Thursday, May 7, 2009

Wandering

There is this time in life when I find myself wandering, now more than ever I walk about not understanding day to day life. I look into eyes and when I look deep into them I see a soft heart yet sometimes it's so covered. So hidden and so deep. Why do we hide?

I sit here and I ask that yet I know I am hiding. I am hiding deep under the covers below so much weight and I am so lost. So confused and I just look, look around and look at eyes everyone looks happy so I smile too. When everyone looks sad I want to fix it for them. Yet I don't think I personally want to ever look sad. I don't want to be the fixable cause. Now here I am. I am screaming to an empty world and a void is over my heart. I am silently crying because no one can hear my hurt.

The medical things are certainly a tragedy. It's something that is hard. It's harder when you don't see something coming and your knocked down when you're already down. You might not think it's possible but when someone goes to give you a helping hand and they think they have helped you up but you see yourself on your knees. You're not up, yet they're done.

Do you yell out and say hey I need more help? Or do you continue to kneel? I don't know I just find hope with a leather bound book and a prayer. A prayer is simple and nice.

There is a lot covering all of the things I am hiding and I don't really want to open up anymore. It's easier to seek from within. Trust isn't given you know...

3 comments:

BoufMom9 said...

How can you be so young and yet so wise.
I continue to pray for you.

Noelle said...

Hmmm this really hits home. Feels as if I am saying those same words.
Continuing to pray for you and others that "find hope with a leather bound book and a prayer" and are kneeling.

You're amazing and hope you continue to stay strong.

Lindsay said...

I've felt this often also. I've been questioning: where do you look for help when the issue is not likely resolvable through others? Is it even okay to ask? It feels as if overtime the things you say, the pain you feel, becomes white noise when in all actuality its every bit as tough as when you began.

I just came across your blog. I'm usually on the look out for teen bloggers with Chronic Lyme, as I am 19 and infected with the disease. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Feel free to check out my blog as well. Good luck and good tidings.

Take care,
Lindsay