Saturday, April 5, 2008

Saturday is good for recycling.

This is an excerpt from a friend Ashley's blog. Ashley's link to her blog can be found under inspirational stories to the right of this.... She also has Lyme and is very courageous and an amazing person and today I am doing things in a little reverse. Spot-light first then post. Enjoy!

Ashley and I kind of met through a Lyme support group online. Through that time she has shared her story and her courage and shown me things I didn't ever notice. Her grace about life and her faith that is subtle but very powerful is amazing to me. I find it so hard to read stories of people's struggles because I know that they suffer from the same disease I do- so I limit reading stories that I don't know the end result and know they got better. Just the other day I read her story and it touched me deeply because although I have been hit hard with this disease my mis-diagnosis was far different than others with mis-diagnosis. So I read her story with tears filling my eyes knowing where she is today and only imagining how she felt then.

I share this excerpt from her blog because it's powerful. It says a lot and it conveys a message about something I think many of us "lymies" face. A daily thing for some perhaps a less frequenting message for others. But never the less what we face on a daily basis can be a struggle and it's not always easy. We don't understand what is going on and for many of us we are placing our faith into hands of doctors who although they are experts really are only human too- they only know so much and truth be told: they don't really understand it either. This was written before Ashley was diagnosed with Lyme but some of the things she touches really portray some real feelings that I have personally felt and I think today is the perfect day for this to be posted.

Without further a due-

I don't feel real anymore.

I feel like a zombie.

I feel like my life was drained out of me, but then my body was left to see how well I could continue so-called living.

I feel like I'm 123 years old; not 23.

I feel, nearly every day, like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.

These are only SOME of the ways I can describe the way I constantly feel...

I've always believed in God. Sure, I've had my doubts, but nothing has made me doubt more than this happening to me. I've never prayed so hard in my life to feel something more, something BETTER than what I feel nearly every day due to whatever it is this is that has taken over my entire being.

I've prayed so much and, yet, I really haven't gotten an answer.

Sure, this doctor I'm going to now seriously seems to think it's the vitamin deficiency, but I really have a hard time seeing how that would make me feel so deathly ill. And the scary thing is that NO ONE knows what is wrong with me... not even doctors who should be competent in what they are doing.

They are paid entirely too much to sit there and tell me stupid things, like "it's your spirit" or that it's a vitamin deficiency. And yet, doctors get away with telling patients this crap all of the time.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that a person can have problems with their "spirit", but it wouldn't cause them as many problems as I'm having.

It just doesn't make sense.

I have no idea what I'm going to do if I get tested for Lyme and that's not it. I'm basically standing at the edge of a cliff, wearing a blindfold, waiting to see if I'll be allowed to step away or if I'll be pushed over.I don't feel like I'm controlling my life anymore.

And it's MY life.

And what's scarier is I have no idea who or what is controlling it.

It almost feels as if a monkey was given the remote to me AND my life, and is just sitting there pushing whatever buttons it wants and sometimes pushing all of them at the same time.

I thought that after half a year of this, I'd be all cried out, but I'm not. And it amazes me that I'm not. I've never felt this ill, nor have I ever cried so much in my life.I just wish I could go back a half a year, so I'm feeling "normal" again.

Plus, I have no idea if I'll ever get better and I'm starting to really doubt I will.

If doctors don't know what's wrong with me, and they've had half a year to find out and haven't, then why should I continue to be hopeful?

This week has been one of my worst weeks since becoming so mysteriously ill. And I've been on the vitamins the doctor wanted me on. Are they supposed to make you feel like shit before they actually help? I know some medicine is known to do that, but these are vitamins; not medicine.

God, how much longer must I suffer because I'm really afraid I can't take much more.I don't see how I deserve this, but more importantly, I don't see how Matthew deserves this. He's such a good man and husband. And I can't even be a decent wife anymore.

I don't have the energy to do anything.

Even if I have the energy to put the clothes in the wash, I don't have the energy to put them in the dryer or fold them after they are done drying, which is ridiculous because that really doesn't take much energy, but obviously, it takes more energy than I have. I haven't cooked since before I got sick.

I'm really having a hard time understanding what God's plan in this is?

It's always said that God doesn't give a person more than they can handle.

But it's getting to the point where I can't handle this anymore. In ways, I believe it's already past what I can handle.

It wouldn't be so bad if I knew what it was that was making me so sick, but I don't, and that's what's making it even more unbearable. And I really have no idea how much longer I can bear it.

All I know is the wick is becoming increasingly short.

A little peak into another mind- a different perspective

Tomorrow is church! Off to bed. Hope this has brought you some thought as it did me- Although this has been edited the complete entry is on Ashley's blog.


1 comment:

BJK said...

HI Victoria...and Ashley if she is reading,

I can so relate to Ashly's thoughts and feelings. There was a time, not to long ago when I felt the same.

I dont have a blog, but here's my website (and Im on Lymenet as BJK):

This has highlights of my Lyme disease story, but much is left out...deep emotions, fears, stuggling in my faith, and just wanting to die many times.

This is a terrible illness that takes a toll on our entire exsistence....But God IS faithful through the good and the bad times.

One scripture reads: Shall I accept good from God and not adversity?

So often when we are at our weakest point, we learn God's strength when we have faith.

The Lyme ride has been an up then down then up get the idea.

But looking back over the past year of treatment I have gone from barely able to walk or stand, mostly bedridden, not talking well, confused, in pain 24/7 and getting worse by the day with a huge list of other symptoms.

Now, a little over a year into treatment, I can walk without help without even a cane or wall ( I loved friend)to help me, Im in MUCH less pain, many of the "bizare" symptoms I had are completely gone, my mind is healing, I can speak read and write now...not always perfectly but improving all the time.

My wife is getting her husband back and my 5 children their father. I have a stonger faith in God and His son Jesus than before I became ill and a better understanding of his will for my life.

With God there is always hope.....always!

God Bless, good to see you writing again Victoria,