Senior Year

As my senior year comes to a close I start to feel emotions welling up inside of me. Could this be real? Really is it?

I never thought this day would come. Heck, there were nights I thought I would not live to see this day. I guess in a kid that was sick I thought that I would never graduate- or I would and I had big sights for my life however it still didn't seem possible. I have gotten letters and I have been seeing the events unfold before me. Pictures I saw on everyone else's facebook, are now going to be filling mine. Words like Project graduation, Senior Slide-shows, and Baccalaureate fill my vocabulary. I am graduating with honors... Which isn't really a big deal at our school it seems everyone is doing it. Yet- to me, it's a big deal I feel accomplished for teaching myself and still achieving it. I am excited as the next year starts...

However, as I look back on the year I look at a ton of things that have been so gracefully provided for me. Friendships that have flourished to their greatest glories and people who have become so close. I see these people in my life as answered prayer and I didn't see it until I looked back. I look up into the top of my closet- and I see cards tons and tons of cards! Cards that are filled with words from people who care. I am so grateful for the people in my life and this weekend as the walk comes, I am not going to lie a little bit of me is sad because I look at the walk as one of those moments of one of the last hurrahs as a Horseheads High School student.

Who knew- this too would be behind me. Being a teen a thing of the past? Luckily I have another year in it!

Things have been busy...

Things have been so busy graduation is coming... I really don't know what to think of life anymore. Is it spiraling out of control or is it hardly moving? I look back in the last 13 years of my life... It outlines the years I have been in my home going to school so much has happened yet not much at all has. I am hoping to sit down and write sometime soon. I have been keeping a journal! Soon updates will continue to fill this blog. Have you missed me?!

I close my ears I close my eyes, but I still feel the sunrise.
When I feel the warmth of the sun- I forget everything but remember the brilliance of the great amount of beauty.
I feel it all on my skin.
I don't think I can complain because I have so much, it would be giving in.

I felt a stirring in my heart.

My heart hurts and aches and burns. I feel so lost you know...
They say they care and they do a good job acting so too.
Yet when the push comes to the shove and the motion is needed to act,
I feel like they don't.
I feel alone.
How come you can feel so lonely in a crowded room.
There is barely any standing room yet there you are-
Look at me.
Here I am.
Exposed.
I am alone here.
You say it's fine...
So I say it's fine too.
I have some news,
I don't think it is really fine.

Wandering

There is this time in life when I find myself wandering, now more than ever I walk about not understanding day to day life. I look into eyes and when I look deep into them I see a soft heart yet sometimes it's so covered. So hidden and so deep. Why do we hide?

I sit here and I ask that yet I know I am hiding. I am hiding deep under the covers below so much weight and I am so lost. So confused and I just look, look around and look at eyes everyone looks happy so I smile too. When everyone looks sad I want to fix it for them. Yet I don't think I personally want to ever look sad. I don't want to be the fixable cause. Now here I am. I am screaming to an empty world and a void is over my heart. I am silently crying because no one can hear my hurt.

The medical things are certainly a tragedy. It's something that is hard. It's harder when you don't see something coming and your knocked down when you're already down. You might not think it's possible but when someone goes to give you a helping hand and they think they have helped you up but you see yourself on your knees. You're not up, yet they're done.

Do you yell out and say hey I need more help? Or do you continue to kneel? I don't know I just find hope with a leather bound book and a prayer. A prayer is simple and nice.

There is a lot covering all of the things I am hiding and I don't really want to open up anymore. It's easier to seek from within. Trust isn't given you know...

Home is where we gather.

There once was a story of a girl with an over abundance of laughter and joy. A smile from ear to ear, a book might be in her hand, and a little spunk there under her nose. Somewhere past those days her heart was re-examined. Her peace was shaken up a bit. Her hope was found within a prayer but there was a big hole that had once been filled with a mysterious ounce of love that was... fake? Some might look at this story, thinking that poor girl. She looks at this story thinking that poor dad.