There are these moments every once in awhile that seem to stop time. I guess I find these moments to be eye opening. Tonight I have stared at my computer screen listening to the deafening noise of nothing fill the air. It's silent and it's so incredibly loud. It seems the patterns of the world are yelling in every direction and it's incredibly overwhelming for me. I don't want to grow up yet, but everyone says you must. I see the constant change and now, I see an ultimate change. I have saved my money since I was a child. I have placed this money in a bank account- the money always being frozen in suspense once entering this said account. Now all of a sudden the some day account is taking on a new shape, a shape of books and bills and necessities. It has been saved for a time such as this.
My eyes well up with tears feeling myself travel past this moment in time. As I plan to move away part of me holds this moment forever. Some have cried right along, I have cried a few times but tonight it hit me. I am overwhelmed. I am desperately searching for answers and plans and everything in some sort of stone. Crazy how life happens when you're not looking. I am holding onto these moments. These moments when I can still curl up with my mother the moments I can still listen to her heartbeat when I am sad and even crawl into her bed at night just because I am a little scared. There is something special about the way a mother smells and the way she shows compassion. It's something no one could offer other than a mother, a gentle touch and a kind word offers so much.
My life has been unique and as I have reflected upon all of that, from moments of despair to moments of rejoicing. Things that maybe not every teen can relate to but a distinct group of them can and for this I am thankful, thankful I can share such things with them. Thankful I can be part of a group no matter how small a group of women, and men alike who have had courage to work to get good care and find companionship among each other.
As I see this door close I see another open, however I am hoping to stay in touch. For those of you I haven't heard from in awhile, I miss you. I miss you very much.