Friday, February 4, 2011

So blessed.

Twenty years old... Wow.

That's what keeps coming to my mind anyways. I think I am twenty: wow! Crazy. I don't know how to deal with it. And it has only been five minutes of this particular day.

I think about what my life has had to offer: I have accomplished a lot... I have a lot left to accomplish. When I reflect on my life... I can think of one thing: I am blessed. SO blessed.

My greatest fear this birthday has been the unknown. I don't have a feeling of certainty. I feel like I am leaving my teen years and I am scared of all of the future things. What could come to be what may not... Opportunities I may miss.

I was also scared that no one would remember. After I deactivated my facebook... I thought no one will know it's my birthday. This birthday has seemed particularly crippling and to be totally honest has mustered up many tears. So I thought if I don't celebrate... It could be a disaster!

Tonight, well, last night... I was so overwhelmed. A few friends surprised me with a party. I didn't even think I would have anyone notice my existance much less throw a party. And I was totally shocked. They passed around a canvas at the party and everyone drew on it... Creating a drawing just for me! It was incredible. I also got beautiful flowers and a clock and necklace... I am so honored that God has blessed me with these friends.

This afternoon I found myself crying out to God as I felt so confused... I sat crying at my desk listening to countless worship songs surrounded by His love. I just felt like I didn't understand what He was doing. I conciously know that He is more than enough for me. However, deep in my heart for some silly reason this afternoon: I doubted that. I prayed and prayed that He would show me His love and passion and show me His love. Tonight, I saw that as the community came around me. I was blown away by the kindness of my friends.

Tonight, I continue to point up though. As my life continues to drive on, I know that the only reason I have gotten my chance at life is because I have a God that's totally in love with me. A God that has paved the way for me. I am so blessed. I point up tonight because a few years back I didn't dream of living. I thought my life truly was going to get cut short... I thought that was it... Maybe I wouldn't even get the chance to finish high school now I am looking into the face of graduating college in a few more semesters...

I am coming to realize tonight, that I cannot fall into the worry of growing old... I can't worry about those things. However, I must embrace these days, the days of growth, of life... Because when I die, I will not be able to live any more. However, I don't know when that day will come and an accumulation of days on a calandar don't necessarily mean that life is over it just means I have spent a little more time on earth than others and less time on earth than some. I must embrace this beautiful gift God has given me... And that's truly what my life has been. A gift. A beautiful, and incredible gift.

Tonight I give thanks for the tangible things in life:
- My family
- My friends
- The ability to go to college
- The opportunities I have been able to embrace

And the not so tangible things:

- My freedom to express religion
- The ability to walk
- The God that loves me so much.

Tonight I say thanks God, for being my creator. I hope this is another year I am able to look up. And I say thank you for being a friend. :]

Embrace life. Do not fear death.

Now off to bed at exactly: 12:20. Cool!


Michelle said...

20 years ago today...

You were born! And I am very thankful for that. :)


Heather said...


I'm glad you got a surprise birthday, that's just special. :)

Victoria said...

Happy birthday!! Another thing we have in birthday is in February too. I've been thinking about some of those things too lately. Thanks for reminding me to look up.