So I have spent time reflecting over the past few days... As I enter school it has been an interesting transition to say the least. I have found that there are so many threats to my delicate love and life that I am living for Christ.
I took a few moments to read over past journal entries and private thoughts of my own that I have had over the past year. One year ago, today, I was entering classrooms for the first time and learning a new way of life beyond my own comprehension. I was the first child in my immediate family to go away to college so soon after High School... I was diving into deep water that was most certainly above my head and beyond what I could imagine- yet I was treading fast and hoping and praying that I would swim. Over the past year I have battled greatly with so many things and I have really tried to seek God more- however, I still did whatever I wanted.
I hid behind quoting the right scripture at the right time and even more-so- I found myself using quotes that I agreed with, but wasn't living out. I was all for a genuine life but I was hiding behind a big velvet curtain. And I was letting my life get filled with things that weren't leaving adequate quiet time for God. I was in the world's sense, "cheating" on God. I would give Him my time when I was ready and I dealt with many major issues in my life. However, I still let man take a place in my heart that was only designed for God...
I don't think anyone could have told me what I was doing was ever so wrong because even though it was- society still accepted me and it seemed like it could be "right". I always thought about God's love as a bunch of things compiled together and I sang songs, and still do sing songs about how "He is jealous for me". but, in essence, I have to challenge myself and wonder how much I believe that and how seriously I take it... God took the time to create me as a person and He takes such great interest in my life... However, I have taken advantage of His love. And I will be the first to admit it... We talk about grace in church and how it's like an ocean and all of this wonderful stuff. Yet, I have trouble finding time to pray, do devotions, or even be silent before my creator.
Last year I was "in touch" with God but it is summed up best with a quote that I found at the beginning of the summer: "Natural gifts such as personal charisma, mental brightness, emotional strength, and organizational ability can impress and motivate people for a long time. Sometimes they can be mistaken for spiritual vitality and depth. Sadly, we do not have a Christian culture today that easily discriminates between a person of spiritual depth and a person of raw talent." I was a person that was using my natural gifts more than relying on my faith in Christ or looking to Christ for guidance... I was putting my desires forthright most of the time and it's scary when I wasn't called out... It was an easy lifestyle to live in other than the fact that I was an absolute mess most of the time. I had my blinders pulled up over my eyes and I was greatly confused.
However, as I reflect, I also realize that truth is so vital to our lives and when we uncover the situations of our past with truth we are able to slowly see God again... I fear that so often I put my God in a box. When really he is larger than the expanse around me and He is absolutely jealous for me... Jealous for my silence and waiting for me to listen. So as I have learned... I have also realized God does impossible things through ordinary people being willing and ready to listen to Him and receive His love. This summer I have learned how to do that more and in closing, Here I am Lord... Send me.... I am waiting