"Oh I should be doing homework... but..."

That's my latest catchphrase...

I should be doing homework... but....

Anyways! This week has proven to be quite stressful as the mid-semester stress comes piling in. I am excited to say that I might be taking on another job: taking care of the sticky fingered milestone striking, toddler type! After spending almost a whole semester as a student caller here at school, for admissions and finding how boring it is to say the same script time after time... I thought I might be up for a challenge:

Thus jumping on the latest posting of a babysitting opportunity.

More recently, my friend and I went out to cupcakes this past weekend, a blog post to come after I upload the photos to the computer...

While out we discussed the topic of having children... She has been married for a few years and we discussed how many people seem to pressure newly weds with the dreaded question of when are you going to bring the sticky faced children into the world. It's funny because even more-so now I guess: I think about a girl I was working with in the nursery at church and she had only been married six weeks when one of the women from the congregation popped the question: "So when do you think you'll be having one of your own?"

I am very thankful that in my life of singleness; people ask me about plans and my future but never buckle me down to get married or relationships... Well, unless you're my family! But that's a whole different story.

It makes me wonder, why is it assumed that after you get married, or even just have a boyfriend (after a certain age!) no matter what age you are: you lose the identity of being a student, worker, having goals, and desires, etc. and you're forced into this idealistic culture of popping out kids and adding to the human race.

It happened.

Waking up this morning, I called the health center to make an appointment... They made the appointment however, right during one of my classes so I skipped class, and headed right over...

Upon arrival back to my room: I decided to crawl into bed and "rest" for a few moments.

An hour later... I was still resting.

That's when I decided that I was going to make an active effort to get ready for the day because I had a meeting to head off to later on in the afternoon.

I took a nice relaxing shower and ventured into my room to assemble my outfit for the day, hours after the typical person may have found this journey to their wardrobe. It was nearly 11:00 in the morning. (This may seem peculiar to the outsider, but I am convinced it's considered acceptable on the college campus.)

ANYWAYS that's when it happened.

I got a knock at my door. And the dialogue went something like this:

wardrobe: Victoria: in a white bathrobe with a towel placed neatly on her head appearing to still be wet from previously mentioned shower.
Jillian: in a typical fall jacket with scarf loosely placed around the neck and college student ambassador name tag placed upon the collar.

Jillian: "Hello! It's Jillian!"

Me: "Oh hey Jillian come on in!"

Jillian: Oh! I have a tour here to show your room!

Me: *fumbling with clothes and ripping off towel that was placed on my head* "Oh no! Uh, I just got out of the shower... Uh... Oh man.

Jillian: Do you need a few minutes?

Me: Oh yes please. *please go away and go to another room and let me crawl back into the warmth of my sheets*

Jillian continues on a conversation outside my room, about bathrooms and dorm life buying me some time.
Me: *opening the door now dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants but still apparently wet from shower as previously mentioned lacking glasses or corrective eye wear* Hello! Welcome! Here is my room! I am so sorry! Today is just an off day...
*scurries to the hallway that the students have been in hoping to avoid another awkward encounter with the students!*

Jillian: Sorry! Usually her room is much cleaner than this!

And as they exited I had one last extremely AWKWARD encounter with the tour students!

Folks, here at Roberts, we offer lots of services however, this is not one that is usually frowned upon!
What a day!

I trained... for this.

The last few weeks have been struggle after struggle it seems and so very...

confusing.

It seemed like as the events have played out, I have handed in my uniform and the thing that I was involved  with here on campus. I have found myself thinking a lot about this past season and the past few months... All of the training, dedication, and hard work that has gone into the team this season.

As I have thought about that two things come to mind:

Dropping time and divorce.

The first seems quite obvious in a sport like Cross Country... You strive for the peak of your season and the coaches have had us training our bodies so that the peak of our season would be in these upcoming meets. Unfortunately, I will not get to run in those meets and it has felt a little defeating as I have had to back away from something I truly love. I feel like I will never know what could have been and in a lot of ways I feel like I am mourning the loss of the end of the season. As my team mates tear up the course "in a Godly fashion". I am forced with finding a life outside of running.

I feel like this now brings me to my second point:

Divorce: as I have had to face the team as a whole and tell them all of the decision to quit training... I feel like it's the classic break-up. No really, it's not you... It's me. It's actually, well, my body. I know, I have noticed you guys got a little uncomfortable with the whole seizure thing... I just think we should take some time to heal. And ending each talk I say, I will be around campus, you'll see me... Lets remain friends!

However, when it comes down to it: I am missing the end of the season. I can pray for my teammates but I still miss them. I put in the training all spring, summer, and most of this season and it just seems weird. Sitting out the part of the season everyone talked about. The part that is supposed to be the most rewarding.

So for those who desired an update, here it is. This is going to be tough, shedding the practices for free time and trying to make use of it in a productive manner.

It's Me.

I don't really know what to write.

However, I have delayed the updates to the Internet long enough and now I feel it's only right to write.

I have been disappointed in how things have ended up. I am tired, and weak still... However, I did make the journey back to college this weekend. I got to enjoy the company of some good friends and got to see our Cross Country Race this weekend. I haven't started training again, and I honestly don't know if I will be training or racing again this season...

I am also back on seizure medicine.... Which is almost a feeling of defeat as I feel like: why? Why me? Why today?

But: when it comes down to it:

I am here. I am alive. It's me updating again.

I will update again, soon.

A post from a friend...

Hi! Just a heads up: this is NOT Victoria. This is her friend, Michelle (aka Shorty).  Unfortunately, Victoria is in the hospital, so I'm being the blogger for the day.  This past Saturday, Victoria was in PA for another cross country race when she collapsed during the race, had a seizure, and was taken to the hospital. From what I've heard, she had several more seizures on the bus ride home and was taken to a hospital in Fredonia. What I really don't like is the fact that I wasn't there for her. Any other time, I would've been there...  I've NEVER missed a cross country meet... but instead, I was home sick with pneumonia. Gah.

Victoria was transferred from the hospital in Freudonia to a hospital in Buffalo, which is where she is now. She is VERY discouraged and can use any bit of encouragement you can give her!  We've been texting back and forth all day, and she says that there is a possible diagnosis of JME, which is a seizure disorder.  PLEASE be praying that the doctors will be able to correctly diagnose her and that she will be able to return home ASAP.  She's also asking for prayers for strength (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc...), accommodations to her limited diet (I'm a fellow food allergy friend, so I understand). She's also very nervous about the expenses, so be praying for that too.

For those of you who have absolutely no idea who I am; Victoria and I pretty much became friends through our illnesses.  We've both been sick for a VERY long time, and there are a lot of times when we feel like we're the only one's who have any sort of understanding of what the other person is going through.  We're going through different battles, but she is always there to encourage me when I'm sick/frustrated/depressed, send me nice notes, and even bring me to the ER when my body decides to be explosive.

So... yeah. Victoria, you're awesome. We're praying for you!

Separating

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:37-39

I am finding myself in a peculiar place... Somewhere I had been accustomed to being but slowly had gotten apart from. I am finding myself back in the limbo back where shades of black and white are now just another shade of grey. I am getting poked and prodded as we try to discover what is going on with my body. I have suffered fatigue, weight gain, and some tests that are abnormal with my Kidney's.

I am walking in the head knowledge that the Lord has my back- but tonight nothing can explain my heart other than the words heavy. I don't understand the purpose behind trials enough... I see the growth in the end but I cannot explain the tragedy and pain of feeling so helpless. I find my body needing rest and my thoughts wondering what could I have done different?

So this morning: I found myself fearful as I found myself approaching an all too familiar scene: going for blood work the final test before the hopeful diagnosis.

I find hope and I proclaim with not only my lips; but with my heart nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God.

Despite wondering why I know the how is through His mercy and grace and strength.

Closing with a song

Beautiful.

perfection in a bouquet of flowers

I just wanted to share these flowers that my mom got for me. There is something so awesome and so unique about the atmosphere flowers bring. I like to think that God took a special paintbrush and hand painted each petal. :]

How far are we willing to go for a friend?

Recently we were in chapel and our student leadership group for a student led worship service did a topic of "throw down" and surrendering your life...

As I wrestled over the topic through chapel, I found myself thinking about why we go to the extreme nature of saying: I would take a bullet for you. This idea makes me think of how it's almost like I would take a bullet for you because there is no societal norm that would lead me to think this would ever be something I would encounter in daily living. Each day we wake up, we don't wonder: will I die today taking a bullet for a friend?

I think it's easy to say and almost convicting to say I would take a bullet, but I don't have time to hang out... If we aren't making the daily sacrifices of spending time and sharing life with people; what is the significance of taking a bullet for their life?

I guess that it makes me wonder how many verbal bullets we are willing to stand up for- the social and linguistic bullets of daily life. Just a thought.

Decisions:

Every day we make decisions that mold us, and make us who we are.

Last year during finals week, I made the decision to take the plunge: change my major. Despite the encouragement of many to tough out nursing there was a small still voice within me that said it wasn't it. My passion was deeply rooted in listening, and spending time with others. I wanted to serve, and I just didn't feel like nursing was going to be the thing that fulfilled that longing. After a semester of discomfort and prayer... I took the plunge, I switched my major.

The honeymoon phase is over and I am totally immersed within my major. I spent this past week during what could be considered as our first trial if this was a relationship. I had three tests this week in my Social Work Classes and I was totally committed to studying my butt off for them. As I put in the time and effort of studying until early morning hours and rising early again, to see the sun rise alongside me...

I found that one thing remained true: we're both still committed. So each day I still enjoy waking up and going to class and listening to lecture after lecture about things that soon I will be able to set into motion. I have found, this is my passion. I am excited to see where God takes this, however, more than that: I am thankful for the peace this has brought me.