The last few weeks have been hard for me as I continue to search for who I am. Not who this disease has made me but who I am in Christ and where he wants my identity to be.
As I have graduated from treatment and have found myself a little freer in a lot of senses. My doctor released me to run on our Cross Country team, I have been running almost daily and the only restriction is that I have a lack of time! Not that I am too tired but there is just not enough daylight for all of the things I need to get done. I have really found myself wondering and thinking about the labels this disease has given me. People who know me from a distance saw me in a wheelchair, saw me struggle, saw me as the girl who just randomly started walking again. They don't know me.
Recently room draw came around and we all were allowed to pick places to live and I did not have a roommate due to the fact that everyone had kind of meshed and found people and I was kind of left out of the loop. Things rolled around and I got the potential opportunity to room with a group of Godly women who were from the Cross Country team. However, they're living in a house that's not handicapped accessible. My past came back to haunt me, and I was removed from the group and placed back in my handicap accessible room that I am currently in. This has crushed me, as I continue to seek out a life that's without label, and trust in my heavenly fathers healing in my life. I deal with the earthly trouble and trial of the label still standing.
It's not easy to go every day wondering what the next day will bring. But even more than that, it feels really lonely when you are in a place of which you are separated due to the physical limitations. There is no true understanding and there are boundaries that separate each of us. This circumstance made me realize, even when my physical battle is getting better there is still much healing, and much understanding yet to be found.
This song was recently sent to me: Whatever You're Doing and it's true, all I can do is surrender to God.. However, it feels like chaos and I don't really know how to surrender totally lately. Yet I know I have found peace.