Not really sure what to write...

I found myself praying and thinking the past few days and I guess, I have set up a lot of thoughts about my future. When I graduated from High School: I felt invincible. I really wanted to live my life completely apart from everything else I had known before. I didn't want to be sick and I didn't want anyone to know that I was sick or that there was anything different about me. I was sick of having people know me.

Upon going to college I knew people knew about my sickness and stuff but they didn't know it all... And that was great for me... People heard words without context and they found themselves okay with dealing with me because it hadn't effected the immediate presence.

Then: I found myself in a new place slowly it seems like everything has crept up into the playing field, people know me with the seizures, they have grown apprehensive and slowly I had my labels back... Defeat never hit me so hard, until I wasn't able to run on the XC team any longer after training in the Spring and Summer, and then a good portion of the season this fall... I felt like I had really grown passionate about something and finally I had something back into my life and it was helping me cope a little... I still felt lonely, and I still knew there was a lot to work out but it helped a lot being able to go out and run and face things with God.

When the most recent seizures occurred, I found myself off the team, alone a majority of the time... And well, just plain feeling crappy. I wasn't sure what to do with my time, I was exhausted from the stuff I had gone through physically, and life had most certainly changed as I had known it.

For the first time in my life: I have been faced with something that I couldn't just attach to a situation and find a good thing and pull myself up and over it... Slowly the silver linings of clouds were just smeared into the mess of everything else that was going on. I guess now more than ever I am finding that I am growing with God again, and I am waiting on Him... Was the three year plan really because maybe, I wouldn't be able to make it through this year? So I will actually just be getting done with everyone else? Is there something more to my life than what I will ever be able to imagine? I don't know...

Lately, there has been a lot of questioning... Not in my faith, but what next what now? And how much longer? It is going on six years of having adversity in my life on a grand scale like it has been... And in that six year stretch... I have really found a lot of highs and a lot of lows... But I question the low today and wonder if it's the lowest I have ever been... If you're out there and reading: I would ask that you pray for me as I begin to sort things out with my medical situation and everything else...

I apologize for the "depressing" post... I hope that in the end, if you have felt this way, or do feel this way: you can find the comfort in knowing, it's okay to wonder why... Wonder how much longer... And know that walking by faith sometimes is not walking blindly totally but just talking with God. I mean look at the Psalms!

I close with this:

Psalm 40


For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the LORD

and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed is the one

who trusts in the LORD,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]

5 Many, LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

but my ears you have opened[c]—

burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require.

7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.[e]

8 I desire to do your will, my God;

your law is within my heart.”

9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, LORD,

as you know.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.

I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness

from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;

may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head,

and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased to save me, LORD;

come quickly, LORD, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life

be put to shame and confusion;

may all who desire my ruin

be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”

be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who long for your saving help always say,

“The LORD is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

you are my God, do not delay.