Friday, March 27, 2009

Prom.

Tomorrow is my senior prom and all of my friends are finding their way there.
Dresses all over and make-up and beauty are all at their door, or so it seems...
Once in awhile I would sit and think of the worst thing that could happen, never believing it to be true. Thinking of things like missing prom or even graduation to sit in the hospital instead.
Tonight is the night before my senior prom, I had a dress all picked out and everything seemed ready.
Now just days ago, things changed a little and look where this has landed me. here. stuck. cornered.

With tears streaming down my face I feel defeated once again. Defeated by a disease that shouldn't have such control but also by friends that I have held so tight.

I always thought if they were in my shoes I would do anything for them to make them feel better because I don't want them to feel how I do. Yet tonight I feel a little sad if any of them do show up because they have their lives too. Last year I made time to come to the hospital just before prom, not for me but for the nurses and the elderly ladies up on the floor I used to volunteer on. Not because it was convenient but because I had come a long way from having a catheter in me and an IV bag hanging and tubes everywhere. I wanted them to see the person I was not the person I am temporarily. I did it for them.

Sometimes I wish that life came with a little instruction booklet of how to feel. I wish I knew how to feel about my best friend who is too stressed. I want to support her yet I wish she knew how much 3 minutes mean to me. I want to be able to see things from her eyes yet I can't. Most of all I want to feel better so I could just go and be with her. Tears just pour from my eyes because I know no one will see both sides of the fence but I wish for a moment I could just get a glimpse of the feeling of being the pretty, smart, fun, healthy girl who landed prom queen and everything else. Tonight my heart most of all longs for just fitting into a healthy lifestyle no strings attached. What happened to those days?

Still in the hospital and filling a pitcher with tears,

Victoria

15 comments:

Amy B said...

Sweet Victoria...
You know you are dear to my heart. I have a special place for you because you are a beautiful young lady and at a hard age ...not a kid and not a adult...yet dealt such growin up junk to deal with.
I so wish you could of gotten to put on a beautiful dress tonight and went to your prom. Every young girl should be able to do that. And your illness has taken that away from you. So very un fair. But please know that your illness will NEVER take away the beautiful girl you are on the inside and out. You are just a wonderful young lady. I know things are hard right now and I am sorry. I know God has such special plans for you. yet it does not make it easy waiting tonight, does it.
Hugs sweet Victoria.
Email me anytime..
amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

ixtapacheryl said...

You don't know me Victoria - but Amy B told us about your missing the prom. I can tell you I know how you must feel. I missed my prom - not because I was ill - but because no one asked me. It just crushed my heart but I survived.

I just know you will have many more dances you will attend in the future. I know from my daughter that there are plenty of them if you are going to attend college. So get ready .....

Hugs to you ..... and I'll bet your friends will visit you soon.

Hugs - Cheryl

Jennifer said...

Hey there Victoria.

Wear your dress and be the most beautiful patient at the hospital. Have an intern dance with you.

Big Hugs from a fellow Lymie.

Anonymous said...

ok...that's it! we're having a prom! maybe sometime this summer. how does that sound? get a bunch of girls to dress up...cheesy 80's ballads. i heart you, victoria! i could quote a verse and hope that you're encouraged, but i think i'd rather just let you know that i'm gonna be praying and KNOW that God's got it under control. God bless!

- Amy G

Shannon said...

This really stinks! But I've visited your site enough to know what a fighter you are. I'm sorry you have to fight, it seems unfair.
I agree with Jennifer and I hope do it and get pictures!!

Vickie said...

Hi Victoria...

I'm another one of AmyB's friends. I read about you on her blog and I just wanted to stop by and say I'm so sorry that you're missing your prom. I know you must be so sad and disappointed. I'm praying for you and trusting God to comfort your heart.

Anonymous said...

Oh Victoria, life deals us so many things that don't make sense. Just remeber that when we get to the bottom we have nowhere else to go but up. Sooo pull up those bootstrings and tell yourself that above all I am lucky to be alive...thankful for the small things. Remember Frank? Oh how you could relate to no shower!!If that makes no sense then go to www.victoryhighway.com and go to the sermon for March15/Don Rogers and be inpired.
You are a great young lady victoria, God will give you everything you need. See you tomorrow.
Love, Aunt Debbie

Rebecca Jo said...

Hi victoria... I heard from another blog about you missing prom... I'm sorry! I want to tell you how dorky proms can be - but I dont think any of that matters - I think you just want the "experience" of it. & I totally get that... but know that while you are not able to go right now, you'll still get to enjoy lots of other experiences later... & its OK to be sad about it... but I for sure think you deserve something special when you get out - your OWN Prom! How fun would that be! Get your friends to dress up & go out somewhere! Everyone loves a reason to get dressed up!

Sending you big hugs...You'll be OK girlie!!! I promise!

bluesuede said...

Victoria, I'm a friend of Amyb's, but don't hold it against me -- JUST KIDDING! I wish you didn't have to miss your prom because if you don't go, you won't know what you missed or at least, what you think you missed. I went to mine, and I don't remember either one of them (junior or senior) being very special. I guess if I hadn't gone, I would have never known what I missed. That's the boat you're in right now. Maybe, if you had gone, you might have had an experience like mine and not think it was that special.

I hope everything gets better for you soon! We're all praying for you.

Grace said...

Victoria... It's been a while since I've been to your blog... I need to do better. I remember reading in the past many of your posts and know that you are a very strong young lady. I hate hearing that your health has stopped you from attending your prom night. I wish my prayers could change all that for you. My heart is sad for your pain regarding missing the prom. Hugs for you!

Juls said...

(((Big Hugs))) Victoria... I don't know really what to say ...but I just want you to know that I'm praying for you... What Amy B said above is so true. You're truly a very special person!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Oh, I'm sorry. Darn illness! I'm sorry you are missing out on such an important night. Not much else I can say but that.

I've asked a friend to pray for you and I hope that will bring you some comfort from your sadness.

~~gail~~mooselovingmamabear said...

Hey Girl...

Prayer and thoughts coming your way. My heart is sad w/ you... Just know that "lots" of prayers and blog luv are coming your way...

April said...

Hi Victoria~
I learned about your situation on Amy B's blog...so sorry to hear what you're going through. Just know that I'm lifting you up in my prayers! Though your heart is breaking, you have to trust and believe that things will be better tomorrow than they are today. Look for that rainbow and keep your chin up. We care!

Meredith said...

Victoria,
i found your blog through the blog "Our Daily Blessing" through the "Riggs Family Blog." I am fairly new to this blog world but feel destined to meet you. 8 years ago I was in your place... and it sucks, there's really no better word for it. I thought that being admitted into the hospital 16 days before prom with no end in sight was the end of my life; when my friends showed me their jewelry and my boyfriend dumped me so that he could go to prom with someone "healthy" I thought life couldn't get any worse... and it sucked, but after prom, i learned it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. My heart is so sad for you but what I do know is that missing this "rite of passage" will make others that much more special. I'll be keeping you in my prayers, stay strong sweet girl, you're wonderful memories are on their way. God Bless... sorry if this is a little convoluted, but when your post mixed with my memories my heart just broke for you.