So I have spent time reflecting over the past few days... As I enter school it has been an interesting transition to say the least. I have found that there are so many threats to my delicate love and life that I am living for Christ.
I took a few moments to read over past journal entries and private thoughts of my own that I have had over the past year. One year ago, today, I was entering classrooms for the first time and learning a new way of life beyond my own comprehension. I was the first child in my immediate family to go away to college so soon after High School... I was diving into deep water that was most certainly above my head and beyond what I could imagine- yet I was treading fast and hoping and praying that I would swim. Over the past year I have battled greatly with so many things and I have really tried to seek God more- however, I still did whatever I wanted.
I hid behind quoting the right scripture at the right time and even more-so- I found myself using quotes that I agreed with, but wasn't living out. I was all for a genuine life but I was hiding behind a big velvet curtain. And I was letting my life get filled with things that weren't leaving adequate quiet time for God. I was in the world's sense, "cheating" on God. I would give Him my time when I was ready and I dealt with many major issues in my life. However, I still let man take a place in my heart that was only designed for God...
I don't think anyone could have told me what I was doing was ever so wrong because even though it was- society still accepted me and it seemed like it could be "right". I always thought about God's love as a bunch of things compiled together and I sang songs, and still do sing songs about how "He is jealous for me". but, in essence, I have to challenge myself and wonder how much I believe that and how seriously I take it... God took the time to create me as a person and He takes such great interest in my life... However, I have taken advantage of His love. And I will be the first to admit it... We talk about grace in church and how it's like an ocean and all of this wonderful stuff. Yet, I have trouble finding time to pray, do devotions, or even be silent before my creator.
Last year I was "in touch" with God but it is summed up best with a quote that I found at the beginning of the summer: "Natural gifts such as personal charisma, mental brightness, emotional strength, and organizational ability can impress and motivate people for a long time. Sometimes they can be mistaken for spiritual vitality and depth. Sadly, we do not have a Christian culture today that easily discriminates between a person of spiritual depth and a person of raw talent." I was a person that was using my natural gifts more than relying on my faith in Christ or looking to Christ for guidance... I was putting my desires forthright most of the time and it's scary when I wasn't called out... It was an easy lifestyle to live in other than the fact that I was an absolute mess most of the time. I had my blinders pulled up over my eyes and I was greatly confused.
However, as I reflect, I also realize that truth is so vital to our lives and when we uncover the situations of our past with truth we are able to slowly see God again... I fear that so often I put my God in a box. When really he is larger than the expanse around me and He is absolutely jealous for me... Jealous for my silence and waiting for me to listen. So as I have learned... I have also realized God does impossible things through ordinary people being willing and ready to listen to Him and receive His love. This summer I have learned how to do that more and in closing, Here I am Lord... Send me.... I am waiting
1 comment:
Victoria!
That is an awesome post! I loved hearing your story this week, which is essentially God's story working through your life. I'm excited to continue to walk with you and see how God uses you through your time at Roberts. He's got big plans for your life - that I am certain!
I loved the Gordon MacDonald quote you pulled:
"Natural gifts such as personal charisma, mental brightness, emotional strength, and organizational ability can impress and motivate people for a long time. Sometimes they can be mistaken for spiritual vitality and depth. Sadly, we do not have a Christian culture today that easily discriminates between a person of spiritual depth and a person of raw talent."
For the naturally gifted, it can be hard to discern what is of God and what is simply relying on our own strength. Part of it is that God gives us these gifts and abilities to be able to use them to glorify Him and to be able to bless other people. The hard part is we get to decide whether or not that is just advancing ourselves or advancing the Kingdom - and it isn't always black and white. I think if you are keeping the focus on the depth of your spirituality and that is what you are pursuing, that is where the good fruit can result. This can also make it something that glorifies God rather than just pushing our own selves/agenda forward. "You and I are made to worship and are called to love" (I had to throw a song in there to keep with your theme). :)
Anyways - just wanted to stop by and say I'm excited for the work God has done in your life already, and what He is going to do throughout this year.
-Jonathan
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