I have found myself at the bottom of the bucket and slowly looking around to see that I can pull through...
This year the transition felt like trying to climb through a brick wall. I felt like constantly I was running back and charging full speed into a wall. I can't explain it any other way. Walking around on campus, I have found myself wondering what the purpose of this journey could be... Could it be that I am socially inept? No, I was told by my pastor I could have a conversation with anyone. It's not that.... Still stumped.
I have found myself slowly picking up the broken pieces, however, in the midst I have also found myself blessed. If it hadn't been for the confusing week that I had, feeling incredibly lonely I wouldn't have found the refuge I had within my church here at school. From taking on a youth leadership position at the church, I have found myself finding a new community of people to connect with.
For a few years now, I have been stumbling with the idea of Youth Ministry, and Ministry... My role as a woman, and what it would mean for me. Last year my heart was totally broken for the youth and I continued to feel totally passionate about pouring into the youth around me. Making relationships is something I have found myself desiring to deepen and just getting to know others beyond the surface faces. Last year, I had a friend, that challenged me to do that... Dig deeper into myself, find the things that made me who I am... But also find the things that hurt me, things that made me cry, and things that I was still suffering with. My scars and wounds... I had never had someone pry into my life and dig deep but as they did, I continued to pour out the pain and misery...
Anyways, this year... I have found that now I am feeling refreshed from the wounds but still trying to tackle my greatest passion: service of people, most importantly: youth. Upon starting back to school, I set out on a voyage to find my church here, find my place of ministry as a "helper". I just wanted to be a little behind the scenes person, just something, anything, to pour into the kids and make them realize how incredibly important they are: to me, but most importantly God. It seemed like it was a tall task to look into, however, it was my passion and I was willing to go at it with everything I had.
I talked to the youth leader, and before I knew it, I was going through an informal interview to get the opportunity to be a part of the youth leaders team. I was humbled to say the least... Now, today, I have found myself encouraged by the leadership they have at church and my role as a woman, as an equal... It has made me wonder, with my gift of leadership that God has given me, could I take on the idea of some day becoming a youth leader, or even a youth pastor?! The idea of living a life in ministry in that sense excites me: However, I believe right now, I must wait and see.
So, in one month, in short:
I have connected.
I have felt at a loss; but certainly am not lostI have reflected; but am not walking back
Now, I am moving forward... Excited for the journey ahead.