Saturday, December 4, 2010

Psalm 73:26

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

(Chris Tomlin: I Will Rise)

I have had a lot of little things that have been going on in my life lately that have built up and added pressure and stress. Things that I don't really understand but are there. In the process of comprehending life, and the meaning of why, I have found myself wondering what God is doing and if HE could possibly be there... I look around and I see the apathy of my brother's and sister's in Christ, and I have been discouraged when I have noticed they don't seem to be smiling. I don't understand their quick tongues, and their harsh hearts. Then when I looked deep within my own heart I found myself bitter, and hurt, full of pain and anguish as I had started to take in my surroundings and let the pain of their words consume me to unknowing and undeserving people. Victims of my own heart's demise.

I had been hurt and I didn't think it was possible that God would use my wounds and pain to help anyone. I felt like I was withering away in time and agony; and in response: I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I was more of a hindrance to those around me than anything that could possibly help them. So I began separating myself from my peers thinking it was for their best interest.

Anyways, today my perspective took a 180. I found myself opening up to an old friend and upon doing that I realized I was harming myself for the preservation of others. I started examining my soul; and opening my ears. I also found out that someone very close to me's sister was passing away (she is elderly so it makes it a little easier to bear). However, that thought came to me and struck a cord within me as I began wrestling with having an eternal perspective: and thinking about death, and what that means in the scheme of eternity.

A few other series of events happened and then I got a phone call that made me examine things in my heart further. I began thinking about all the pain, hurt, and evil in the world. I began thinking of how hurt my heart feels when I hear of injustice, or pain. I thought, why Lord, why is there pain?

Then I got a text that came to me as a surprise kind of... The woman I babysit for's father had passed away and I was asked to babysit. Without missing a beat, I knew this was what I was supposed to do tonight. So I committed and drove over to their house. When I got there it was uncanny how easily the baby went to sleep and then as I was tucking in the older daughter she began asking for her grandpa... It surprised me a little: as I thought about how every other time I had tucked this little girl in.. She had never once requested her grandfather's presence. At first I began to say you just have to go to bed and it's okay, mommy and daddy will be home soon. However, I realized that she, in her little five year old world was feeling pain too. So I quickly consulted a friend on what to do. He offered simple advice; creating something that would captivate her mind and distract her from her pain.

We created a perfect world: one of candy for dinner, and unlimited time with mommy and grandpa. We created this picture of something beautiful and special unique to her. In those moments at her bedside; I got to experience the awesomeness of childlike faith: her open surrender to something larger than herself. In her perfect world she only saw the things at face value. She did not see the criminals or crime or the pain so there was no need to wish it away. For the only thing she could grasp were the things that brought her joy. I grasped for a moment: Matthew 19:14 where Jesus said: "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." It was amazing to me, a bible lesson at the bedside. In a split second I felt as though I saw the heart of God: this love that surpasses understanding. For a child would hug a stranger and a criminal all  the same as they hug their own parent. They express this unconditional love. It's no wonder that Jesus saw such great things in such small children. Faith is that simple act.

It gives me a reason to smile, it reminds me why I am here: because though my flesh may fail, words may fade, paper can be burnt, computers can crash... Our world is only conditional. We only have this moment we live: However, we have such a great reason to say: it is well with my soul (this link is worth going to because it has the awesome story behind the hymn it is well with my soul). And for this I have a reason to smile. I have seen God move in many ways in such a short time.

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