared to step in the dark that let light on things that were "impossible". One of the Wright brothers said that he didn't think humans would fly for another 25 years and he contradicted his statement soon after. I am amazed I am at peace and I am finding, I want to share love and peace with others. It is a scary world as I have said before one of quick accusations and few long term friendships. One of hate and accepting of wrong things. I just think in these next few months as my advent to Christmas, instead of a gift to me- I am going to give a gift to others and work to make peace throughout other things.

I just want to say, thank you to the person who made my prayer shawl- thank you to those who have helped me come this far. There have been many who have shaped me and loved me and shown me what true compassion was. Tonight, I have yet another spot-light person

Kori-
Kori is a lot like me, we joke saying we're like twins. I met her at camp and since then I would consider her my closest friend, mentor and advisor. She is the kindest person she is gentle and she is wonderful in so many ways. She gives me undivided attention and loves me like a sister. She has shown me the world through different eyes, although she is realistic she shows me life through happiness and love. She knows how to make me laugh and she shows me aspects so that I can see things more clearly she defines things and she encourages me to go the extra mile in what I do. She has blessed me with her friendship and I can't even say how thankful I am to have her here for me. She is going to school to be a nursing student and I think she will make a fine one at that- although sometimes she is stressed, she can always make a little time to chat. She is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. She is fabulous and she shines through everything she does. Thank you isn't enough but it's all I have- so thanks.

I have one thing I would like to put in lastly, something that weighs very heavy on my heart. I know that I have readers both from near and far and I would like you, if you see this to pray for my small group leader- Jessica. We don't share things out of our small group but this week is going to be stressful for her since she still does have school since she is in college. She is facing things that are going to be difficult for her, I pray for wisdom and peace of mind as she goes through this week. She is a remarkable young lady and she pours her heart out to our small group. She really deserves prayer.

I am thankful for so much I hope you're finding thanks in your life to- God, thank you for my legs and ability to walk, you're my hero.

church

Today I am thankful for the freedom of religion. As I get ready dragging myself out of bed this morning to go to church. There is a video I watched one day that showed someone joking around and sneaking into a back pew late to church just getting his card swiped so he could get credit for college. Then you see another person in Asia who has to sneak with a bible in an empty cereal box. Sometimes I wonder if I really even realize what it's like for some and what they really go through. I take religion and my love for God for granted a lot today but in some countries even writing this they might hunt me down find me and take me to a prison or I don't even know. Due to my lack of knowledge. Does anyone know a little more about the religious prosecution in other countries?

Anyhow, I am thankful for this. I am thankful for our country and what we have. I speak a lot of church and how happy I am with it and I know this but that is because, frankly it's the only place I feel I can go and be myself. There are such warm hearted people there and people that care that I can't imagine finding hope in a better place. I can only hope that everyone has a place to go to like that this holiday season.

Sing, Sing, Sing!

I am feeling a little better today still not myself really, I don't understand what is going on lately but I feel happy about some things like my friends. I am really blessed to have such wonderful and compassionate friends. Although sometimes my "normal" friends seem to have a hard time understanding how to be compassionate they have all been so good to me. I am really thankful that I have a decent support system through my church especially without the people from my church I don't feel like I would be able to keep much faith in God. They have encouraged me in days when I had doubt and I have really began to seek faith for myself now.

I would just like to spot-light a blogger today:
Kimber it's rare that people actually show themselves while reading my blog, people I don't know anyways. Really, this is for my family so anyone else who finds encouragement by this is just a lucky person I guess. But she has put me on her blog-roll and I have felt honored I began reading her blog and she is quite an avid blogger, she puts me to shame that's for sure. But she has a kind heart and she has really just made me realize that my blog may be one in a million out there but it's out there and impacting people. She's a wonderful mother, and I think her son would agree! Thanks Kimber.

Speechless.

Sometimes you never know what might be in store, other times you make an educated guess of the exact possibilities; just to realize that it's not really how you expected it to be. Well I have done that many times sometimes to be disappointed, sometimes to be surprised. I just am amazed at how even though you think you have everything all together you- even if deep inside you know that there is something still pulling at a heart string, God wakes you up and makes you realize you still haven't done everything to his complete and full glory.

This isn't about me, but this is about him. Our God and how amazing he is. He has changed who I am and last night we had Leeland come out to our church. I was nervous about even going- staying the whole night. What was to happen rocked my world and will be a day I never forget. Even if everything else doesn't pan out exactly how I am expecting it to, I know that God is taking care of things he is our ultimate provider, our Abba, our daddy. The beggining and the end. I cannot be serving a greater God and I guess now, I really don't believe in conisdence. Everything really does happen for one reason or another, even if I really don't get it. He will be ahead of me every step I go. I can only be amazed at how my friends at church have changed my life even more-so. Really, I am just amazed.

The title says it all. I guess, if you don't get this- maybe you weren't meant to. If you do, you might have been there, and if you were- thank you.

Weekend

This weekend is going to be busy- A baby shower today and perhaps a concert after church tomorrow at Victory Highway Wesleyan Church. Leeland is going to be there. The doors open at 6 and the concert is planned to start at 7. The concert is free but there will be a free-will offering. I encourage all who can come to come. It's going to be a good concert I guarantee it! Thanks for all of your prayers this week and hopefully things will continue to get better. How great is our God.

Your age gives you a title but your heart makes a story - Victoria Wilcox

Visible.
That's what the teens of Victory Highway youth group are.

They are heard clear understood and willing to help. I am amazed each and every day with how much they have helped me understand the world around me. I am encouraged by their spirits of kindness and their lives and love for others. Today I sold 36 Lyme disease awareness bracelets to 36 youth students. And we raised over $400.00 for the Lyme Walk! I am proud to say that I have a visible youth group who supports, loves, and shows their compassion and shines from the inside out.

We wouldn't be the youth we are without the people we have on our side and the encouragement we have received from our youth ministry staff and pastors and most of all our parents.

So way to go guys!

I just want to say a huge thank you to the two top contributors

Emily and Megan! Way to go girls! Thank you!

Tonight this youth group made my age fit with my heart and I felt like a teen. So it really means a lot to me to say Thanks!

The best gift I could ever be given.

Last night was the best gift I could ever be given... Last night I spoke at church to the senior high and it was so amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better more genuine audience. Many kids were more than receptive of my situation and how it played out. Many came up to me and said that they would pray for me and I know that I have touched a few lives and what gift is more worthwhile than the gift of eternity in heaven. I am so very blessed to be able to be a "missionary" through my story that I have lived. People are given hope and acceptance of their own lives through what life has given me. I am so very blessed. I don't know who touched who more the audience touching me and amazing me with their gracious hearts and open minds or my story- my life... Touching them! It was very amazing to be able to go up there and be there with strength I didn't realize I had to share my roller coaster ride. I cannot thank everyone who came enough! For it was an awesome night!

Spot-light-

There are a few well deserving people that will go in the spot-light today (along with a request for prayer for them, I know they are complete strangers but- every prayer counts!)

The Hart Family-
This family has a love of God and each other they are amazing beyond words could ever tell and they are faithful with their prayer and love for others. Mrs. Hart has a dedication to the services for others and love for teens. They came to visit me in the hospital and have continued to pray and help encourage me every step of the way. I am very blessed to have them in my life and most of all I am very glad they have been there thus far. I ask you to pray for their family as Mr. Harts brother goes through a difficult time with prostate cancer levels.

Pastor Chris-
I think he's going for an all time record of being my spot-light person. From my bedside at Arnot to my side at Victory praying with me and offering words of comfort... He really has opened my eyes to realize that if God has a vision anything can happen and the most inadequate words in my eyes become adequate for so many. It's amazing to see the work he has done for us as a student ministry and if I haven't mentioned it yet- we're all sad to see him go as he continues on his way to plant a new church in North Carolina. I ask for a few prayers for him and his family as he goes through this transition-
- That a name is formed for the church- there is still no name for the church and they cannot do tax things, etc. without a name for it.
- That Pastor Chris is at ease as he shares his story of life this upcoming Sunday and those who hear it have an uplifted heart about what he shares.
- That as a family they find connection and love through one another as they grow to know God and are able to continue to rely in his faith.

Last but not least and certainly the most important-

The Students that came to my testimony last night-
I hope they all have went to school today taking with them a new perspective on life with a new love for others and they continue to seek God and find what they need through the troubles that they face.
- Pray for each student and that they will be blessed and find love where they need it most.

Thanks for supporting me this far! (go ahead pat yourself on the back :))

I am very thankful for all those who have supported me and continue to support me. What a great thing it is to have in my favor.

Hope this is the beginning to another wonderful week-

Love,
Victoria

I Will Sing

Today's church message was very powerful and very fitting after I spoke to the Junior High youth group. It was a very moving day and I was really blessed. Today's post is a little out of the ordinary. I want to bring focus to the Lyrics of the song- I Will Sing by Don Moen and a few bible verses. Those of you who couldn't make it to church here is some of a very powerful message brought to you.

Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today.
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.

I will sing.
I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true.

I will sing.
Lord is hard for me to see all the thought and plan You have for me.
But I will put my trust in You.
Lord will meet Your guide to set me free.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.
I will sing.

I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain."
I will sing.
I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true.
I will sing. (2 times)
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUAz6HgNfnM)

Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

I have noticed answered prayer over these last few days although there is still so much going on I continue to have faith! What a wonderful Sunday and the wonderful weather surely has brightened the spirits!

Have a wonderful day,
Victoria

Feeble and Fortunate on a Friday

All morning and afternoon I slept as much as possible due to the fact I am trying to heal. I also was able to get up and moving around a little as the day went on. My right lung is still struggling a little and is very painful to breathe deep breaths but I keep trying to breath in and out nice and big to hopefully find it not so painful one of these times. I keep working with the blue thing that measures my air pressure and I can't seem to get it much further than zero. I thought it might be broken... But then my dad got it to 2000. So it's definitely not broken!

I am very fortunate that my father is home with me because although he and I can get a little upset with each other he stands up for me and he has helped me a great amount. He sticks by my side and tries to get as much as he can done in little amounts of time.

We're prepping for next Wednesday and I got some blood work done to check my levels and see how everything is going there today... So for the next few weeks I will continue to go to the hospital for my infusion and then hopefully after the placement of the port we will be able to just go once a week to get the needle changed... That's hopefully the new plan of attack will allow us to do the infusions at home like we were doing with the picc and give us a little more freedom so we aren't constantly at the hospital.

My body is weak and I can feel that but, I know that I can get through this and I am fortunate to have so many people to stand behind me...

Tonight- This goes out to ALL LYMIES everywhere and anywhere-

We're spot-lighted-

I have met some of the most miraculous people on my journey to good health and you know how they say in the US Army an Army of One? I visualize us all as an Army of one. For we must band together to be strong and carry on to support each other and help each other through the hardest of days. I hope that each lymie that reads this will take this and know each night, I pray for every lymie those who have been diagnosed and those who are yet to be diagnosed. This disease is not fun and has brought down families of many. And together we're standing strong to carry on and fight the disease that many doctors are ignorant of. So tonight I spot-light a large group of people my support system of other lymie's and I say here's to a cure in our future! I am doing my best to help the cure become a reality and you can too just by sharing a little bit of light about Lyme Disease and what you have learned.

Thanks so much guys!

There is one person especially and specifically I am choosing to spot-light that touched my life very deeply in the last 24 hours and deserves some glory and fame. Her name is Joy. Joy to me is a very wonderful woman on the inside and the outside and I met her my first time I did a play at church she played a character who was quite humorous and always bickering with our other "neighbor" in the play. Over time Joy and I have had limited contact and she and I haven't always been able to stay in touch. Although when we do see each other there is one thing Joy never lacks and that's a smile. She is so upbeat and she is such a wonderful woman. She amazes me with her faith in God and her sincere compassion towards children and her family. She continues to be strong even throughout all of the adversities she has spoken to me and not spoken to me. She really deserves to be a special spot-light and I am thankful for her. What an awesome woman. Thanks for bringing Joy to my life Joy!

I hope this weekend is full of lots of rest and healing... For church is just around the corner!

Love,

Victoria

I have learned.

So through having Lyme I have learned a little bit-

- I have learned that seeing friends in school is really important and really does help with motivation... Even though I didn't always love school.

- Nurses probably have the hardest job on the planet.

- Parents actually really do have the hardest job and I am amazed at how well my parents parent sometimes even though it's really frustrating.

- That nothing is impossible and allergies are always able to form.

- That social contact is REALLY important and I am not going to miss church this next weekend even if it means bringing me in on a hospital stretcher. (I need that refueling that I get when I go.)

- That really everything happens for a reason and that I have met some amazing people that I never would have met if it hadn't been for this disease- so I can't complain and that in itself is a gift.

- I have learned more medical terms and more about picc line's than many nurses will ever know or understand. And I am getting to know a lot about many different things that I never dreamed of and can use big words and know what I am talking about like Fibrin.

- Many people walk REALLY fast and that no one ever gets used to a teenager being sick and using a walker.

- How much 'normal' life really is taken for granted.

Most importantly-

How important my family is to me even though I can't always show it. And how much I miss my dog when I am not home in my own bed. She's always there for me.

(I don't want to go into details but- I need some major prayer. Things have been crazier...)

My spot-light person is Jessica Stevens and I will post more about her later. For now it's just important you pray for her as well.

Physical Therapy tomorrow!

So Much Thought No Time To Blog?

Well the last days have been busy I had church, Physical Therapy, a dentist appointment, Doctors Appointment... Seems like the list is never ending.

Sunday- God taught me a lot and yes I know just who it was it was him. I am a firm believer he is out there and yeah he is answering prayer! Maybe just MAYBE yes isn't the answer to healing me quite yet. Which got me thinking even more. I had a very powerful Sunday but writing it on this blog- is something I don't feel comfortable doing. (don't worry for all the worriers out there- it was nothing bad I did not go into the hospital, didn't disappear, or any of that.)

Monday- Another busy day we had to get up early to go to Physical Therapy and let me tell you I am not a morning person when it comes to getting up and going out into the cold weather. I was pretty cranky and tired I haven't still now (Tuesday) recovered from the lack of sleep I got on Saturday. If you haven't been to a concert it takes a lot of energy sitting there with all the lights and stuff especially after a busy day.

I am not really sure there is much more to update I have a lot of thinking to do and I meet with our youth pastor on Wednesday. He is a great man and I have a few things to discuss with him. Things are insane in my mind and I may not be around for a few days because I have to simply have to sort things out. Nothing bad, but I have God tugging on my heart and if I need to listen because I have ignored it for many months.

The Spotlight Person? There has been controversay on my mere little blog here spoken to me of who my spotlight person should be.

I have not chosen a person that you can see but only a person you can believe in someone of greater standard but also a man that is my father.

God-
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 COR 10:31
This story that you read of my up's my downs- yes they are all part of his perfect plan. The affliction I have faced is not really affliction at all but a testing of my faith and I believe that Sunday after 2 weeks of praying I wanted things black and white he gave me just what I was praying for and perhaps that was my first mistake. I took it though and he gave it to me. He is working on me for the glory of Him. "But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened."Take Courage. "1 Peter 3:14
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.: Philippians 1:6 Or as Proverbs 3:5-7 states- Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. So as I live my life as I understand what is going on I have no idea what the future holds but, it is for the Glory of God I live my life and I am his to make his own. I will continue to live each day as I did before but knowing that it's part of something perfect. He has a plan and I believe that and it's perfect to no end he will empower me and as one man said- "just because you are walking with a walker does not mean you don't have mobility. You are not completely helpless." I surrender on to him. As a card I recieved in the mail states -

"Isn't it good to know
there's a Great Physician
who still does things
the simple,
old-fashioned way...

He makes house calls,
He's available 24/7,

and He cares for you
more than you can ever know."

I felt it was most important and completely correct that I did today and actually the last few day's spotlight person as God- the constant provider for us and the only person who will always be there. I live this life not for the glory of man but for Him.

So with one's thoughts I might offend someone with using him but I do not fear because if this offends you I have chosen him then perhaps you should re-adjust your favorite blogs.

I am signing off now to get ready for the doctors.

Victoria

(bump) semi- urgent Prayer Request

My picc is acting up again... Now it's starting to come out of the site... The rash itself is clearing up but the white line is about an inch out instead of tight to my skin. There is also a lot of fluid draining from the insertion area. Prayer is important right now and in the hours to come. We are concerned of what happens next and how to go about things. My mom is calling the doctor at 1 after lunch to find out what to do. We also have an appointment already scheduled today so luckily we will see him no matter what.

Sometimes you do wonder how much one can take...

Thanks for your continued prayer and support.

Victoria

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. - e.e. cummings

Alright, So I am a very visual person. You can read to me but nothing hits me like a few photos. So I have made the below video to document the last few months of my life: (We also had a surplus of photos from the last hospital stay because we're using them for the Children's book I am illustrating.)

Good News! I did not cry yesterday after getting my hair done. It was a
relief. Today I feel quiet don't want to say much but do have a few things. Awhile ago my youth pastor shared with me how he disliked people trying to sell him things over the phone. He was like soon you end up in 20 minute conversations with them over their product. It frustrates him... So I got an idea I was intrigued by his disgust and like all of us usually are... Out for a
little fun!

So I decided I was going to be Gretchen from a pencil company. I called his number and he answered right away."Hello this is Gretchen from the pencil company we would like to help you share the message Jesus has in your heart and speak to your youth through our pencils"Pastor Chris started laughing and laughing... He had no idea who it was! Although he knew it was a joke... Every other kid would be in school. It was great! Soon I told him who I was and he thought it was even funnier. So yeah a sick kid can have a little fun once in awhile.

Today is my first official Inspirational Person... I thought long and hard about this and decided it would have to be someone who was noticed within the last 24 hours of my life upon doing something.

Today is Pastor Chris & his wife Ashley:

Okay so I remember Pastor Chris' first year at Victory youth group was on Wednesday nights and we did some pretty crazy stuff and sometimes got really messy. I almost think messy is an understatement when coming to the one kick off Sunday when they covered the new youth room with tarps and we did all sorts of relay races. I thought that he was crazy. To let us Middle School and High School students run through jello, run with eggs, pretty much it was A LOT worse than 100 finger painting 4 year olds. I was like wow. This doesn't even feel like youth group. I started going regularly on Wednesday nights and I really enjoyed it. I had never had a pastor touch me on such a deep level. He spoke with a southern accent yeah, but that didn't compare to the messages he shared with us about God and he really hit home almost every time I heard him speak. Soon youth group was moved to Sunday nights and I was unable to come as frequently because of schedule conflict. Although I did and still do go once in awhile. He has been an amazing pastor at our church and brought in teens by what seems to be bus loads to our church. He has reached so many and is a wonderful man. He also always finds time in his schedule to come visit me while I am in the hospital. EVEN when I was way up in Rochester he came. He is a very devoted person and has really changed my life.

Now, I wouldn't be able to tell you about Chris without telling you about his wife Ashley. I don't know her well actually I do believe we have only been together on one occasion for worship and that was at a girls night out function for church. I went we made journals and the journal I made was the first journal I ever kept. I wrote prayers and prayer requests and that was as simple as it was because I was against journaling. Through that night she taught us a lot. A lot about being women through Christ and we did a lot of different but fun things. Her journal led me to journal on and now I have a new journal that I write in a lot. Through that one note she left in the journal she gave each of us it inspired me to reach out and see Christ on a different level.. Now I will admit I didn't take a leap and poof I was spiritual and I still have issues with faith every now and then but she was a big stepping stone to where I am today. I will close with her note to us and then a poem.

"A journal is not only a record of events that touch our lives
and change us, it is a private space in which we can meet God and see His hand
touch our lives through answered prayer. My prayer for you is that you will seek
the Lord daily and allow him to mold you into the person
He would have you be. I believe in you. Stay Faithful!"
In His Strength & Joy,
Ashley
October, 2003

Now the poem:

DON'T GIVE UP HOPE

Hope gives you the strength to keep going when you feel like giving up.
Don't ever quit believing in yourself.
As long as you believe you can, you will have a reason for trying. Don't let anyone hold your happiness in their hands; hold it in your own, so it will always be within your reach.
Don't measure success or failure by material wealth, but by how you feel. Our feelings determine the riches in our lives.
Don't let bad moments overcome you.
Be patient, and they will pass.
Don't hesitate to reach out for help; we all need it from time to time. Don't runaway from Love, but towards love; because it is our deepest joy.
Don't wait for what you want to come to you.
Go after it with all that you are; knowing that life will meet you half way.
Don't feel like you've lost when plans and dreams fall short of your hopes.
Anytime you learn something new about yourself, or about life, you have progressed. Don't do anything that takes away from your self-respect.
Feeling GOOD about yourself is essential to feeling GOOD about life.
Don't ever forget how to laugh or be too proud to cry. It is by doing both that we live life to the FULLEST.
~author unknown~

This is all for today. Enjoy the video! Hope you had a wonderful day.

ick to picc's and ticks!

haha I thought the headline was kind of creative?

Last night after blogging... My mom came in and asked me to stand for her... I was a little nervous so I said yes and reluctantly I am happy to announce:

I took like three steps!! Although they were a little shakey they were steps! So this is most definitely improvement and I am sure you all will be overjoyed to hear about that. :)

Today, after praying and wondering and trying to think if I might ever get to go to church... I went! I got out of bed got some clothes on looked like my sickly little self and went to church. Those of you who don't know me, don't know that church is probably my biggest driving force. Without my church I don't think I would be nearly as happy and as strong spirited as I am... I have been brought in touch with so many incredible families from that church! Ah, at last I must say God works in wonderous ways that I really don't think I will ever see coming until bonk. They hit me in the forehead... As long as he doesn't leave bruises like the IV team does at the hospital we're cool! :)

After church and talking to everyone and surprising everyone with my guest appearance! :) (One thing about our church is the immense support you receive the moment you walk in the door. Smiling faces tight hugs, and LOVE!) So this is why I love going there and last night I asked many friends to pray that if it was God's will... I would be able to go to church and I was able to get myself there and it was the best feeling in the world to be there!

Well I decided since my OCD is acting up and I really am itching to get a tackle on the medical files that I would like to risk everything and go to wal mart while we were out and go get filing stuff and get some planting stuff. One thing I want to do is to show life is going on in the world... Have something growing! So I want to start an indoor plant garden with veggies so..... After reading lots about plant gardening in pots while I was in the hospital my mom bought me a mix of crazy stuff to start my indoor garden. I am absolutely psyched! We also ran into a long time friends father. And I might be able to go hang out with Kally (read Kally's story at the end of post) a few hours every so often! Which made me extremely happy and would be very exciting because it's something I am confident about doing even with my condition and I have a deep love for Kally. So it was really a great thing to run into him and hear a little update!

Now, usually when I ask for prayer I just say thank you for prayer. Thank you for your thoughts continue to pray for my health! Today, I am a little more specific with my request: My picc line (which we are continuing to feel is very important to my road to recovery) looks as though I may have another yeast infection in it! Which if you do not know much about picc lines can be very dangerous if not taken care of. My skin is draining out onto my shirt and the site is warm to the touch... Since we just noticed it worsening today, we will probably wait til tomorrow and head to the IV team at the hospital tomorrow morning to have them take a peak and see if there is any hope in saving the picc. Which I hope there is! Since of course getting an IV alone is no fun but having an IV strung from your upper arm to your chest is a little more intense and is something I have already done three times! My skin is just so sensitive we don't really know what is going on. Hopefully it's a topical thing that can be taken care of.

Right now our family is overwhelmed with support of others and financial difficulties of many sorts. We are willing to try anything if it means getting me better but... We cannot afford me to stay on IV forever as some think if it works I should! So there are still many things to face and many hurdles to overcome but things will get better at the slow steady pace as we continue to look forward.

Tomorrow I am also heading to a new doctor so prayers there are helpful but I am confident he is a good doctor and he is going to help us with herbal remedies and such so as I have mentioned him before I think he is another step in the right direction.

Okay, so music is big with me right now. If you suggest anything I will give it a listen. My new song of interest is Anna Nalick's Shine. I probably will have a new song daily because I am really getting motivated by the music aspect of life.

Kally-
Kally is probably one of the most inspirational people in my life. Yes, I have a few that I would say that about. She is 18 years-old and lives with down syndrome. She is a great girl and can add a smile to any one's face. She has helped me notice the simplest things in life and shown me that even the most complex situations can be healed with a hug and a smile. She strives for success and knows her desires! She can be quite a handful but, after meeting her in the 3rd grade and keeping in touch all of these years I consider her to be a friend and not so much a person to baby-sit. Although sometimes I can forget she does not understand and frustration overwhelms me. I still am able to pull through and she will be my forever coloring, and Disney movie watching buddy. As the world grows around her Kally continues to stay interested in the simple things and if at all I an only wish to keep a little of Kally in me- and notice the simple things! (her section is pink in honor of pink being her favorite color! :))

blog following, waiting, watching, and becoming more.

The view from my bed.

So as I think about it I have been on your end of the spectrum with a little girl's blog. Waiting for updates as she progresses crying at a computer screen when I hear she had a bad day rejoicing over small anthills overcome. A story with just a few words for some becomes something they strive for and someone they barely know or have never met become something that they look forward to hearing about on a sometimes daily basis.

What once was just a few words and a smiling little girl who thanked me for making her a get well soon card while in Rochester is now like a little sister. I don't know her well, but I do know her story. After this last hospital scare I realized there are many of those people for me. I don't know them on personal level but when things are bad they come through with get-well wishes, support, kindness, and generosity. Offering anything they can to humanly make the process of going through ambulance rides, ER visits, and ICU stays a little more comfortable a little less scary. You all have been so amazing and I continue to want to say thank you for that each day will get a little better it's just going to be a long road. But I have known that for a while now. So this is no new news and we must take each day as it comes.

There are numerous things I miss to make me human I will give you my list:
I miss....

being able to walk my dog whenever I wanted to
going to school
spending each weekend with friends
doing whatever I wanted and not having to choose between activity a and b
my friends
doing things on my own
being able to roam about the house and not have my parents worry
doing schoolwork! (yeah I know it's insane.)
laughing so hard I cry
not getting short winded from walking to the kitchen
having pain free days
not having to rely on medication
being a teen

these are just a few... I am not sure but it's going to get better. It has to! So if my story is more than just words now, because for a few stories I wait on a daily basis I will check blogs 3-4 times a day! Just to see any new word of my newfound 'friends'. It's amazing technology can connect us this way and it's great to have those who do support me. Who are there for me through the hardest days and when I don't text for 3 days and it's time to find out what hospital I am in and when they can visit.

Incredible is not even a word to describe the people who are in my life. Each person is like a worker bee and they all continue to support me as days seem long and my strength seems limited.

I wanted to share some things from the hospital although I remember little, I remember some and I want to share that with you:

In ICU it's kind of interesting you have patients who are about to leave the unit are about to go downstairs and soon be back into the normal world. They were in there for a day or so to just get stable due to a crazy accident or a slip down some stairs that left them banged up but doing decent.

You see families shed tears as they have their loved ones pass but you see others rejoice because they have gotten the out of ICU ticket! Which let me tell you is a big relief for many. You see families at what is probably their worst. They cry they weep they yell they try to take in what humanly doesn't seem fair.

Pediatrics was another interesting thing they are used to run of the mill cases run of the mill things yes, we know I don't have epilepsy. We do not need another consult to tell us that no, I do not have epilepsy. That has been decided. You hear small infants in size one diapers screaming from pain, fear, or being overwhelmed. They are all unique and what were once around 25 unique cases can quickly become one large mess. The hospital was filled to the brim when I was there they had people being admitted with no beds to sleep in. The nurses were tired. Snow was coming down people were calling off and many stayed for 12 hour to 14 hour shifts! Taking care of their patients trying to keep their patience as another child click click clicked their call bell.

When we came onto earth we took risk, being born was a big risk and our first breath was the biggest risk of all. We weren't promised a steady beaten path that had been traveled over 100s of times we’re promised a life. This is what we each get is a life. How we live our lives and how we take each day is up to us. Today and the days moving forward I am going to continue to do all I can to be up and walking. Church right now, is a no go but maybe I will figure out a way to go, "if God ordained it, he will make a way."

Physically I am not doing great but right now I don't really care. Maybe what my doctor says is true a positive attitude cannot heal damaged nerves and cells but it can make the ride a heck of a lot easier to deal with.

More to come in the days to come,

Victoria

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

^ something worthwhile. I promise.