Thursday, April 9, 2009

I wish I could.

For any student planning on going into the medical field, for any teenager that doesn't feel blessed...

I really wish that people could know what it was like to be in the hospital for days and have to say to the nurse, I need a commode at the age of 18, 17, 16, 15.. Or I cannot walk can you please help me? Or how about not showering for MONTHS because you have had to become a creative thinker due to the fact your IV is in your chest. Hm. Yeah so I am being kind of blunt because I feel like people have no problem being very blunt with me.

If you didn't wonder. You can stop reading now.

I guess I don't really feel like a heart is an organ I have anymore maybe a brain but not a heart because it seems as though my dignity has been stripped from me and the smallest things are setting me off. I have not been getting good sleep and I am really stressed. I have handed people I trust thoughts and they have butchered them up. I guess I can't be hopeful with things I wanted to be. Some of my friends are thinking about relationships I don't even want to do that right now, after being broken up with and having the person that broke up with me then continue to date someone else and then still feel they needed to consult me for advice about their relationship... I mean it would be nice to be hopeful about dating but I honestly don't see a whole heck of a lot of teenage guys looking for a sick girlfriend who might not be able to walk some of the time.

Not only has it effected that it has effected almost all of my senior year. Hey girls, do you want to go to senior prom? No problem! You can go through photos on facebook and through friends memories and if they're grumpy after prom and extremely tired that's fine! You get to see that as they visit you. That's when you fit in their schedule. How about a senior trip? If you had that in mind no problem because it isn't going to happen because you are sick and it's dangerous and you really shouldn't go without your parents. So with distance considered, no way. How about yearbook, the thing you busted your butt on last year? Do you think you might get in because you helped and you accidentally missed a deadline by A LOT. No that is your fault and that's fine because we're all equal coming out of the high school but when you hear that someone else also bought an ad the same day- No worries! You let that run off like sweat off your back.

So after all of the "normal" things that are going on you try to do some good things... Right? Well cool. Good for you! Get ready to have people breathe down your neck and any little thing that may be seen as amiss you get blamed for. You get e-mails from people and believe me EVERYTHING gets back to you. Even if the e-mail was from my friend's cousin's friend's aunt, that noticed something- you see it, fix it and still hear grief. It's not okay that you're human. You're 18 and you have everything to hold for it. People are breathing down your neck and they feel that treating you like shit is okay. Backing out on things or making it seem extremely difficult is ALRIGHT. You have to pick up these extremely ridiculous puzzles and make them all look good smile, laugh a little and make everyone seem as though it's dandy! Why? Because that's what the world makes it seem like.

My cousin wrote me and said tell the person who felt depressed about your sickness we would gladly trade places so I could be depressed about YOUR sickness. Well isn't that the truth! I guess the world has made it seem that it's not okay to be feeling upset and no one should ever put another kid out or for this matter anyone. I am sorry if you have been a victim of this horrible thing that is really called venting. I am sorry if you have seen me when I have been rude and upset and ready to rip my hair out. I am sorry that you don't see the other 350 days that I am in a semi-decent mood. I am sorry that you don't get to deal with me then. I am sorry that I have been a jerk. I am sorry things are unfair to everyone else. I think it's completely fair that I am sick. NOT I don't know when people thought life should be fair. But it's not. Okay? I get it. Don't keep shoving crap in my face.

K. I am done. I will not be posting any more venting posts this hospital stay. But if you wondered. There it is. If you didn't wonder. Sorry.


Anonymous said...

Let it out Victoria! You'll get your "zen" back! Maybe ill pop in to visit with you Friday before I start my shift. Ttyl. Jenn

Grace said...

Venting is good... I think when you feel the need and urge... do it.

I haven't 'known' you for long and I wish to say that I would love to see you either time... the 350 days where you aren't (your words) rude and upset... and the 15 days where you are. I believe you to be an amazing person.

Have a blessed day.

Mammatalk said...

So sorry to hear. At least you are becoming a much stronger person thru all this and will appreciate life so much more than others your age. Chin up. I do so enjoy your writing. :+)

Julie said...

Vent, scream, do whatever the hell you like. ANyone who doesn't like it-who cares. Everyone has bad days, but you definitely have more than your share. I'm glad you're honest, it's better than the alternative.

Anonymous said...

Very sorry for what happened. I hope you get well soon and remember that there are lots of people who cares about you and don't give up on anything!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Victoria! You have been through a lot. So many things you were looking forward to, have become disappointments. Life ISN'T fair, and sometimes it isn't very fun either. I'm sorry people have been rude to you. I am praying that you will be healthier and can at least go home soon!