Tough.

This was the beginning of a post before I went to church today... The beginning of complaining about things going wrong and how hard and tough things are.

However, it is now a post of great joy and peace. Because I serve a God that is so much bigger than the temporary things of this world. And I know that He will always ring truth into my life. There is nothing so bad that God can't heal, redeem, or work through. God is that powerful. All we have to do is seek Him... And it really is that simple. I don't know, but it is pretty crazy to me!

He is faithful.

"I want first of all... to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact- to borrow from the language of the saints- to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony. I am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Paedrus when he said,  "May the outward and inward man be one." I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Awaiting validation

A few years ago, I found tears hitting against my keyboard as I wrote this post.

Today my tears fall for different reasons... However, as I read the comments from women on that very post. I find a universal longing within the women both grown and still teenagers. We await a validation. We sit remembering days of heart break and heart ache. Boys who have told us no, or have not noticed us at all... And absence of men within our lives. A father, uncle, step-father, grandfather.... A man that has said hurtful things into our hearts that leave scars.

We look to others in this constant battle to see our worth, our beauty. We fill our hearts with chick flicks, and romance novels. Trying to understand what it feels like to be loved.

Oh how I wish I could tell the seventeen year old me to hold on to that moment and to try to see God's precious blessing. Oh how I wish that I could allow God to hold my heart tenderly and totally surrender... Yet it seems God is constantly fighting for my heart. And it seems as though it's a universal ache we have in our hearts. The fragile state of my heart the tender wounds that have been left.

I look back over the years, and I am amazed... I wonder: how did I make it until now? And I continue to remember how very small I am. Yet how infinite God's love is... And I know He will validate my heart no matter what... And He will heal the wounds and scars that are left broken and pouring out of my broken heart. God has this under control.

A veil of anxiety

Lately it seems like all I hear about is the beauty I have or how we are the beautiful brides of Christ. I read the book "Do you Think I am Beautiful?" and it depicts this striking picture of the confidence of a bride when she walks into the room. The breathtaking picture of a woman walking in with her white gown and in all the glory. People tear up just at the sight of her.

After the last few days I have really started to realize there is something blocking me from God. Much like there is something blocking the people at the wedding from seeing the bride in her full beauty. The bride has this veil over her face... You can see through it, but it's blocking the pristine clarity you once had.

For me, this has been anxiety. I have been realizing that it has taken captivity over my life and I can't even see past some situations due to the fear of being wrong or failing. I can barely handle the attack it has over me and the moment the anxiety comes it seems as though my whole life stops.

I got thinking about this today: and I thought about how the bride is known as the most beautiful woman in the room. But there is something clearly blocking her view to the outside world... And as I look at scripture, I see that God has an incredible love for His people. As a matter a fact, in 1 John 4:18 it says: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So I continue to battle out this moment, standing in awe of the God I love so much... But awaiting his hands as he lifts the veil from my face and removes the barrier of anxiety. This constant fear and confusion that block my view of what He really is... A moment to step back and realize that I am in love with my creator and His love is enough.

Right now it feels like I can only take peaks out from under my veil before it falls back over my face again. And for me anyway, it always feels like there is something that we struggle with: that keeps us just on the edge of being able to grasp the God we love. And that's the essence of it: no matter what He will always be too big to understand.

Last night I was driving home from a friend's house and I was in a bitter mood. And this song came on the radio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ_XEt1QpYg and it was really cool. It was like God came and melted away my bitterness. He knows I listen when I hear a song... And through that my bitterness started dissolving like snow.

"Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him Someday he'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray, I want to fall in love with you." What an incredible picture... If you're a woman or a man, just imagine that moment: running and finally knowing that perfect love without any doubt or barrier. No veils of this world and no fears to hold us back. Satan's grasp totally lost from you, just allowing God to sweep you up. For me, that is a crazy picture to imagine... But deep in my heart I know it to be true and I can rest in the fact the day is coming.

This is great... How can we remain still when we have stuff like this at our disposal?

Singing From the Rooftops

Around two months ago now... I made the decision to take a semester off from my college career. Some things had happened that I really needed to deal with and I didn't think it would be wise to just put them off to deal with when I graduated in two short semesters.

It soon became one of the biggest leaps of faith I think I have ever taken... As soon as I started telling people my plans it was as though I had let down every person I told. Some supported me... Others looked at me like I was totally nuts. I told them I was planning on working at my old job... Taking a few classes at the community college and just hoping for the best. Little did I know, I would not be called for hours at a job I could easily get 60 hours a week at last summer... And soon I would feel incredibly scared about where I was going to get money to pay my bills with.

I continued to wait on God and just kept telling everyone God will provide! Slowly, it was getting harder to say: God will provide! The end of the month closed in and I had no money for rent and I was scared to death... As friends continued to badger me about what I was doing with my life and how I was going to make ends meet... My smile had faded... But the promise remained... I continued to trust God would provide in some unseen way.

I finally got to work one long weekend... This was the first time I had worked since before January, and let me tell you: God provided. He totally has wow-ed me and I was beyond blessed... He left me singing praise to Him and I believe it was no coincidence. During the time I was not working, I was totally devoted to Him and constantly praying about everything that had gone in the worlds eyes: wrong.

I have been so confused and it's as though today God whispered in my heart: I haven't left you... I still love you, and just continue to rely on me.

I just want to close with a thanks to God because He is faithful... And it's not about me at all... It's all about Him.