Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I am not.

Sorry, this was supposed to be posted a few nights ago... Oh well! Here it is!
Each morning I wake up... And I enter the day with an expectation that this day will be better than the last. I enter it knowing God is there waking up with me and by my side.

Some days this same feeling follows me throughout the day. There it is, by my side holding me up. However, some days this feeling sweeps out from under me and I get caught up in things. And slowly, my good day becomes something that I can barely handle. Today was one of those blindsiding days...

I cried so hard I shook, every little stress had piled up and I was a mess... There was no smile to be had and I cried to the Lord. I was in the midst of the storm. And it felt as though Jesus was in the belly of my ship sleeping as I panicked in fear. I screamed to God over the roar of my cries... But it didn't seem to be enough. I couldn't get past it. I was a mess. My whole body shook. No peace just pain. I began to wonder about my life... Is it worth it? What have I done that has helped or honored God? How can God use this?

I began to realize: I was buying into lies. Lies about my life and about the things surrounding me. I have to counter them. I can't keep buying into the cheap imitation brand of faith: when the real deal is right before me. I have to name it and decide not to let it claim my heart... This is so hard. It's so hard to get the gumption to get off the couch or to reach out for help. And then it's even harder when your help seems to fade away and no one answers their phone.

But when we think about it: if we truly look at scripture we know that as Christians we have asked Jesus to come into our hearts and the holy spirit dwells within us. So therefore, the illustration of the ship can be quite true to our lives... We can awake Jesus from our hearts and tell him we need him to speak to the storms within our lives. And that's so cool to me.

I am not strong enough... I am not saved by my good deeds. But I know a God that is. And that's what is good enough. He is more than enough. And tonight and always I will bank my trust in that. However, that does not discredit the scary storms and the emotions and pain of feeling all alone.

I stole this video from my friend Shorty's blog. It seemed like it fit for me tonight too.

1 comment:

Julie said...

Your post reminded me of a quote from John H. Groberg from his book, 'The Other Side of Heaven'.
He says, "Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes he calms his child."