Saturday, March 28, 2009


Last night was another extremely rough night with shivering and shaking and moaning and groaning. I am really starting to feel extremely sick and sometimes it's difficult to be hopeful.

We're waiting on blood cultures and what they will hold- the results of them will weigh in on if my port will need to be removed and if my heart valve is in tact. They will tell us enough to let us know how sick I am. I can tell you I am not feeling so hot. It has been a really big struggle for me just to color or do anything really. I have been sleeping almost all day, day in and day out with no strength to prove for it. I don't understand this disease or why I feel so sick however it's really sucking everything out of me.

My faith has been faltering lately and I have started to cry out to God asking why he isn't using these great moments these moments of extreme weakness to just heal me. I know that the disease that lingers within me is that of which is given from the enemy. The devil. I refuse to give him credit for any strength I have for all the strength I have is from God.

There is a quote that states:
"Just think,
You're here not by chance, but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else-
You are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here at this time in history
to fulfill His special purpose for

This makes me wonder, what am I giving to this generation? Am I speaking the Lord's compassion and love everywhere I go? Even to my parents when I am extremely frustrated?

A Chris Tomlin song "I Will Rise" came on while I was writing this post and I started to listen to the lyrics and there was the verse that said:

I will rise when he calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain

The lyrics of this song just make me remember how much I have to look forward to and how trivial everything else is.

All I can imagine is the day I am able to dance with Jesus and fall into his arms and have no more sorrow and no more pain. That day that I continuously long for will be ultimately better than any prom I can imagine, being held with complete agape love and just knowing an unchangeable love.

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