So blessed.

Twenty years old... Wow.

That's what keeps coming to my mind anyways. I think I am twenty: wow! Crazy. I don't know how to deal with it. And it has only been five minutes of this particular day.

I think about what my life has had to offer: I have accomplished a lot... I have a lot left to accomplish. When I reflect on my life... I can think of one thing: I am blessed. SO blessed.

My greatest fear this birthday has been the unknown. I don't have a feeling of certainty. I feel like I am leaving my teen years and I am scared of all of the future things. What could come to be what may not... Opportunities I may miss.

I was also scared that no one would remember. After I deactivated my facebook... I thought no one will know it's my birthday. This birthday has seemed particularly crippling and to be totally honest has mustered up many tears. So I thought if I don't celebrate... It could be a disaster!

Tonight, well, last night... I was so overwhelmed. A few friends surprised me with a party. I didn't even think I would have anyone notice my existance much less throw a party. And I was totally shocked. They passed around a canvas at the party and everyone drew on it... Creating a drawing just for me! It was incredible. I also got beautiful flowers and a clock and necklace... I am so honored that God has blessed me with these friends.

This afternoon I found myself crying out to God as I felt so confused... I sat crying at my desk listening to countless worship songs surrounded by His love. I just felt like I didn't understand what He was doing. I conciously know that He is more than enough for me. However, deep in my heart for some silly reason this afternoon: I doubted that. I prayed and prayed that He would show me His love and passion and show me His love. Tonight, I saw that as the community came around me. I was blown away by the kindness of my friends.

Tonight, I continue to point up though. As my life continues to drive on, I know that the only reason I have gotten my chance at life is because I have a God that's totally in love with me. A God that has paved the way for me. I am so blessed. I point up tonight because a few years back I didn't dream of living. I thought my life truly was going to get cut short... I thought that was it... Maybe I wouldn't even get the chance to finish high school now I am looking into the face of graduating college in a few more semesters...

I am coming to realize tonight, that I cannot fall into the worry of growing old... I can't worry about those things. However, I must embrace these days, the days of growth, of life... Because when I die, I will not be able to live any more. However, I don't know when that day will come and an accumulation of days on a calandar don't necessarily mean that life is over it just means I have spent a little more time on earth than others and less time on earth than some. I must embrace this beautiful gift God has given me... And that's truly what my life has been. A gift. A beautiful, and incredible gift.

Tonight I give thanks for the tangible things in life:
- My family
- My friends
- The ability to go to college
- The opportunities I have been able to embrace

And the not so tangible things:

- My freedom to express religion
- The ability to walk
- The God that loves me so much.

Tonight I say thanks God, for being my creator. I hope this is another year I am able to look up. And I say thank you for being a friend. :]

Embrace life. Do not fear death.

Now off to bed at exactly: 12:20. Cool!